Finding me, is definitely the top most priority at this precarious juncture of my life. My identity, my voice, my dreams, and my suffocated screams – I need to address these! My vision for my community is to remove the oppressive stereotypes branded on us. My wish is to humanize our cries. I want our women stop being made sexual objects. I want our men to respect women as humans first, as mothers of our children, as counterparts – the least as objects for their lust; our sensuality to be handled delicately as it deserves to be, our emotions to be understood for all the roles we are expected to play. My vision is to see a human race that respects each other irrespective of gender.
That vision, that craving, is what led me to World Pulse. I started writing years before that, trying to make sense out of life, out of what was happening to me, with me, and also around me.
I have my doubts, about my strengths, about what I live with. I have stood strong in the face of a number of challenging adversities and I have triumphed outwardly. Others see me as a successful career woman, a leader, a dedicated mother, a role model wife, a supportive & responsible daughter. What they don’t see is the angst within me. What they don’t see is the demons I fight within; what agonizing efforts I put in for my ‘strength’.
I want to be a voice of World Pulse in the hope of gaining that inner confidence, to rein that inner voice, to embrace emancipation. I want to get strength from this online community of great women. I want to learn to accept that I was sexually abused as a child; it is in the PAST. I want to learn to accept that I am in an abusive relationship, that I made an 'unintelligent' choice and I have deluded myself for almost two decades believing things will change. I want to learn to respect who I am; to accept that abusers are abusive not because of whom we are but because of whom they are. I want to get enough strength to break free from this cycle of doubt, guilt, and self-sacrifice. I want to learn to believe in my heart and mind that my being trapped here is not worth the sacrifice. I want strength and wisdom to make the right decision for me, and consequently for the emotional well-being of my children.
By this process I want to be the strength for other people like me. I want to be able to advocate their safety without them walking the same agonizing walk I have endured trying to be strong, while breaking inside. I often see women with very subdued eyes, people resigned to their fate. I want to give them hope, a reason to smile. Through this journey, I want to learn from them and also show that we can overcome the demons, whatever they are. Being women does not mean we have to endure hardships and cruelty in silent remorse. I want to shout out loud to all women and men that it should not hurt to be a woman.
I wish someone had taken my hands and pulled me out of this never ending subtle and selective abusive relationship. Today, I realize the best thing is to raise our voice to save ourselves from the pain and also to save others by being an example. We need to stop brainwashing our girls to be patient and obedient; our boys to be manly and macho. We need to stop that! We need to tell them, teach them, and show them that being a specific gender does not require to be subjected to pain and hardship.
Every day I doubt myself, about my loyalty, my selflessness, and my role. I want to overcome that doubt.
I am confident World Pulse will help me in this endeavor, to gain my identity back. I already have made strides. I have already come across women who could help me. In turn I can be the help for someone else. We can get through this with a united voice.
P.S. The title inspired by http://itshouldnothurttobeawife.com/who-am-i/Voices of Our Future Application: Your Vision