I was not raped, but they raped my mind,actions and behavior,but I was just a little girl.SeXual abuse is real. SEMA HAPANA.

Amonge
Posted August 18, 2019 from Kenya

If time is a great healer, then I pray it heals my heart. It pains me when I remember  my childhood and realised I was sexually abused,i never knew it was sexual abuse because the abusers gave presents, and favours thus making me feel it was something  right and normal

After my dads death, my mother was left alone to take care of us.Growing up in Nyalenda  slums in Kenya as a young girl was something  I cant say was better,but I thank God here I am today.

I was sexually  abused. To me sexual abuse is not all about the action of sex,but touching me sexually ,talking to me sexually and forcing me into touching you sexually with any part of my body, without  my consent  or permission  is sexual abuse. 

It happened  several  times without my mother knowing, how could I know it was a bad act and I was made to feel it was just okay by the abusers by giving me small gifts and favours, to make it more painful these people  are the last ones I expected could harm me. My mother trusted  them. 

Having tiny breast poping on my dress wasn't a guarantee  that I was a grown woman.Remembering how that pastor used to call me in his bedroom and touch them makes me sick. But back then that was the only way I could play in his compound and be given sweets and I think many of us who went there to play passed through that. I feel sorry for them but hope they also got a platform to express themselves. Don't trust people  with your children. 

Second  incident happened  again at a friends place our neighbor house, I thank God because I was almost raped  but it never  happened. The uncle to my friend undressed me, made me lie on the bed, touched my private parts then he made me believe  it was not bad to do so, further he promised to give me ice candies, but before he could rape me, the elder sister to my friend came knocking on the door. He had locked  it from the inside, he hurriedly dressed me and warned me not to say, if I did so he couldnt give me ice candies. Upon opening  the door I never said anything, how I wished I did but I was just a little  girl who was promised ice candies. #always ask your child what game did she or he played out of that she can tell you what happened. 

The third time it was at milimani estate in kisumu,kenya.that was at my classmates house.It was somewhere  I used to visit and some times slept there. Our parents were friends, we even used to go swimming together,so it happened  on that day that I went late and found Melany  had gone swimming, the dad was around.He welcomed me in gave me food and allowed me to play in the compound. After sometime he asked the house help to call me I was welcomed  in the living room then the TV was switched and I was watching cartoon. In my mind it was normal I was his kids friend and he knew my mother. After sometime the household let I think she went to the servants quarter when Melanie's dad came to the living room, undressed and made me suck his private part ,later on he gave me dolls, and mangoes.unluckily I left without seeing Melany and it was the last time I went there. One day I hope I will know where he vacated to and......., #Dont trust your children  with anyone 

The pastors daughter  also sexually abused me, but it was not for long.it was in the church camps where she made me suck her breast,touch them and even her vagina to make it painful she was menstrating.I no longer go to church callings to date. I even see her up to date and she seems to have forgotten  everything 

When I remember my childhood it makes me sick in the head. If I had the powers then today all these culprits  would be behind bars, but who can believe  my story without proof, it's only God I depend on to heal my heart. 

Later on in life I knew that it was normal for a man to touch you or have sex with you as long as he was giving you favours or gifts in return.what a pathetic life, but that is what I learnt when I was young. 

When I joined high school.The deputy teacher seduced me, he could always buy me bread during brakes and not Cain me. My mum had died back in 2007 my sister was struggling with life so most of the time I was not visited in school. I had no option  and I was benefiting.after the teacher realise I had other boyfriends besides him things turned around, no money for brake, I was cained without reasons,suspended without reasons I almost dropped out of school when he beat me up because I borrowed a calculator during mock exams in form three in2013. I tried speaking out but was dismissed  by the director claiming I never loved school and I was not performing well. Thus threatened  to throw me out of sponsorship  program. Anyway the teacher later died in a road crush but after I had finished the forth form. 

Later on I had boyfriends, if they  could  not give gifts and favours  in return I left, at times I feel sorry for my self. I messed up and am on a journey to shape my self, am peeling off my past just understand and hold my hands, and walk with me on this path to a better me. And again my son came in between and changed  part of my mindset, at least I depend only little income from selling /hawking dipers.

Morals from my story :-

-many young girls are sexually abused all over the world without their knowledge,try and talk to our girls they might be suffering  and they don't know.

-Growing breast isn't a sign of maturity. It's hormones. That girl is still young if she is under 10 but with breast piping. DONT TOUCH

- Don't trust people with your children, in todays world also boys get abused. Talk to them, ask them the tipes of games they play, with who and what. Buy them gift and toys so that they don't find it unusual when bought for by a stranger. 

-if your busy create time for your children. Don't just leave them with people or let them sleep at people's houses because you trust those people. 

-its not too early or too late to start talking to your child about sex and sexual abuse. 

sexual abuse still exists it doesn't matter if my pant went down or not. LETS STOP CHILDREN SEXUAL ABUSE. 

Comments 16

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Hello, Amonge,

How brave you are for speaking out your truth! It's true, victims/survivors of sexual violence hesitate to speak up because it's hard to present a piece of evidence. I'm sorry some people who seemed to be "trustworthy" messed up your idea on sex ( it's ok as long as they give you favors in return). Any kind of abuse a child experiences will have a long-term effect on adulthood. It does take a while to heal, but I'm glad you brought the lessons with you and are sharing this with us.

I'm a mother of two boys. Part of my decision to be their caretaker is I also experienced sexual violence as a child, I want to prevent this from happening to my children because like you said even boys get molested, too.

Thank you for sharing your story! Writing my vulnerabilities on World Pulse was a healing process for me. I hope you continue to write your stories. This is what this space is about. Looking forward to reading more from you!

Amonge
Aug 18
Aug 18

Thank you Karen, I pray that every young girl who got abused gets a chance to express themselves to heal. And I hope with time I will heal too

I join you in that prayer, dear sister. Yes, may you find your healing, too. Hugs, dear. You've been through so much. But all these experiences have now made you wiser and stronger.

Jill Langhus
Aug 19
Aug 19

Hello Dear Brendah,

How are you doing, dear? Thanks so much for sharing more of your painful life story with us. It does seem like sexual abuse is still rampant in the world, unfortunately, and children are so vulnerable. I agree with your important messages. How are you healing from this trauma now? Do you feel that's it's affected your self esteem? What lessons have you learned from your past that have taught you to parent your children differently than you were?

You may want to consider submitting this story under one of the calls for stories headlines under the "Voices Rising" tab, such as the "Peace and Security" tab, so that more women can read your story, raise even more awareness on this crucial topic, as well as share their experiences, too. If so, this is the link for that particular topic: https://www.worldpulse.com/raise-your-voice/peace-and-security

Thanks, lovely. I hope you're having a great week so far:-)

XX

Amonge
Aug 19
Aug 19

Hello Jill languid,
Today am doing just fine, I hope you're fine too. Indeed sexual abuse is still rampant but the abused persons are not free to come out for the fear of being judged. But I have realised speaking out is the best healing process. It has helped me grately
The more I speak about it I delivered every moment. I hope that someday it will fade away, and am lucky I have a platform like work pulse.
Sexual abuse affect the abused later and grater in life most especially when it happened to you when you were young. I say that from experience, it did affect me and my self esteem. I have messed a number of times in my life but I hope someday I will seat back and look into my life and be proud that I changed my story.
I have learned that be keen with our children, what they say, do how the play with who?it may help save them from sexual abuse. And it's also too early for you to talk to your child about sex don't wait for her periods
I have a son, males also get abused sexually looking back at my past, I am always afraid for him, my inner self has that fear that it might happen to him without my knowledge but again I try to remain strong in front of him. I take part in some of his games, question him wisely on types of games with who what happened. In short,you might be busy, but don't be busy for your child.
Lastly dear Jill, kindly post for me my storyon women rising , Am using a phone and its kind of hard to post it, thank you so much ì

Jill Langhus
Aug 21
Aug 21

Hello dear,

Glad to hear:-) Yes, I'm doing very well, thanks!

I see. Yes, I think healing is far more important than worrying about being judged. Hopefully you will pave the way for many others to speak up to change this mentality. We are grateful for you to be in our community, dear, and to speak up and share your stories so that others may heal, too, from them.

I agree on the effects of sexual abuse, and I can relate. How do you feel that you have messed up? I hope you're not saying these instances were your fault in any way, because they're absolutely weren't. I'm glad that you are proud that you have changed your story, outlook and trajectory... you should be:-)

Yes, those are valuable lessons that you've learned and that you passing on now to educate and transform the future generations. And, yes, both genders need to be educated early on.

I'm not able to post your story, dear. You would need to log into your account to be able to do it, however, I can let the editor know that you would like to be considered for this story award, if you're unable to re-post it? Just let me know....

Hope you're having a great day!

Amonge
Aug 21
Aug 21

Dear Jill, am good over here.
Thanks for having confidence in me, I also hope that one day I will get a large platform to change lives with my story and help every female who pass through sexual abuse but can't speak out heal.
Am unable to repost the story,kindly let the editor know thank you once more. Lots of love brenda

Jill Langhus
Aug 21
Aug 21

Hi Brendah,

Great to hear:-)

You bet, and always:-) You will, then! You have the intention and the desire, and so it is!

Okay on your story. I will let her know.

Have a good one!

Lisbeth
Aug 20
Aug 20

What a sad story, sorry you have to go through this puha. I agreed with you that molesting of kids is also sexual abuse.
May your soul be healed. Will add you to my sincere prayers. Thanks for sharing it and speaking out.

Amonge
Aug 21
Aug 21

Dear Lisbeth,
Thank you for adding me in your prayers.

Lisbeth
Aug 24
Aug 24

No mention. I hope you are doing better... Regards

Sumera Reshi
Aug 20
Aug 20

Dear Sister,

My heart pain while reading your post. You are a brave person and I salute your courage. Honestly, I should learn from you to fight. I am moved by your story.

Love to you,
Sumera

Amonge
Aug 21
Aug 21

Dear Sumera.
Thank you so much, yes we need to fight no matter what, if we don't then life don't move on in our world. Thank you again

Sumera Reshi
Aug 22
Aug 22

Dear sister Amonge,

I agree with you. We shall overcome all the hurdles.

Regards,
Sumera

Amonge
Aug 22
Aug 22

Amen dear sister sumera

I am inspired by your ability to move past the past and not let it define you nor oppress you. Never again will you allow someone to treat you like that. I feel your strength through your voice. Your fire was not put out by these experiences, rather, you have grown from them. That is obvious from your language. We all suffer in some way or another. We can either stay down and accept defeat or we can stand up and say no more, and share our strength with others. Thanks for sharing your strength with me.