Stuck

"I wanted so bad to live up to your expectations, but it seems like a force is pulling me back from making sure I get to the end of it."

"I am trying to find ways to juggle life - work balance but the pressure, the stress seems too much that I find myself sometimes stuck, unable to move forward."

"The mind is willing, but my body does not budge to get me moving and doing what I should."

That is me living here in Gaza.

When I thought I am tough enough to endure living in aforeign land and meet new people for almost two decades now, I met my match being here. It's hard to explainbecause, on the outside, I look fine, sometimes I feel fine, and recently felt at homein Gaza I wish to stay longer. (Read here)

Strange how that may sound but that is how I feel, and I am trying to figure out where my problem lies - is it the place? The people? The work? I don't know! I don't want to blame where I am for my feelings in the last six months,nor the people and especially the work for the love of what I do.

I have seen good things here in spite of the history of the country and the recent crisis they endured, and somehow I empathizewith their being unable to move freely out of Gaza. Not that I can't move out from here, being an expat working for an international organization gave me some freedom to shuffle in an out at least every three weeks and be like everybody else. Unlike most people I know and work with they will need permissionfrom Israel to go out for a limited time only, which is not given readily and benefits only very few. In my case, it may not be the same as for most people, but my being closed off from where I live somehow gives me a little understanding of the people's lives in occupation. Not being able to go out and enjoy the sun, sand, and sea across my room can be frustrating. Not being able to walk around town and catch a glimpse of life or experience it does not allow me to live my time here actually. Creativity in my case is boxed online - I see the world like most people here via the social media.

So little out of the ordinary activity is very much appreciated, like yesterday,being the last day of the work week, I was able to enjoy the morning with some of the people we support in the community outside, in the sun, harvesting olives in one of our beneficiaries farm -- that was incredible! When asked by some people how I felt (being the only foreign in the group who obviously had not done olive harvest before) all I said was great. To be out in the sun and not see patients for the most of it for a change, and my colleagues with me are so much fun even if most of the time they speak Arabic.

Now I am back in my apartment, being a Friday nothing much happens here so I am stuck to my computer and live out the day watching movies, catching up with friends online and talking on Skype to my family. That scenario made me somehow understand what most felt day in day out. The frustrations of the young people to be out and enjoying liberties other young people in other parts of the world enjoy. The dreams of parents to give the best to their children - good education, freedom to travel and to choose the life they want to live. Not the current life where everything has to be dependent on what the other person behind the counter say so -- it can be too much.

I think that fuels the hatred, the fear and the tension in an already tensed situation since the 40's basing on their history. The history is written for the Palestinian people by outsiders thinking that lives would be better if foreign people write it for them. And here I am years later, foreign, trying to understand what is incomprehensible because of the kind of work I do. Humanity comes first before politics, and often I am in no liberty to talk about politics (even religion), and I wouldn't dare even if I want to. Instead, I will continue bridging the gap of what the world failed to do for these people and support the best I can when I canuntil it's time to sayhati waqt lahiq (until later).

***

Being stuck may seem bad for the most part of it, but that also gives one perspective of the life we have. To understand that life is not equal in many regions of the world and to experience it in a short time somehow allows me to speak about it. To live it out with these people gives me the profound respect for the resilience of the Palestinians I meet every day be it for work or the little leisure I have here.

My spirits lift when I can pen these feelings and hope those that reads this understands my whim and not take this as drama. Life as an expat may seem appealing for the most of it, but the emotional investment we have is sometimes more than what we can give if we don't have ways to vent it out.

Now I have to get going ... I have pending paper works to accomplish if I want to reach my destination.