Beyond the Wooden Wall

I am currently typing this inside a cancer center in my city. The past few days have been overwhelming. If not for my previous experiences of crushing pain, I don't think I would have survived whole.

Writing in my blog has become a safe haven for me.

The other day, I wrote this:

"Metastasis"

My father has stage 3 nasopharyngeal cancer.

The first time I knew about it, it wasn't his pain or his suffering that first came to mind.

I thought of my own lost. My own suffering. How can I be so selfish?

A great percentage written in this blog is about my love for a father who did not choose me.
For the father who always chose to leave me.

And when I learned of his sickness, the words "stage 3," "malignant," and "metastasis" sounded familiar. These were characteristics of my own sickness. The loneliness-of-a- daughter-carcinoma.

Others expect that I can easily accept this and move on. After all, this was a man who scarred me. But in spite of the excruciating pain, deep inside, I secretly hope that I can still create good memories with him. After all, I will only have one father in this lifetime.

I have a workload which cannot wait for me any longer. I have a husband who tries his best to understand me even when I cannot understand myself. I have a God who promises to "never leave me and forsake me."

But I really don't know what to do. What to feel. How to move on. How to go on.

How do you lose someone whom you have already lost?

I should be talking about my vision but why am I writing about cancer and rejection?

Ever since before, I have always managed to "see" beyond my own limitations. In spite of the things, opportunities and even people who are absent in my life, I managed to look beyond all these and imagine a potential, an aspiration that I protect and believe in.

I would like to be a beautiful and great vessel for positive change. I have ideas and insights which I believe are special and unique.

I have a heart filled with passion and it is constantly aspiring for truthfulness and integrity.

I would like to write about my mother, the world's mothers, the energy of the youth, poverty and hopefulness, pain and and resilience, scarred and beautiful lives, my life, your life, how evil triumphs over good and how we are not so different after all. I would like to write about how ordinary people like me can actually be "the change I want to see in the world."

I would like to write like Paulo Coelho. I would like to stir change, touch lives, inject inspiration and energy with a universal language that many can identify with. I would like to write with meaning and substance.

I would like to continue speaking. I would like to reach out to a bigger audience. I would like to tell stories. I would like to listen. I would like to know another woman's pain and identify with it. I would like to see another woman's potential and celebrate. I would like to be in solidarity with the world.

I would like to continue serving as a community builder. Then, a global community builder. I would like to share myself to the greater cause. I would like to see my life's cause as a greater force.

Being a correspondent will help me achieve my vision. Because I believe my learning will grow, my experiences will expand, my thinking will deepen and my heart will grow stronger. I would like to meet that one person who will believe in me, too. I think to be part of a program and to be assigned a great mentor is exciting! It will be an invaluable experience. As correspondent, I think I will be a hardworking student and I will try my best to learn as much as I can and apply it in my day-to-day activities as an education community builder and a youth leader.