Due to economic instability despite my employment as well as the neverending financial struggle when my Mom was diagnosed with cancer and eventually gave up life last year, I have pawned the two precious things I owned: my DSLR camera and my laptop.I have been keeping a tight grip with them by paying interests and penalties monthly for more than 3 years now but never gave in for auction.
I hold on to them because they boost the stories I wanted to tell. They help me get my message clearer. And I hold on to these material things while I dream to continue what I have already started. That is, to tell more stories of a community where I was born and raised -- in Mindanao.
More than that, they keep memories of my kids, of my passion, of my dreams.
Early this year, I made a manifestation of my desire to have a positive year through a New Year's Resolution. My journey towards fulfilling it has been challenging. Some may no longer happen, some are already happening. But never did it occur to me that this day will eventually occur.
Right now, as I am writing this journal entry, I am about to kiss the death of my hope to redeem what I pawned. Beside me is a notice to redeem the items in 2 days time or the pawnshop will put them in auction. I cringe at the horror of losing them. It is as if I am re-experiencing the lamentations I had when I was about to lose my Mom who was dying on bed last year.
And that thought of holding on to what is left in me becomes intense it made me feel pathetic!
I may have put off the idea of creating stories but I have been hopeful I would redeem them at once before the year ends. But now, I am faced with the trial. To let go or to hold on.
Should I let go of finally putting into picturethe narratives of women from the grassroots community of war and conflict, of submissiveness and complacency, of conservatism and nonchalance, of hope and pessimism? Or should I hold on to tell the tales of the ironies in life. Of people whoboth experience joy and despair at the same time and of the same place?
I understand that my qualms and misgivings are not as important as the tragedies many women and children in war and poverty-stricken areas have gone through. I feel guilty about my desires. But as a storyteller, I am dependent on the gadgets and equipment that will help me magnify the cause of change.
In fact, I skipped meals just to pay penalties. I sacrifice with the hope that greater things will happen soon.
But with the things happening now, I might be dwelling on doing things that will take me a longer time to produce. I might be saving stories in my mind longer and decode them later. I might be capturing moments and save in my own memory.