Black & White

I painted my nails black and white yesterday. Was it fashion - no... I love doing manicure, but this time it was rather a revelation of my inner thoughts, feelings, dialogue. I can't cry anymore, because people say I am showing my weakness, I can't complain, because each of us has some kind of troubles, I can't speak out that it hurts loosing one job after another. 10 years I lied to myself, reading quotes and positive books about challenges that come on our way as a something better in the future. It has been 10 years since I moved from my mother's house into nowhere. I thought I was strong, prospective and doors open easily. But every morning I wake up... And I am alone with my thoughts. My friends I used to grow up are married, have children, or a family of their own. I am still looking to save the world. My friends tell me to go abroad, Canada, USA, France, Germany, Spain. But who is waiting me there? Society that replies back that we are there due to their taxes. I don't want to be looked as a migrant. But it is hard to proof it to the locals. I don't want to run away, but I don't see any meaning of staying here. I feel I become addicted to the bad habits more and more. When something good happens, I cheer it with a little of wine or campaign. When something bad is happening, and I cannot speak my mind, I find refuge in smoking. When I come home, there is more alcohol served by my mates on occasions or without reason.
It is morning, I can't sleep, my lungs hurt, headache from alcohol, and a sigh... My nails are still black and white...