Should women preserver in their marital home despite facing abuses and hard times?

From my observation and what I have witnessed in my society, women marry for varied reasons. Some marry as a result of true love; others because they feel they are not getting any younger so they want to get hooked up as such cling to any eligible man, some because of the man’s prestigious and affluent position nothing more, others because they are betrothed to a man by their parents. Some women like in Cameroon are excited about men living abroad referred to as ‘Bush Faller’, for them it is an easy way out of poverty, hardship and to seek greener pastures, others say they just wish to have their names imprinted in marriage records.

However, in most African settings especially when kids are involved, women are always advised and encouraged to persevere or hang on and not quit their marital homes no matter the consequences, harsh treatment and condition. Some men even will bluntly say to their wives – Why bother about me and my actions, have I not provided everything in the house. So what do you think, - Should women preserver in their marital home despite facing abuses and hard times?

Personally, I uphold that it is wise to try and seek ways to put things right in the relationship. But if things really continue to go sour and I can’t get to dialog with my spouse neither is he willing or ready to amend his wrongs then I rather quit.

I uphold that staying on especially if I am emotionally attached, I will just be unhappy and feel stressful, I guess I might as well develop pressure leading to hypertension and may obviously lead me to my early grave. When this happens eventually, what happens to my children? It should be made clear to some men that before I got married I had shelter, food and clothing, what I did not have was a husband as such, I can’t be comfortable and enjoy whatever when we are not in one accord.

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I'm sorry, but trying to repair the relationship is unhelpful when there was no real relationship to begin with. If the man was abusive the entire time then this action will not work. Getting out is the best option for both the mother and the children.

Thank you Enie for sharing. From experience of working with women in rural Africa, I understand the ethical dilemma that women face when physically, verbaly of sexually abused by their spouses. First and foremore, Most communities have tagged a 'complete' women to be one who has a man to call or identify as a husband. Many women in The vilages struggle with the fear of being secluded by their peers for being unattached to a particular man. If in situations of cohabiting women will refer to their partner as 'My Husband' you can be sure that if battered by the same man she will dare not tell anyone leave alone desire to leave that marriage or relationship.

then comes the issue of economic power. Most women in the village are illiterate cannot compete favourably for any formal jobs against the men. this cripples most women to be economically dependent on their spouses. Imagine a woman with eight children where does she go to if she lives her marital home. To the streets? it is unbearable, many cannot survive the hardships of fighting for the fewer casual jobs because they dont even have bargaining power neither can they confidently negotiate or navigate the web of unemployment. they have no communication skills, no career skills the better option remain the way with 'lesser' demand i.e stay in abusive relationship for as long as 'My husband can provide for my children'.

I tend to think sometime that some women I meet have not only lost their identity but have died within. They live not for themselves but for other husband and children. They live for those who gossip and will want to maintain a name Mamma John ( John is the Husband) even when John humiliates her and beats her.

So for the educated woman in the city, It is well, she can choose to move out and start her own life. But the one in the rural village has no choice or limited choices. She may choose to return to her parents but they wont receive her afterrall the dowry is already spent. "You are not ours any more you belong to that family" they say to their dear daughter.

What about denial of conjugal rights when husbands leave for jobs in the cities leaving the wife in the village with the children for as long as a year. Isnt this abuse? I believe it is another dimension of abuse that women suffer. a discussio for a later date.

Hello Efe i understand your point perfectly. But then they say 'another mans meat is another mans poison' This simply stipulates what would interest one person may not be of interest to the other.

Cheers

Thanks for sharing this painful story. I agree with mama Africa about women standing their ground on being self empowered to fend for themselves,I will always preach that. We need to enlighthened ourselves on our fundamental human rights as well as the rights of women in every part of the globe.I say a BIG NO to the woman enduring towards untimely death, lets be real and stand for truth in every circumstance. A LONG LIFE AS A SINLGE STRUGLING MUM/WOMAN IS BETTER THAN A LIFE FULL OF TRAUMATIC HUSBANDS.

Marriage is not a single person thing .It takes two to tangle, it takes two to make marriage work.I will never support the fact that a woman should allow herself to be killed to make her marriage work.At the end after killing her, the man will marry another woman.A woman should know the right time to make her exit if she is married to a demon.

Busayo Obisakin Women inspiration Development center Ile-Ife, Nigeria busobisaki@yahoo.com womeninspirationcenter@gmail.com

Thanks Busayo, What you wrote is nothing but the truth. Why struggly and go through pain to the extend of losing your life. As our men hold, there are many women out there since it is a general conception that there are more women than men as such they claim they are doing women a favour by having multiple relationships. Most often they see no need to be civil in these relationship, according to them women are the ones who have dire need for a man.

Kind Regards

I think that apart from abuse and infidelity, BOTH parties should try and work out the issues between them. The woman alone cant make a marriage. The man has to cooperate too. I think the traditional advice that women should consider their children makes some sense. Many children face horrible conditions in situations of separation and divorce,especially herre where the children often stay with the father. however I think that by staying and not making a effort to get her children out of reach of an abusive man, a mother exposes them to even greater danger.

Yeah just as the saying goes - 'it takes two to tango'. Once there is dialogue in a relationship then there is bound to be little or no problem. But if as usual the man gives a deaf ear and go about with his delinquent ways, what next?

Children have this tendency to be traumatise when they see their parents at each others throat. Nonetheless, women should make an effort to see how to make the relationship work out before considering drastic measures like quiting.