Hi. I'm back now. I am 27 years old. Oh, I forgot. You can call me M. I was so sad when my mother died at the hands of my father. I was sad and scared. I was alone. But I was lucky. My Auntie took me in. It was hard living with her sometimes. She would say things like..."
"You know I told her so. I told your mother that man would kill her someday. She wouldn't listen to me. Why wouldnt she listen to me? Love, she called it. Ha! LOVE DOESN''T HURT! She was a mess most of the time. Well, " she said often, "I am never going to let that happen to you."
When I was 16 years old, I met the love of my life. He was so handsome and charming. He was 25 years old. He would often call me late at night (against house rules). I was nervous that I might get caught but I was very flattered that he like me enough to call late at night. (1 ABUSERS PUSH AND BREAK BOUNDARIES (like house rules) TO ASSERT THEIR OWN POWER.)
He paid lots of attention to me. I really liked that 'cause I was alone and lonely so much of the time. He made me so very happy. He was always touching me and wanting to kiss me. At first I was uncomfortable but he said, "Baby, it's just because I love to be with you. You're so beautiful. I feel so proud to have you by my side. You are MY girl." (2 NO ONE CAN "MAKE:" ME HAPPY. I AM TOTALLY 100% RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. THE ABUSER LIKES TO ESTABLISH POSSESSION AS WITH "MY GIRL."
He brought me presents, too, lots of them. I knew then he really loved me. My Auntie hated him right from the start but she just didn't understand,. I would do anything for hinm. I loved hin and he loved me.
When we would go out it was always with his friendws. He would say things like, "You're getting too fat." or "What's the matter with you. You stupid or something?" I was so embarassed and humiliated. I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die.(3. DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ESCALATES. ONCE SHE IS "IN LOVE' THEN THE DESTRUCTION OF ANY SELF-WORTH SHE MAY HAVE HAD IS DESTROYED IN FORCE.)
Sometimes he would get so jealous. I was flattered at first. I thought that meant he loved me. But later he went into rages. He threw things and yellled and screamed. I did all I could to tell him that I loved only him but it didn't seem to matter. He had it the way he wanted it in his head and that was that. I couldn't ever defend myself. Finally, I just stayed quiet until it was all over. (4 JEALOUSY IS NOT FLATTERY! JEALOUSY IS DOMINATION AND CONTROL.)
He bought me a cell phone and would call me every half hour or so. He demanded to know where I was and who I was with. He would even come to where I said I was to make sure I was really there. I felt totally embarassed and ashamed in front of my friends.
And then, there was the sex thing. This is really embarassing but I have to tell you. He kept pushing me to have sex with him. I didn't want to but he'd say things like, "If you really love me, you would give yourself to me," and then he'd get mad. So, finally...I did it. I didn't like it. I just said I liked it to keep peace. I felt awaful about myself. I felt guilty, too. What if I got pregnant? What would Auntie say? (5 SEX IS ONE OF THE ABUSERS MAIN CONTROL TOOLS FOR POWER OVER HER.)
I got to the point where I didn't see any of my former friends. I had no friends by then. I stopped talking to Auntie, too. When she would ask about anything I would just make up some excuse and go stay in my room. I stopped eating much and I just couldn't sleep. I wore sweats to cover up how thin I got but then he would be mad 'cause I was too thin. "Nothing to hang on to," he'd say. and get mad. He did that most of the time now. Get mad, that is. (6 SELF-ABUSE IS VERY COMMON IN DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. "WHEN HE ISN'T ABUSING ME, I AM ABUSING MYSELF. FEELS BETTER THAT EVERYTHING ELSE.")
Sorry, I have to go. He's calling me. I need to go right away. I'll see if I can talk with you later.