Who Am I?

Aparna Nagesh
Posted March 7, 2020 from India

A dancing clown, tumbling and cartwheeling through life. Sometimes I am a happy clown, sometimes I am a sad clown, but for the most part I am a constantly moving mass of energy. When the fatigue hits me, or anxiety makes me fidget and my restless mind doesnt seem to stop, I cook, listen to music or read.

I feel strongly about most things, I am very vocal about equality, justice and the freedom to eat cake whenever, wherever and however I want. 

Or fries, or ice-cream or carbs. 

Sometimes sadness overwhelms me and drags me down a deep dark hole, and I zip through the pain and reach a point where everything becomes numb and I function on automaton. High Functioning is the term I believe. But then at those times, I either sleep or I read or I binge watch multiple episodes of Friends and The Office. There is something comforting about the canned laughter track on Friends that prompts you to laugh out loud, even when you dont feel much like it. But The Office, it is something else. The hopeless romanticism leading to convenient comfort in Jim & Pam's relationship, or Michael Scott's complete withdrawal from reality, the ability to find familial warmth even amongst a group of people that are completely different from each other and most importantly, transitioning from dismissing the goofy Dwight Schrute to severely disliking him, to falling in love with his loyalty and loony behaviour. There is definitely something to be said for the comfort of disassociating from your own reality and diving deep into a make believe one.

I dont know if you can relate, but when I come out of one these deep gray fogs, all my senses feel heightened. All the colours are sharp and bright, everything is louder, my mind feels clearer, and I actually feel like conversing. Tasting and feeling the shape of words and sentences that tumble out of my mouth in a rush. Quick, before I am dragged back into the fog again. 

I feel like my eyes are open wider, to take in everything I see, every speck of dust, every single pattern on every single thing around me. The faces of the people I meet, brought into sharp focus and I quickly memorise their features, just in case they go blurry again.

I struggle to call it depression. Sometimes I'll say low mental health, or I am having an episode, or I am in a slump, or a fog. Any word but that!

I think of my these episodes as a big, giant sack of marbles that I carry. The bag keeps shifting, changing shape. Sometimes lighter, sometimes heavier, rolling around and resting at different points on my body. But it's always there - to be carried. 

I struggled with the discomfort of it initially, but now it has become easier to travel with. Onwards and Upwards.

Comments 21

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Sowmya Swaminathan
Mar 07
Mar 07

Dear Aparna,

Thank you so much for writing this! I can relate to every word you've written here — including the struggles with mental health, being deeply in love with food, Friends, The Office!

Your writing is beautiful, elegant, descriptive, and it hit me right in the gut. I'd love to learn more about you & your journey, and learn as much as possible from you! (including dance, which I love!)

Love and hugs,
Sowmya :)

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you! <3

Vidya Rajagopalan
Mar 07
Mar 07

Hey Aparna ,
Relatability level: 100 x infinity
Thanks for writing this ,love ya

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you !! <3

Kirthi Jayakumar
Mar 07
Mar 07

Thank you for your voice, Aparna! You are a powerful writer and your way with words sends healing energy through cyberspace <3

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you for constantly encouraging and pushing me!<3

Dear Aparna,

How are you? I enjoy reading your post. I love Friends! Unfortunately, I no longer have time to watch any series. I am glad you know yourself well and you know how to manage or deal with low moments. How brave you are for speaking up.

I can relate, really. I was clinically diagnosed with depression. My way of coping is like what you do, practice self-care. I discover that one way of dealing with mental health-related episodes is through the Narrative Approach. By simply sharing our stories in safe spaces, we can process our thoughts. We are fortunate to have World Pulse.

Please, dear sister, keep writing here! I am looking forward to reading more from you!`

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thanks again Karen! <3 And keep fighting!

Dawn Arteaga
Mar 08
Mar 08

Dear Aparna, thank you for sharing this. I can relate to so much of what you said - French fries, the comfort of canned laughter on Friends’ episodes I have watched many times before, The Office! I am with you! So glad you are sharing here - you might enjoy reading Angel’s latest post. She also talks about the fog you are speaking of: https://www.worldpulse.com/community/users/angel-lasona/posts/94246

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you Dawn. Will definitely read it!

Stella Paul
Mar 08
Mar 08

Dear Aparna
Your words are so relatable! I have known the 'fog' you so wonderfully described. A lot of people call it depression. I used to call the same. But then I realized, growing up in the mountain, I always loved fogs - the thicker, the better. Fog is welcome and although momentarily blinding, it also very refreshing. Also, as one who loves being in her own company, being in a fog is a great break from the outer chaos! So, here's to your growing comfort and embracing yourself - both during and post the fog!
Finally, keep writing because you have a gift!
Stella

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

What an interesting perspective. Thank you Stella!

Urmila Chanam
Mar 08
Mar 08

Dear Sowmya,
Thank you for writing down your feelings. The difference between writing them down and just keeping it on your mind is you can revisit multiple times to assess the validity of your feelings. You will find on another day you will come up with another explanation and one by one, you will strike all down and say, this isn't as bad because all these episodes can be interpreted differently on different times and giving benefit of doubt to a situation is kinder on ourselves than being absolute.

I love Friends. I watch it daily at 11.50 PM on Comedy Central on Tata Sky. It's my time. I don't take up anything during those 30 minutes. It has healing quality for me. I live alone in a big house which doubles up as my office. Friends does multiple things for me. So you are on the right path on both the account- writing about your feelings and watching TV or movies and being involved watching others lives and getting entertained.

I am very particular about not using the D word because a strong person too feels lows, and if you feel low there is a causal factor. Look at it. Face it. Try to solve it. Give it your best. If it doesnt go, move on and do things that make you happy or feel beautiful and desirable. Wishing you all the best from someone who has been there, done that and gotten over.

Love and hugs
Urmila Chanam
Bengaluru

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you Urmila. <3

Manasa Ram Raj
Mar 09
Mar 09

Dear Aparna,

Welcome to world Pulse! Everything you said is very very relatable and your writing has caught it on point. Thank you for sharing the story. We hope to hear more from you.

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you Manasa.

JANEKALU
Mar 09
Mar 09

Hi Aparna, thanks for sharing.Life can be frustrating but it takes determination to live

Regards
Jane Kalu

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

It absolutely does!

Anita Shrestha
Mar 09
Mar 09

Dear Sis
Thank you for sharing

Aparna Nagesh
Mar 10
Mar 10

Thank you!

Shirin Dalaki
Mar 12
Mar 12

Dear Aparna,
Your story title is, "Who Am I", the question that I think most human beings ask at some point in their lives. We all relate with your story...with up and downs...known and unknowns. I certainly have been depressed many times in my life and watching Friends to make me feel better but in my sad, quiet times asking exactly the same question that you asked over and over again...
You might know that according to the law of attraction when you ask...you receive. So here is my view on this particular question...Who Am I? You are YOU like no one else with your own unique, spectacular you...with your own way of expression of who you are. You are also a gift from God or higher being who loves you very much. You are soul with all sort of potentials within you so I encourage you to JUST BE YOU and let us applaud you for being you.

Shirin