A Stubborn Survivor

I am twice widowed. I am an incest survivor. I am still 30. And I am enduring all that has been debilitating in what every human being called life.

Being a woman has never been easy for me. My childhood landscape expressed of a jagged and desolate space. My innocence was stripped off me. Paternal love and hate became confusing. Trust was elusive. Respect was guilt rather than gained.

I grew wild in my imagination as every inch of my height and every pound of my weight increased. I saw myself stabbing the man who had destroyed me, watched the knife in my hand moving up and down his skin. I never stopped imagining myself pulling and twisting that man's tongue that licked my innocence away. Revenge was a celebration.

I wished I could have done better. I thought I could have chosen better options. Not just to watch the circumstances fade away. But remorse was weaker than the love for a mother who chose to forgive and forget. A mother who saw no wrong of being her husband's wife. To submit oneself, to serve like a servant, to accept humiliation.

I struggled in deep frustration and self-pity. I wallowed in adverse apathy. I wanted to run away and look for a place I would call mine. To reclaim my body and soul. To pick the scattered pieces of my being. But like an anathema, misfortunes stuck in my being. I was deprived not just once, but twice, of a love imbued of pure intentions. To grow old with someone else was a chance that never prevailed.

Some women could hardly comprehend. Others would say it was a curse. One woman said my life is worthy of emulation.

And yes, this is my life. By choice and by nature, I am challenged yet persistent. I could hardly recall getting things my way easily. I must harness wit and intellect to change things and respond to challenges through equilibrium of the heart and mind.

A chronicle of my life would tell me I was naïve and weak. An androgynous mind would think I have allowed things to happen. I would have said I was only a victim of the circumstances. But I am optimistic and triumphant. I must celebrate my life with great enthusiasm. What I am now would tell a lot how I have survived. And my endurance will prevail!