Wondering and wandering; there are times that you not only wonder but also wander. And I have come to believe that through these moments we come to know the faces of ourselves that we have never known, and yes there are many faces. Some are chosen and some are forced. The more I wondered the more I realized that I carry many faces and the more I wandered the more I got to comprehend them and make a choice between the ones I want to keep and the ones I want to let go of or break free from.

Seeing the reflection in the mirror that I no longer recognized, was the moment that the fear of resurrecting in the same-yet-modern circumstances took over my existence, the existence that was put on the edge few times before without being successful; depending on what you consider success?

The attempt was meant to escape his power, to be free of his control over my body, to eliminate the pain of being breached. Yet, alas (!), that ‘21grams’ was not meant to leave the body at that time. However, this round I had chosen the circumstances myself, I chose to live with this-other-him since I believed he is the-one. Though I became an invisible walking dead that seeming lost all her identity in the process of becoming someone who he loves more. And this hurt more than what the other one did; this one took over my mind through the love I had for him whereas the other one took over my body through the power he had over me.

It’s not easy to “tell the truth” all the time, it takes years to overcome the fear; but it should be done and it should be heard and more importantly it should be shared for the ones who are still wandering and wondering. Let this be the first time to admit, out-loud, that it did happen but I survived with brose on the body and on the soul; yet I am here and I am sharing. I am sharing cos I feel safe, cos I feel protected by the ones who listen and the ones who not only wonder but also wander. And I made choices between those faces of mine that I came to know and I picked Me, Myself and Somaye to be the ones that re-present me, to me, to you and to the world.

Take action! This post was submitted in response to Voices of Our Future Application: Your Journey and Vision.


Reading your post was really moving, Somaye and I still wonder, to use your words. You decided to leave some things opaque, which I like, it leaves room for interpretation and thoughts - in the best way. It is an inspiration so to speak. I'd love to read more from you! Thank you for such a great post! Cheers, Katharina


I think this writing this took a lot of courage. Thank you for sharing. The line "this one took over my mind through the love I had for him whereas the other one took over my body through the power he had over me" is an incredibly vulnerable place to be, that finding yourself once again in an abusive relationship, can be both heartbreaking and a catalyst to make changes. Sharing your story that you choose you/yourself to be your face in the world is an inspiration for other women who are still in abusive situations.

Thank you for opening up!

Warmly, Abby

Dear Somaye Thank you for sharing your story, it is stylistically written to say so much and help to give courage to those who think they are weak. I hope many women find courage and strength like you.