Helplessly, I watched my dream, desires and hope shattered before me. I felt crushed, crumbled and was left with nothing. There was noone to tell of the pain buried deep inside of me. I felt an end has come to my existence on earth cause I was sure nothing could save me from this storm rained upon me.
Why should this happen to me? i kept questioning myself, haven't I suffered enough? I've had a very rough background, never had anywhere to call home, I've never ever belonged anywhere, so why should a predicament like this befall me?
At this point, I've lost every sense of reason, I no longer care about right or wrong, as in, what other pain can I possible get than this one which I currently feel?
Tears has always been my best friend, I've never known a time I fall asleep as soon as I close my eyes to sleep without crying myself to sleep, I just had to shed those tears to get a sleep and it has been this way from my childhood and into adulthood until I met the father of my son.
It was the need to love and be loved that drove me into helplessly in love with him.
I can still remember those days he followed me about, he had professed and shown me so much love that I could hardly believe was possible, I used to think something was wrong with me and that was why I've never been treated with love.
I've been born into a polygamous home, my father had not always been around and when he do surfaced my mother would be there to ruin whatever peace and love I had hope to get from my father, she was always shouting and quarreling with my father for one thing or the other and am sure that was the major reason my father doesn't always come around.
You see, my father was a soldier who had made it a point of duty to marry a wife or two at every base he was being posted to, so he is not always around and I am always in search of a fatherly love, and since I couldn't get this in my house I try to get it from any man that showed little love or attention to me, to wish I always get dissaponted cause all the men I had encountered both young boys my age, those older than me and also elderly men, all in one way or the other always tried to have sexual inter course with me, I was molested several times and couldn't share it with anyone, my mother wouldn't listen anyway and even if she did, I was sure she was going to fight my molester which would only bring me shame, I hate seeing my mother fight publicly the way she does, so I would never be a subject of a public fight, as such, my molestation, pain and abandonment continued into adulthood until the only place I was pointing as home was also taken away from me when my mom took me away from far away Lagos to stay with my elder sister in Kaduna, I was taken from my childhood dragged into a place with culture so strange and absurd, very different from the buzzing bobbling live of Lagos I was used to.
Coming to Kaduna, was like going from frying pan to fire, my sister lives with her in-laws who made it a point of duty to remind me at every slightest provocation that, this was their father's house and that, it was my sister that was married and not my family. My mother had taken us to live there because our load was thrown out in public being that, my father had been retired and paid his gratuity, but he hadn't made provision for our shelter because he had abandoned us and left with another woman who controls his affairs.
My trouble continued, I longed desperately for a place to call home, this has been my dream and heart most desire and so when Sam came with all his love and attention, I gave my everything to him, my heart, my soul and my body. I withheld nothing from him, he was there for me encouraging me, sponsored my education, he was a father i never had, he was more than a friend, he was my hero. So, when the news came to me that Sam, my own Sam that had given me hope, that had showered with attention and bathed me in love impregnated someone else, all my dreams, hope and aspirations crumbled before me, I lost the purpose for living, life ended for me that day.
This has been me for a very long time, I've tried over and over again to get over this pain, to live above this shame and dissapointment, but I see myself going back where I had fallen, I always staggered back to the one who had stabbed me. right now, I see myself helplessly picking crumbs from his leftover plate of love, I keep going back, hoping I would one day get back that love he had poisoned me with. As a result, i got pregnant, gave birth to his son and yet still can' t get his attention, i still feel pain, sometimes, i think am going crazy, but i kept going knowing there is nomore pain i could possible feel than the one I've felt from my childhood and the one i still feel presently.
As hopeless as it is, I keep reminding myself sam is one man who has ever swept me off my feet and given me the opportunity to drink from the intoxicating cup of love for the very first time in my life and I don't want to ever let go of this one man who has once given me a sense of purpose and belonging, I don't want another man in my life no matter what!!
I am Adeyemi Aderonke, this is my story, this is my life, a life of #justalittlegirlinlove