my mother 20 years later....
  • my mother 20 years later....

I have been thinking lately about my mother, my biological mother that is. And I am at a crossroads. I met her when i was 13 years old and never thought about her again until 3 years ago, when I went on a healing journey and found out that I had made so many agreements with myself based on the fact that I was abondened when I was born. Three years ago I found myself in a relationship that bought out all my fears of abandonment and i wondered huuumm, if this is becuase my mother left me then I need to go find her and ask her why. So, I went to the dominican republic and three days later I found her. At sighed at the fact that she was still alive becuase my dad had recently passed but I couldnt ask her any questions. I became silent. I knew from talking to my parents that I had been a product of prostitution and i knew I had sibilings, more than I could count but I thought they had all been abandoned just like me and that when and if we ever found eachother we would at least have that story in common. Well, to my surprise three of my siblings where raised with my mom and I was the only outcasts. I remember being 13 and my dad telling me I was adopted , he took me to see my sister who had at that time about 8 kids she was 25. I was really excited at that age to have siblings, that was more important to me than meeting my mom. Oh and was especially excited to be an aunt. Of the many surprises that year, I also was told that this beautiful little girl who I played with me every summer, who took my clothes and toys every time I left , my best friend, was my sister. She was so excited when she found out that she came to see me but I couldnt face her. I decided at that moment that I didnt want to hear what she needed to say and in retrospect I probably decided that say that when and if there was something I didnt want to hear I would not listen , hide and run away to never face that person again. (funny, that how I deal with llife today). At 35, I share this with you all becuase I have been abondened yet again and I cant help but look in the mirror and see my mom. I cant help but look in the mirror and see my sister. Oh and did I share that when I met my mother during that same summer, I met my little brother maybe he was like 5 or so and she was giving him away, she wanted my mom to take him. What does a 13 do with that information, knowing she couldnt save her brother and never knowing what happened to him or where he would end up. So, here I am wondering what my sister needed to tell me, wondering why everyone leaves anyway no matter how hard I love or how much I try and wondering when and if this primal wound of abandonment will ever heal? So, I share this poem with you all in honor of my mother and in honor of my healing journey.

and I am telling you I am not going i dont want to be free im staying and you your gonna love me

your gonna love me because I belong to you your gonna love me no matter how far we are or if we never meet again your gonna love me your gonna remember me your gonna wish you would have kept me

safe from all the abuse I had to endure you kept me from believing that someone would love me someday so I searched and searched some more for you in everyone I met

and I found loneliness in every corner I found self hate, fear, and self doubt so I ran far and far away but the voice your voice was always there i didn't love you so no one will you have to work hard for anyone to stay because your not good enough everything you do is your fault no matter what you do people will leave you anyway

So, I created from nothing family in everyone who crossed my path I vowed no one would ever leave me again expect you were already gone and I would forever be in search of answers to questions that cost me Freedom has a price I didn't want to be free If I ever get the chance If I had the chance to know what you where going to do I would tell you

im not going I dont want to be Free Im staying and you your gonna love me

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Dear Dayanara,

Your strength and courage make me want to cry, and also to sit back and sigh with relief-that you have kept fighting, that we all keep fighting and that there is beauty and power in women's resiliency.

Hugs,

Rachael

"Tell me then, what will you do with your one wild, sweet, and precious life?" -Mary Oliver