I'm Swiping Left

When I see your profile on a dating app, I take into account your looks, occupation, and implied attitude. These are the reasons I won't be interested in getting to know you:

I don't care how shredded you are. If you're shirtless in your profile pic, I'm swiping left.

If you are wearing a penis costume in your profile pic....

If your profile pic shows two monkeys going at it....

If your nipple rings are the first thing I notice in your profile pic, I'm swiping left. Even if they match.

If you're wearing a \"Make America Great Again\" hat ...

If your profile pic is Donald Trump in a tallis (Jewish prayer shawl)...

If your profile name is \"basketofdeplorables John Doe\"...

If your job description is “capitalist marksman at guns for hire,” I'm swiping left.

If you are wearing a vest but no shirt, I'm swiping left.

If you're climbing a palm tree wearing only a Speedo, I'm swiping left.

If you assert that you're a \"great\" \"awesome\" or \"amazing\" kisser—if you categorize yourself as ANY kind of kisser—I'm swiping left. Like I believe your own assessment of an ability that isn't judged by an objective licensing board? One guy wrote, “Believes kissing to be an art form, long forgotten.” It hasn't been forgotten. It's just not blathered about by NORMAL PEOPLE.

If you say you're looking for a \"partner in crime,\" I'm swiping left. That hasn't been original since 2005. If then.

If you're posing with the Times Square naked painted ladies, I'm swiping left.

If you're licking an ice sculpture, I'm swiping left.

If you are in your 20s claiming to be in your 50s because you have a cougar fetish, I'm swiping left. You think I can't tell? I'm old, not blind!

If you list your occupation as “nunya,” I'm swiping left.

If you call yourself Brad and post photos of a certain recently separated celebrity, I'm swiping left. Does anyone fall for that?

If a falcon is perched on your arm, I'm probably swiping right, if only out of curiosity.

If your self-description is all emojis, I'm swiping left.

If you have no self-description, I'm swiping left. A lot of guys on Tinder have no self-description. This is basically shorthand for, “I just wanna get laid.” If your profile pics show you holding various babies yet your self-description is blank, I'm really swiping left.

If your profile pic shows you only from the neck down, shirtless or clothed, I'm swiping left. And if you're going to post a headless photo of yourself in your underwear, put on SEXY underwear, not saggy old light blue boxers. Seriously.

If your profile picture is a close-up of your butt, I'm swiping left even if you are wearing pants.

If you are posing next to a statue of Ronald McDonald... More than one of these....

If your marital status is “separated”...

If your marital status is “recently divorced”...

If your marital status is “open,” I'm swiping left.

If you're holding one or more lobsters—sorry, dude, I don't eat insects.

If you're standing in the middle of a group of guys who are actually attractive...

If you're making duck face in your profile pic...

If your name is “Hamas,” I'm swiping left.

If your name is Abdullah, you're standing in front of a pyramid, you went to college in Saudi Arabia, and you are on Jswipe...

If you're feeling up a giant poster of two Victoria's Secret Angels...

If your job description is “CEO at Self-Employed”--capital S, capital E...

If your job description is “Rum Smuggler” but you look like “Second Accountant”...

If you love crossfit, skiing, camping, and sushi, I'm swiping left. Because I am more the indoorsy type, and I don't eat raw fish. I don't care that it's cool and elegant and haute, I don't like it and I'm not eating it. I'm a grown-up and I don't have to eat things that I've tried and hated. Except in bed....

If you say, “I look and feel much younger than I am!” most other people don't. If you say, “I feel like a kid!” that's great, Ted Danson in Becker. If you say you get along best with women 10 years your junior, I'm swiping left and thinking that you deserve to die alone. Especially if you rave that “there are so many beautiful young women on here!” They don't want you, Golden Ager, and I don't either.

If you spend your self-description tabulating everything you hate about every woman you've dated so far—please. Check your privilege. Until we dismantle the patriarchy, women still have it a million times worse than men. Unless the woman is young and gorgeous—then, for a fleeting window of time, she has power. Otherwise, dating as a woman is a veritable shitstorm of disappointment, anxiety, frustration, and moments of genuine terror. If you're lucky.

Also, stop saying you're in New York City when you live in Boston or Cleveland or LA or fucking Tulsa. You waste my time and my data.

If you're bald with a ponytail, I'm swiping left. Because you obviously can't can't cope with reality.

If you're wearing a baseball cap in EVERY photo because you're bald, I'm swiping left. Own it!

If you give your location as Newark International Airport...

If you're looking for R.A.C.K. (not my rack, but “Risk-Aware Consensual Kink”)—I have learned to read those Tinder self-descriptions very carefully, although I had to Google this one—

If your neck is thicker than your head—for any reason—I'm swiping left.

If your profile pic is either a woman or you in VERY convincing drag...

If your profile pic is a koala bear...

if your profile pic shows you with a black eye...

If your profile pic on Jswipe is the Puerto Rican flag...

If your profile picture depicts the Grim Reaper...

If you work for strippertvlive.com...

If you claim to have attended Zombie Killing University...

If your profile pic shows off your Justin Bieber tattoo, I'm swiping left.

If you list your occupation as \"Professional Wiskey Taster,\" I'm swiping left. If you can't spell it, I doubt you're a very good judge of it.

If you're wearing a pinstripe fedora in your profile picture, I'm swiping left.

If you're holding a chainsaw in your profile pic...

If your profile pic is Jack Nicholson breaking through a door with a savage grin, I'm swiping left. You need therapy, not a girlfriend, and I'm off the clock on Bumble.

If your self-description reads “Certified Boobologist with a PhD in Boobology offering free exams!” seriously, dude, does that EVER work?

If your only profile pic is the Tardis, I'm swiping left.

If your profile pic is a boudoir shot of Homer Simpson...

If you look like you spend more time on your hair than I do...

If your profile picture is your wedding picture...

If your profile picture is a SNAKE... or a SPIDER... or anything icky...

If you post a picture of yourself when you were hot in high school, followed by a picture of yourself now when you are not, I'm swiping left.

If you're wearing a short-sleeved dress shirt and pocket protector...

If you call yourself a sales “engineer,” a security “engineer,” or a sanitary “engineer”...

If you didn't bother to comb your thinning, greasy hair...

If you didn't bother to shave and you're not Don Johnson, I'm swiping left.

When do I swipe right?

If you're wearing a t-shirt that says \"Eat Sleep METS Repeat\" I'm probably swiping right, because Mets fans are LOYAL. Being loyal to a losing sports team shows strength of character. Unless it's the Rangers, because Ranger fans suck. I've dated enough of them to know.

If you're answering a banana... I might swipe right.

This is why I'm single.