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A personal story from a Lesbian

by cad_communication | March 1, 2010 at 6:20 AM

cad_communication

The Power of communication

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Action LGBT

This story was written by a lesbian (name witheld for protection) living in Zimbabwe during a digital storytelling workshop. I have not edited the story because i wanted you, the reader to hear what she has to say. Here is her story:

My fears started when I was getting to know myself. My family and people around me said I acted like a boy. Although I was afraid I did what came naturally to me. At school it was worse, I was afraid again because when the girls in my class were busy with the boys ,I had feelings for some of the girls in my school. My fear grew, I could not control it since all the ladies around me were getting boyfriends and even my sisters were getting into troubles at home because of boys. At that time I was not completely sure what was happening to me and why I was not interested in men, I was confused.

That made my fears grow stronger. I was afraid of what my family and friends would think or say if I told them what I was feeling. At that time I feared what the future would hold for me because I was told that I was a lady and that I have to get married to a man and have children and so on. Yet I knew that was not the life I wanted for myself. Although my friends, my true friends are aware of my sexuality, I am still afraid that my family will find out one day and reject me .The fear is always there as I listen to comments made about homosexuality at home and in public places.

I listen hoping that no one will notice how silent I am or see the raw fear in my eyes.
Not being able to open up to my family about who I am, what I am, and the kind of feelings I carry inside me pushed me to join a group. It was in this group where I was able to share my story with other people .My fears disappeared as I got more answers for the question of my identity. I met people who seemed to hold a mirror in front of me, showing me who I was and letting me know that it was ok to be Tendai (name changed) and to be who I am.

I felt their love and that made my fears melt away. I will not lie and say I am a fearless being today as I have already shared the one big fear I cannot get rid of, but I will be honest and say the more I open up the more I claim freedom for myself. I am who I am and thus all I need to be. That is all I’ll ever be. Since I am an artist I feel through my works of art I am able to express my feelings and I find this healing. I also think it also helps other people who are in a similar situation as me if they see my art works.

Comments

As I read this story I couldn't help but think about all the different reactions to people who we perceive as different than we are or those who are perceived as "morally wrong." Quite frankly I had never known anything at all about homosexuality until in the 1960's. I was working in a university lab and a young man I had met a couple of times came in and started crying. I asked him what was wrong. He told me he was gay and was very afraid because he was going to tell his parents that weekend. Basically my reaction was no reaction born mostly out of ignorance. I just sat there and listened and didn't say a word. I felt sorry for him that he was in so much pain. Later that day other workers came in and started talking about this young man in very hateful, negative terms. I remember saying, "He's a nice person." They laughed. My stomach hurt. I left the building. I never saw that young man again and I've often wondered what happend to him.

Fear makes a nasty bedfellow. Compassion can lead to hugs and smiles.

K-lee

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Indeed, fear makes a nasty bedfellow. Many LGBTQI constantly leave in fear. Right now as i write, some LGBTQI persons that i work closely with have been telling me that the police are going around arresting men who have sex with men.
In January 2006, Zimbabwe codified its criminal law, effectively replacing common law crimes by statury one. This has resulted in substantial changes to the laws affecting LGBTQI persons and their fear has increased because the law makes them more vulnebale.

Previously, consensual and nonconsensual anal sex between men were both regarded as sodomy, sodomy now refers to consensual sex between men. Previously, sodomy only referred to anal sex but now it includes any sexual contact between men and the law defines it as follows:
Any male person who, with the consent of another male person, knowingly performs with that other person anal sexual intercourse, or any act involving physical contact other that anal sexual intercourse that would be regarded by a reasonable person to be an indecent act, shall be guilty of sodomy and liable to a fine up to or exceeding level fourteen or imprisonment for a perios not exceeding one year or both.

So holding hands, kissing or hugging in public by two men may be viewed as indecent by 'a reasonable person". LGBTQI have no freedom. They are constantly afraid of what people will say. They are denied to have control over their bodies and this increases their fear and many continue to leave in cacoons.

I hope that our leaders and society in general would come to understand how their actions negatively impacts on the lives of sexual minorities.

In solidarity,
Gertrude

Thank you, my dear friend, for sharing this information. How many ways can humankind be abusive to humankind. Let me count the ways. Geez. My prayers are with them all.

K-lee 3709

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

Hi Gertrude,

Thank you for sharing this young woman's story. It is painful to hear of young men and women who have to live a lie in order to please their families and society. But it's also encouraging to hear that she has found a safe sanctuary and a group of people who accept her for who she is, as well as help her to see the beauty within herself. And I hope that one day she can share her true self with her family and that they will love her and accept her. What will it take?

Hugs,
Jade

Dearest Jade,
I think change and acceptance of LGBTQI persons will be taken seriously if families and society in general wear sexual minorites' shoes just for a day so that they experience the loneliness, suffering, and confusion brought to them as a result of homophobic attacks, vile laws and judgemental comments based on culture, religion and beliefs.

Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,

It is not only about sexuality that we behave like this. There are so many issues with women where they are unable to express themselves or live like they feel like or want to. Instead they just do what is supposed of them ; what their friends, family , society will want them to do. And what makes it mocking is that it happens to even educated well to do women, and to women from all parts of the world though in different manner and degrees.

Love

Nusrat

One of our greatest challenges as women is allowing other people to map our destinies. Most women are not capacited to thjink that they have solutions to change their lives. As a result, they look down upon themselves to the extend that they cannot defend their rights.
However, to some extent, power relations are to blame. Issues of sex, sexuality and about gender are all about power and control. So we need to assess who has power, how are they using this power and what's the impact.

What do you think?

Gertrude

Check this out on my new journal post. Love you hear your insight.

K-lee 3709

K-lee Starland, Ph.D.

It is true that there are many issues confronting humanity that we behave like this, and the feeling is so strong now when I think about people who are afraid to live their lives the way they want, may be policies and regulations too play some parts here. Do you know that ther are women who would ordinarily be alive today if they could divorce teh beast that strangled them in teh middle of the night, they had to endure till death do them part! Majy women who died intehir sleeps may be killed by their partners, they were afraid to leave because of what their peopel would say. A cousin had quarrels with her husband this weekend becasue she disobeyed her husband by trading. I now asked him why trading is regarded as a sin of disobedience in his home, he said if she has money she will become proud.

We hsould be free to be who we want to be, may be we should be looking at ourselves with teh new eye and follow that by self assessment and them complete self over hauling.
Thanks friend for this article

Olutosin Oladosu Adebowale (Take Back The Tray)
Founder/Coordinator
Stop The Abuse of Rights
House 7, Q Close
5th Avenue
Festac Town
Lagos-Nigeria

I believe the first step to helping any woman to move out off any mess that she will be in is empowering her financially so that they are in a position to make decisions. Secondly they need to be empowered with information so that they make informed decisions and that they can advocate for their rights. Then they need to be empowered with advocacy and lobbying skills so that they are in a position to challenge exisiting legislation and policies that infringe their rights to equality, dignity and respect.

What's your view?

Gertrude

Hi Gertrude

First of all, you need to be applauded for bringing to light and voicing out the concerns of gays and lesbians through this forum. We have learnt a lot about this issue through your posts.

I totally agree with what Nusrat and Olutosin had to say. As humans, its strange how we suppress so many feelings that are hidden deep within us. We are so concerned with what "other" will think. Why are we not taught to think in terms of what is good for us rather than what is considered good. We chose a certain profession based on what status we will attain, we behave according to what people expect of us. In this process of creating a facade, we forget about ourselves, and remain unhappy and frustrated. I am glad that the women who has written her story has written it. It is important that people like her come out...and speak for themselves because whether we accept or not, it is a sensitive issue, and despite so much awareness and education, people will always have some apprehension with regard to this group. They need to be strong and fight for themselves, and their rights.

Thank you once again for sharing this story with us.

Lots of love
Khushbu

Khushbu Agrawal

Khushbu,

I believe that it is time to take off any masks that we are wearing.
It's important that people understand who we really. This enables us to speak with one voice and to receive accurate information and updates on issues that affect us as individuals.

What's your take?

Gertrude

Dear Gertrude,

I know the pain of being silent and hiding one's real self to the world. Everybody want to be accepted for what they are, yet the world is so hostile and cruel to people who are honest about their true selves.. The fear of rejection and being ostracized is a constant nighmare lesbians and gays faced in this homophobic world of ours.

Its needs empowerment and courage to accept negative reactions of people around us but the greatest enemy is our own self acceptance of who we are. Though, I still believe that this self rejection is a product of a discriminating culture for people who are different from the norms of society.

I admired gays and lesbians who are so brave to came out and speak for their rights. Speaking and acting for the empowerment of themselves and for other marginalized groups is a big step towards building a strong social movement for change.

More power my sister!

love,
Malaya