One night, the first of many, he stops his car in the middle of nowhere. He comes to my side of the car. He opens the door, I ask him why, he does not respond. We are after all on our way home, a place I live with my mother. Instead he pushes my seat down, with me in it. He starts fumbling with my tracksuit. Right there he was on me. I tried to push him way, duck from the oncoming traffic, it is pointless. It only enables him more. I cry my silent tears, I curse the day I met him, the time I decided to trust him. This does not stop him, he continues, keeps going-groaning. He starts moving faster as if to some unheard rhythm, and faster until he stops. And then Silence. Silence through the houses, the lights – no sights, till the last turn to the right. He kisses me goodnight. I walk away- he drives off. I cry all night, wake with swollen eyes. It is but my sorrow, for no one can find out.
I relinquished my personal rights, in the presence of man. One I call lover, one who is my friend. Yet I imagined for a long time for that stranger to force me. He never came. I smile at him, underneath crawling with hate. Resentment fills my heart, bitterness now a part of me. Yet I let him take me home anyway. The pain and hurt in my life, no one knows I suffer inside. I give so much of my power to him who I love, just so he can love me. He possessed me in a way that terrified me. What right do I have to be loved? What am I worth? I relinquished my rights for what I thought was love Nowhere to turn to, a story never told, yet now it can be heard, by a million women, by the head. From a confident young woman, to a lost soul. I suffered emotional abuse at the hands of a man I loved , betrayal confusion and frustration were the order of the day. I tried to commit suicide several times, for I could speak to no one, my friends never believed he abused me, he was well respected in society. My family could not know about him. I finally found solace in writing, strength in a colleague She encouraged me to join Voices of our future for support. I have arrived, now I am here. I can finally work towards getting my writings published. The story of a lost soul, a lost dream, finally found. I can live life again, I can love again, I have a hope for a future, for I have picked myself up in the face and knowledge of the lives of other women who have suffered more than I have. I reclaim my personal rights.
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