And so it goes

It was about 10 pm Nigerian time when she sent me a text message almost in a panic. Her neighbor had just beaten his girlfriend black and blue. She had heard the beating session but couldn’t take it any longer so she storms out in the middle of the night to intervene and confront the “bad boy” despite the fact many of her older neighbors seemed indifferent and actually discouraged her. She didn’t quite understand how anyone let alone a woman could ignore the shouts for help and her questioning was met with “ko kan wa” (not our business). She ventures out with a deaf ear to the “mind your business” folks. She confronts the “bugger” who pretty much ignores her till she says she was calling the police. He chills and she watches a man become a boy in an instant. “Why beat her?” she asks. “Oh!… she has been entertaining phone calls and sleeping around with other men” he replies. Now calm and appearing sincerely repentant, he thanks her for intervening and she moves on to talk to the badly bruised lady. Apparently, it’s not the first time she’s been his punching bag, we gather. “She’s used to it and does not understand the magnitude of what’s happening to her, that’s my issue” Tiwa sends another text almost an hour later. First off, I’m so proud of my cousin Tiwa. She braved the Lagos night and went out as a lone ranger to the cries of help that she could have very well also ignored. Since she was not getting any help and needed support, she sends me a text thousands of miles away to ask what next. This young lady I’d definitely write about on a later day and as much as she thinks she’s learning from me, she has no idea how much I’ve learnt from her. She inspires me and has brought out the best in me than she can ever imagine. What is Shade’s (not her real name) story? . Why is she subjecting herself to this form of abuse? Why has she resigned herself to this fate without a fight? Well, our “Bros.”, let’s call him Kunle, is responsible for sending her to tailoring school. He’s the sole provider for her entire family who are in a nearby village. Shade is not yet married to Kunle but each time she goes home after a severe beating, her parents send her back with an “O ma mu suru ni” (you are going to have to be patient). Kunle is paying for her siblings school fees, he sends money to support their existence, so he is the big Kahuna, the Messiah of the family and therefore can do no wrong and as he pleases. That’s the message our 23 year-old young adult is getting. Shade on the other hand is promiscuous (unconfirmed). Why not send her packing and on her way? O ti o! (not at all) Kunle loves her too much to let her go. I do not claim to know what possesses a man to hang on to something not working and become lord over another’s life. I’d really like to know but power, control and a broken person comes to mind. No question Kunle has issues for sure and also needs help. However let’s circle back to Shade as she’s the one I’m currently concerned about. Shade wasn’t going to leave him at least not that night and no time soon. She’s been down this road a number of times before. Tiwa had watched her slave during the day washing clothes and probably tending to her mans other needs. “She will remain there till she’s ready or has other options” I text back to Tiwa. “In the meantime, you have done a great thing by intervening and this is what we give her for now,…support”. She cried out and someone answered. Someone cared enough to let her know she mattered. She now has an ear that listens with no judgement. That night miles away with help from Tiwa we share some practical coping strategies. Ones that would hopefully keep her alive till she is ready or able to leave. Most women in abusive relationships already know when the conversation is heading in the direction of a beat down so we advice her to head for the nearest exit, preferably one that leads outside. If she can’t make it outside, head for a room, lock herself in and shout for help. The goal is to stay safe and create a distraction for the moment. Never stay for a beat down, claw your way to escape. This is not because he intends to kill you but because several things can go wrong in a fit of rage. Try to keep your phone close and out of view (in your underwear if need be) and have a precise number to call in the midst of the chaos. A phone number of a person you know without a shadow of doubt will come to your aid no questions, no judgement. Tiwa offers up her number and commits to be in touch with her from time to time. Shade is grateful to her new friend. A remorseful Kunle comes by her side, apologizes and the night is done….and so it goes. That evening I sat and wondered what else could be done and as I analysed it all, I couldn’t quite see the end in sight. Could we come up with money for her training? If we did come up with the money where would she live? How can she possibly afford rent or who can accommodate her for a period of time. Is there a safe house she can go and continue to learn her trade? Is there any help out there for a young girl seemingly trapped in a vicious cycle of poverty and physical abuse simply because her options are limited? I still think of that night and wish there was more I could do and really wonder how many more “Shade’s” are out there. Young, bright and hardworking with a promising future yet dealt a limited hand, one beyond their control. While I do know that domestic violence cuts across a wider spectrum and is not specific to age,status, or any particular group, it does appear the lack of options seems to be a huge factor for staying in an abusive relationship in most stories. It breaks my heart even more that I had little to offer, and so desperately want to help but I hope the next time I am faced with this I have better answers and can offer better support. The hydra-headed complexity of the Nigerian problem is indeed overwhelming and just when you think you can focus on one, a thousand more seem to rear their ugly heads….and so it goes, till we begin to change the narrative one story, one life at a time. I really will like to know what can be done for “Shade”. If you can offer any recommendations or will like to support in any way please contact me for more information. We will appreciate any effort. Together we can hopefully change this story. Thank you! Blog post 12/14/2016 irinajoblog.wordpress.com Featured image by Gbeminiyi Holloway