Swipe Left



Dear men on dating apps:



This is who I am and what I’m looking for. If you don’t like it, swipe left.



I am looking for a boyfriend. If that’s too much pressure for you, swipe left.



I am smart, articulate, and opinionated. If you don’t like to listen, swipe left. If you only talk about yourself, swipe left. If you interrupt other people incessantly, swipe left. If you can’t comprehend multisyllabic words, swipe left.



I am high-energy and passionate. If you can’t keep up with me, swipe left.



I love to cook. I hate to clean. If that’s incompatible with your inclinations, swipe left.



I love museums. If you’d always rather be at a sports game, swipe left.



I hate sushi. If you think you can make me like it, swipe left.



I prefer forests, mountains, and cities to beaches. If you’re a sun worshipper, swipe left.



I love kids. If you have kids, please consider swiping right. If you want to have (more) kids, swipe left. That ship has sailed.



I have 47 pairs of shoes. If you think that’s too many, swipe left.



I don't date racists, idiots, or misogynists. If you voted for Trump, swipe left.



I am curvy and ALL about that bass. If you only want a skinny bitch, swipe left. (And twice a day—three times on weekends—you won’t know what you’re missing.)




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