Hands – pushing the dark cloud away

When I woke up, I could feel it will be one of ‘those’ days. It is like waking up and I could feel the dark cloud hanging over me. It is a Saturday morning after having slept fine, the start to the weekend, a good time to be in a good mood. For me it’s the time after a heavy week, after nightmares. I get up and hope the cloud over my head will dissolve. I get up and I’m angry. I am sad. I need coffee. I need to be on my own. I am on my own and I feel lonely want company, but don’t like myself so don’t know who to call and be with. My family is 10000 km away, friends, yes but no – I don’t want to bother, I don’t want to destroy any happiness with my cruel negativity and my self-hatred. The day goes along but then just before sunset, the tears start to come. I am crying. I feel pain, loneliness, anger. I want to be alone and I want company.
This is living with depression. My story has been a journey of almost 2 years of diagnosed depression and psychotherapy. It is those black moments that I fear the most, where I feel there is no space for me on this earth. I feel so alone and I wish I could crawl up like a child and be held, would fit again almost in a hand of an adult that will keep me warm, that will protect me and make sure the dark is not coming closer. Being alone as well as having good company does not help. Someone who listens and comments can make it worse because my depression then becomes and audience, being alone can make it worse because it can be self-destructive and lead to cutting and doing ugly things to oneself.
Quiet hands, non demanding, just holding my hands are those ones that help to push the dark cloud away. So, please come around sometime and hold my hand...it has happened but too few times....