You killed me but I didn't die

Ani Ghukasyan
Posted October 5, 2017 from Armenia
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Hi, dear Worldpulsers. I would like to talk about my story of childhood. How from NOTHING I started to become SOMEONE for inspiring the girls, who cared the same problems as me.

Day by day internet is becoming full of psychological instructions: How to behave with kids, children. Fortunately, thanks to the web-cites, nowadays parents analyze and deeply recognize the importance of becoming RIGHT parents.

I was grown in a family, which wasn't so harmonius as I would like or dreamt of. Father always critisized mother, beating her and obviously behaving him as if he was EVERYTHING, she was NOTHING. Mother, as it is considered, threw all her anger and inner problems on me, beating me in front of people, calling me "Animal, Evil, Why were you born". I grew up in the atmosphere of fear and alarm. My self-assessment was lower than anyone could ever had. I couldn't succeed in school, my classmates taunted me for my shy character and not being able to communicate like other normal people did, my teachers called me STUPID, LOSER. I had black childhood. I felt so defenseless as I had to careall my problems alone, I didn't trust parents as I was sure they wouldn't understand and protect me. I just survived and hated God for not sending me to Death.

But God didn't hear me. He continued to keep me on earth. I grew up. In order to survive in the world, I started to read, started to learn something, write about my feelings as only Diary could be my friend. As a girl I didn't have a dream of boyfriend as I recognized no one would like to have such problematic girlfriend, no one would love me, as even my parents "didn't love me", what about others. I didn't believe in career success, as I am loser from the birthday. So, I felt comfort with the psychology of victim, with the agression toward everything and everyone. But one day, when I was 21 years old, I decided to be changed, I decided to get out from my victim comfort.

1. Be kind, even if they kill you

Dear victim girls, your agression is quite normal reaction toward world, after what you saw. But one day you should analyze and try to work on your agression, on accepting people however they are. You should be kind even toward people, who tried to kill you as personality. You were just a defenseless child, who was an instrument to solve their inner problems. If they understood what they did, they would never did it. So, becoming NORMAL person, means forget as much as you can and understand that all parents have a right to make mistakes. Becoming kind, you also become mature.

2. Too much efforts to be self-confident

It takes too much times (years), it takes fantastically hard work to solve this problem. Unfortunately, childhood shock follows us always, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't work on yourself. I have overcomed this problem with trying to communicate. I started to be involved in a lot of social activities, met with a lot of psychologists, started to be included in a lot of courses to find myself. Parents started to have less authority for me. I started to take example from people, who are self-confident (self-confident people, for me, are calm, solid, discreet,who don't care of other's opinions). But it doesn't mean I have solved the problem. The fact of being unsuccessfull was transformed into the complex: I spoke much, I always wanted to prove something to people, if parents called me, my first reaction was agression. I proved my parents all the time that "Look, I am not a loser, not animal", "Look, you killed me but I didn't die". I didn't keep my efforts to be successfull in my career life. Nothing dissapointed me. I had used to lose so much times that now it was not a problem to lose one more time. But the feeling of necessity to prove something made me go forward. Just one day I stopped to prove and lived for myself.

3. Meeting with valuable people

This point played a great role on my personality development. I stopped to waste my time among people, who only promoted to the low self-confidence. I chose friends, with whom I felt harmonius with myself. They should tell you about your shortcomings as well but you should feel support and Love within everything. And believe, true friends exist! Chose friends, who teach you TO FIND YOURSELF.

4. Love yourself however you are.

Society loves winners, socirty loves the beautiful ones, society loves self-confident people, society loves calm, not-talkative people, society loves strong people, society loves this or that. It's not your problem what does society love. Love your type, love your existence, love your advantages, disadvantages, love YOURSELF, love yourself and step by step you will start love others as well.

5. Do whatever you like, not what you have to do

Find a lot of skills to study. I have started to study languages, then journalism, then dances, then piano. Waste your time wisely. Travel, go with hiking, meet new people. All these people will be example for you and reflect your personality.

6. Appreciate each second of your life.

7. Don't be compared with others.

8. Forgive your parents

They did and continue with the same manner. Don't wait, untill they would change. Change yourself. Forgiveness is too much difficult. Just understand they are also human being and may have mistakes. As a reply of their agression, just calmly ask them "Why are you so nervous?" "Can I help you" or don't reply. Just be calm with them and your self-confidence shouldn't rely on their assessments. If they call you animal, don't be animal, act like human being. Difficult, cruel but true.

9. Love yourself as a girl.

Many girls were tortured during wars, dictatorial sociaties, or just for being a member of vulnerable family. You are not the only one. And that didn't break themselves as girls, women. Turning to the psychologists is the best solution.

10. As future parent

Of course, don't do the same mistakes. If your husband beats and humbles you, it is better to get divorced than to survive for children, for not having a flat to stay, etc. Then you instinctively throw up your anger on defenseless child. Child will be happier to grow up in half-done but harmonius family.

Just love your child however she/he is. Of course, it doesn't meanpermissiveness of doing everything. But shortcomings should be corrected with love.

We should grow up self-confident, strong, independent and mature society, and not poor, wretched and non-established agressive fighters.

Comments 5

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Jill Langhus
Oct 05, 2017
Oct 05, 2017

Hi Ani. Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. I hear you about being beaten down, but not broken... a survivor. I didn't have the fundamental basics growing up either and find life can be challenging at times, but I am strong, like you, and I know that I have a higher purpose to help women and girls that are going through difficult times as well. You are so strong and amazing for having gone through what you have and so victoriously. You figured out so much at such an early age. It's impressive.I do think forgiveness is important, though, as it can hold us back health-wise and also from moving forward. It hasn't been an easy journey for me forgiveness-wise, and I'm still on it. I don't forgive them, but I do accept that they are/were human and make mistakes; just as I do.

Corine Milano
Oct 06, 2017
Oct 06, 2017

Ani, I am so glad to see you back on World Pulse! Thank you for sharing your story of courage and bravery. Please keep sharing your voice!

Hilari Tripura
Oct 06, 2017
Oct 06, 2017

Hi, Ani

You are great. There are a lots of people all around the world who loves you. Loving yourself is most important not only as a girl but also as a complete human being. 

Nov 07, 2017
Nov 07, 2017

Hi Ani,

Thank you for sharing your childhood story.  One important thing that struck me with your story is "forgiveness" for what I believed and experienced when you forgive, this brings healing.  And I am encouraged how you have shared this word and I quote...... "But shortcomings should be corrected with love"  from what is happening around the world, LOVE should still be in our heart for each other.

Nov 08, 2017
Nov 08, 2017

Thanks Ani for sharing your story with us. It resonates with me, I suffered same fate in the hand of a boss. My solution is similar to yours.

I decided to be kind to people who work with me. My experience taught me that lesson.