In the morning the sun rises, clearing the blanket of darkness and bringing the light of new hope among the people. This day’s birds dance and sing a song of freedom in the sky. The river beside my house flows, making a loud sound and encouraging men and women to get ready to go into the field. On one such day, I was sitting at the corner of my house enjoying the beauty and thinking deeply about my life. Suddenly, I heard a voice saying, “What will you do now?” I looked around, but again the voice came, “How will you fulfill your innocent father’s dream?” I shouted, saying, “Who are you?” I realized the voice was coming from my heart. I felt like a bird kept in a cage because I could not follow my mind and I had to obey my parents.
My small village with my family seems like a different world for me. I was not exposed to the outer world. We lived with nature, not with technology. I only knew what my responsibilities were and about my economic problems. My father was a drunkard. He misused all the money he earned. I still remember the days and moments when my drunkard father came home and beat my mother. When I used to see my mother’s rough hands that smelled of roots, her face covered with darkness, my eyes filled with tears.
We were alive just because of my mother. She worked like a machine in the field, ignoring day and night just to feed us. My past was dark; it could never give me joy, instead it took away my present joyful moments. My father was not responsible. I did not want to blame him because it was not his fault. It was the fault of the alcohol which made him drunk. My mother remained alive only for her small lovely and innocent children. She was alone with lots of people. I heard that god treated everyone equally. I wanted to know, why was there a huge gap between people? Why did god give my mother a troublesome life? Would I ever be able to get an answer to this question?
When I felt I was grown up, I made a promise to myself and god that I would struggle and I would give all the happiness to my mother that god had taken away from us. Days and nights passed with economic difficulties and family disputes, but my mother always encouraged not letting ourselves down. We were like an artists and our life was like a film. Everybody around us watched, laughed and some showed sympathy. I was a little innocent child. Nothing was in my hands. We were too small to understand those things. We didn’t know what was going on with us. Despite lots of difficulties life had to go on. We grew up. I completed my schooling from a normal school in the village. I scored good marks. My father loved us very much, as we were his blood, his children. Even though he was responsible for the suffering of my poor mother, I never blamed him for this because it was written in my fate. Thus, it happened. I believe beside every wrong deed there is a reason. My father might have had some reasons behind it. I knew I should not have forgiven him, but what to do? I am his obedient daughter. I do not have a heart of stone. I love him. No matter how he is, he is my father.
Time passed in such a way that I had to leave my house. I had to go to Kathmandu for my higher education. At first I was excited, because I was going to the capital for the first time in my life. I felt everything was new for me there. I was alone despite being surrounded by thousands of people. I passed my time crying like a small baby at the beginning. I also kept in mind the purpose that I came to Kathmandu. I joined college and started studying science on a scholarship. I completed two years. I always tried to do my best in my studies. I wanted to study medicine. I knew my parents could not afford to pay for my higher education. Dark clouds never went away from my life. I wanted to study, but I could not. My father grew older and gave up alcohol and that was the greatest day of my life. My parents were very supportive. They always encouraged me to study, but they were helpless and university was not affordable.
One fine morning, I made a decision that I would talk with my father about my higher education in medicine. My mother had already told me that my father was regretting not fulfilling our desires. I never wanted to give him pressure. I picked another topic and began to talk about my life in the capital. I always failed to say “father! I wanted to become a doctor,” because I already knew that he could not afford to pay my fee. I could read his unspoken words through his unconfident and slow voice.
I always remained obedient with my parents because I always thought about them before making any sorts of decisions in my life. For example, my father took my brother to the capital for his schooling. I also wanted to go and I asked my father but, he denied me. I remained quiet and studied at a normal school in the village. I always followed the path they showed me.
Sometimes I cursed god for giving me such a life, but sometimes I gave thanks for that. Hardship and scarcity always remain as great inspirations in my life. My condition encouraged me to work hard. I never made my parents pay high expenditure for my needs. Instead, I always asked them for education. I never did the work which could humiliate my parents. I never demanded more money for my own use. I struggled very hard not only for me but for my parents. I ignored pain and lied about being strong when I was weak. My dream always comes after my parents. I would never blame my parents for giving me such a hard life. Instead, I always praised them. If I did not have them I would not have got a chance to be a part of this wonderful world.
I never followed my mind. For example few months ago, after completion of my board exam of grade 12, I made a decision to go abroad. One fine morning, I went to my father’s room. I asked, “Father! I wanted to go to a European country for my higher education”. He remained silent for a while. Finally he said, “no my child! Try for scholarship in medicine in our own country”. By considering our economic condition, I made a decision to go abroad. My parents denied. I had to compromise again because I had to follow my parents, not my own mind. Sometimes I felt like going far away from all my people and home because I wanted to go away from sufferings and scarcity. I never did that because my wrong decision would affect my parents. Sometimes I felt I should have left home but my helpless, caring and loving parents never let me do so.
I struggled alone to give shape to my future. My parents were illiterate and there was no role model for me. I became like a fish without water. My dreams always inspired me to go ahead. Immediately, after completion of grade 12, I searched for scholarships at different universities. One day I went to my friend’s room. Why did I go to her room? I do not know but that moment became a turning point of my life. I knew about AUW (Asian University for Women). I applied for it and finally I got selected for it. I could not figure out how was it possible? Was it fate or a gift from god for my struggle? After coming to AUW, my life and my perception to view the world was changed. AUW gave me the chance to learn new things in every single second. I wanted to utilize time and grab opportunities. Here are lots of things to learn and experience.
In closing, when I compared my past and present life, I feel like I am dreaming. I would never forget the dark reality of my life. This taught me a lesson that there is always something to learn. I learned if you struggled hard, then the whole world conspired you to gain that thing. Now I can believe nothing is impossible. It only needs your dedication to make it possible. I feel like I am close to my dream. I don’t know up to which level I will reach, but I would never forget that I was an obedient daughter, I am an obedient daughter and I would always remain an obedient daughter of my parents.