The little girl who lived through hell

When you first asked me to send you my story, I was both a little excited and a little scared... Maybe scared of being judged, scared that my story isn't inspirational enough or just plain scared to share such am intimate piece of myself. 
I feel brave today, so here goes a very short version of what feels like a 100 years and yet its only been 41
...

I was born in 1976 on the 13th of the 11th month at exactly 12pm in Port Elizabeth in the Eastern Cape. 
I'm the second oldest to 5 siblings and was born to a teenage mother and an alcoholic father. 
My mother stayed home while my father worked as an IT specialist for the post office. My father was an amazing man despite his drinking habits. 
The most amazing musician who played every instrument, like ever and a registered genius. 
My mother was angry. She's an amazing woman, bit truth be told, she was angry! 
She never loved my dad and had to marry him after she fell pregnant from a one night stand. 
My mother left my dad shortly after the birth of my brother when I was about 18 months old. 
The police came to the house one night and told her that my dad wanted to commit family murder. My grandpa overheard him speaking in the bar and phoned the police. Upon arrival at our home, the police found enough ammunition to blow up a small town so they arrested him and my mom decided to leave. 
This was very unusual behaviour for him, since he never ever abused any of us in any way shape or form.

After that my mom started dating another man....a monster! 
He was a drug addict who would beat us, rape us, tie us up and set us alight...just a horrible, horrible man. By the time my brother was 8 months old he stopped crying...he knew crying would get him either beaten up or thrown into a wall. 
It was hell. 
I still remember being scared all the time not knowing what will happen next. I was about 2 years old and suffered from severe anxiety attacks where I would just stop breathing and pass out. My mother would frantically try to get me to breathe again. He even tried to poison my sister...  Whenever I was naughty, he would lock me outside in the rain for the night. I can remember knocking on the door, asking him what I did wrong to deserve that. I could never understand how it is that I loved him so much and still nothing I did was ever good enough.
In August one year, when my mom gave birth to my little brother, she left us with him for 3 weeks... He left us alone for 2. He abandoned us! Locked us up in a room, and just left. This was right before my 3rd birthday. It was me, my younger brother and my older sister (11 months my senior )We didn't have anything to eat, we couldn't go anywhere and I can remember how scared we were. Black ladies from the street would feed us bread crusts through the window. 
After my mom came home, she had to leave again for two months and we stayed in a car. 
Again, he abandoned us! 
The police came and took us away. This was the day before my birthday. 
When my mom came home, her kids were gone.

They took us to Oosterland Kinderhuis in Despatch where I stayed for the next 15 years. 
Early on I was teased a lot because I was the little redhead, bucktoothed kid with glasses that struggled in school. 
I was very different from the rest. 
I excelled in sports and the arts. 
I would complain a lot about seeing things that others didn't.... I was diagnosed with ADHD and impulsiveness amongst other things witch made school very hard for me. I struggled to spell and with even the simplest form of math. My brain just didn't work like all the others. 
What made it even harder was the fact that although we were now safe with food to eat, my oldest sister would still look for food in the dustbin for us to eat and the other kids were just beyond cruel about it. She just didn't care. To her, she was still looking out for her baby sister who had to eat and this was all she knew. Getting old food from the trash to feed us.

In my sixteenth year,  together with a friend, I ran away from the children's home. I just couldn't take it anymore. Although now, I was very popular in school, in the home I felt very misunderstood and I was constantly questioning everything and everyone. 
I had a certain knowing about how things should be and no matter how many times it was explained I refused to accept it. 
I lived on the street for a while after witch a friends mom took us in. 
We would do odd jobs here and there and after 9 months we decided to phone the police to come get us. 
We were then transfered to Protea place of safety and 3 weeks later they flew us to Kruinsig high in George. A school for kids with "issues" 
I started my std. 9 year on the 26th of September 1994. 
I passed with flying colors. I did so well, I was rewarded prefect the next year. 
I finished my matric year on the 12th of November 1995 and returned to the Eastern Cape.

After working a few odd jobs, I started working at a hair salon at the end of 1996. I also sang in a band and that's where I met my now ex partner and father of my three kids. 
I sometimes think that the only reason I stayed with him was because I didn't wanna go back to my moms place, so I stayed....I'm still trying to decide if it was the best or worst decision of my life. Little did I know, I would live my mother's horrible life for 20 years.

I officially met Shaun in February and 2 weeks later we started dating. The warning signs were there from the beginning, but I chose yo ignore them. I had someone now. No more working till late and going home to a cold bed with no one to talk to. 
He spoiled me rotten, but not long after we started dating I found out he had a girlfriend, they been together for 5 years!! 
He promised he'd leave her and he did. We would go out every night and he would get drunk every night. Not long after that, my mother started complaining about the late nights and he asked me to move in with him. I did. About six months into the relationship, I found out I was pregnant. He was furious! Told me to get rid of it. I was very confused. That's something I would never do. He took me to literary every doctor, hospital and clinic, trying to force me to get an abortion, but without my written consent, the doctors wasn't allowed to touch me. When I was almost six months pregnant, he took me to a local Dr I knew of, but haven't been to before. 
The Dr told me that I had a yeast infection and inserted two rather large tablets in my vagina and told me that the infection should clear up soon. That night I went into labour. I gave birth to a baby boy who took his only breath right in front of me. I was histerical! The Dr at the hospital then told me that it was an abortion! 
I argued with him about it, but he assured me that there is no way it was a miscarriage, all the signs pointed to an abortion.
I was devastated and somehow blames myself....for many, many years! I know now that it was never my fault! I didn't kill my baby! 
Many years later Shaun confessed to paying the Dr to perform an abortion without my knowing. 
I stayed with him. I didn't have a choice, I didn't wanne ho back home, so I stayed. 
I started drinking heavily and would get really angry when I'm drunk. I couldn't get over the loss of my child. We would argue a lot and then he told me that he was with his ex girlfriend again ( amongst many others), that's why he didn't want the baby, but he left her again and wanted to start afresh with me.

We moved out of his parents home into our own, I stopped drinking, (he didn't) and not long after that, I found out I was pregnant again. 
Meanwhile whenever he drank, he would come home and beat me. He would accuse me of everything and start a fight, just so he could take his frustration out on me. When I was 8 months pregnant, I finally had enough and left! He send his mother to come find me and she convinced me to go back. 
Again, we moved into a bigger house and everything was wonderful for about a year. He would still go out and drink, but I would always have a friend or my sister over whenever he went out. They acted as a shield. He had a certain image to maintain so he never touched me when they were there, until one evening. He was really drunk and held us at gunpoint for hours!! Even the baby! 
My sister finally convinced him to let us go. 
Now I knew this man was dangerous! Very, very dangerous! 
I didn't know what to do, where to turn or where to go. 
I already had him arrested once, he almost killed me after that. His parents knew, they did nothing. His mother even blamed me for it! 
The years went by and I had two more kids with not much changing except me getting really tired and very unhappy! I wasn't allowed to work and when I did, he demanded all the money! I wasn't allowed any money and whenever I wanted or needed anything he would decide. 
The physical, verbal and emotional abuse got worse as the years went on. 
I started drinking again, if you can't beat them, join them. Also as the years went on, my spiritual insight got stronger and stronger. I would see angels, prophetic dreams, and people that crossed over. I didn't have anyone to talk to about these, since he isolated me from my family and friends! Him and his family would constantly tell me I was possessed and going to hell! 
I decided that I wasn't gonna let them dictate me on this, this is a gift and for some or other reason, God is highlighting it now! 
One evening 4days before my birthday in 2015 , we had a quarrel. He made me sit in a chair and listen to him tell me how worthless I was, for 8 hours straight!! I want aloud to speak or get up to go to the bathroom, I had to sit there and listen to his crap, for 8 long hours, when I finally decided I had enough and gave him a snark remark he grabbed me by my hair and ran into the wall with my head first, he dragged me through the whole house, with my kids there and then attempted to kill me...that was the most horrific night of my life, I had never in my life seen so much blood. He spat in my face, kicked me in the face, kicked my teeth in, my jaw, my cheekbone, it was just horrible.... He made my kids watch ! He told them, that's what u do with a whore! My 13 year old son had to wash my blood off the walls, off the floor, from my face, and I will never forget it for as long as I live. He couldn't stop crying... 
Still I didn't leave...I had nowhere to go, I couldn't just leave my kids with a monster. What if he turned on them? 
4 months later, at the age of 39 I started doing drugs. I guess it was an escape, I wanted so badly to die, I wanted so badly for everything to just be normal, him to just stop with the torturing and drugs was a way for us to get along. He stopped drinking and now only did drugs. 
I stopped drinking too. It went on for about 6 months when I realised that the drugs was making him an even more dangerous person. He became extremely paranoid. We both lost a lot of weight, at my lowest I weighed about 40kg and my kids started asking questions. 
Are we sick? Are we dying? What's going on? 
The abuse was now worse than ever. He spied on me through his phone, he told me that there were listening devises in my make up, in the house, he wanted me to believe I was crazy. Even got his friends to hack me and listen in on every little thing I did. 2016 was a crazy year full of Gaslighting, emotional abuse, physical abuse. He broke my shoulder, carried me by my hair, held me at gunpoint, even tried committing suicide whilst forcing me to watch....with my kids in the next room! It was CRAZY! 
On the evening of the 13th of February, he took a bullet, showed it to me and said " take a good look, you not gonna see it coming, you just gonna feel it" 
That night I ran! I left my kids and with their help, I ran and never looked back. 
He tried to find me, put the police on me and even paid some men to come find me in my hiding place and kill me! 
I was scared....of everything and everyone, but by the grace of God, friends and even strangers! I made it. Some nights I didn't know where I would rest my head or what I would eat, but at least I was safe!I finally, after months, went to my mom's place and shortly after, decided to get clean. 
Without any help, I went cold turkey, bit the bullet and gotten off the drugs. 
On the 26th of August I will be 1 year drug free! 
It took some hard truths! I had to really take a look at my life! I cried for months, couldn't smile for months, struggled to feel any kind of happy feelings for months. I was angry for months, I questioned God, His existence, family, friends, my sanity, for months! I did a whole lot of self analysing.  
My conclusion? 
I am enough! 
I am loved! 
I am healing everyday! 
I am gifted af! 
If it wasn't for God, I would be dead! 
I am here for a reason. 
I have a purpose!
Prayer works!!
God kept me alive, because I am part of His plan! 
I had to go through all that in order to become who I am today! 
Its Ok to lose your mind if it means finding yourself! 

Blessings 

Carmen 

I am truly blessed to have been there in your dark hours...I always said, I chose to do this dance a very, very long time ago, and the reason I believe my soul chose to suffer was so that others don't have to. 
I am so very blessed! God has blessed me with amazing spiritual gifts and abilities. 
I am forever grateful for His presence, grace and love in my life. 
I thank God for you and what you do for giving scared, abandoned little girls a voice! 
Many blessings!