Untold Story: The Will to Learn and Survive

Csam
Posted March 27, 2019 from Philippines

The thing I am most afraid of is losing the people who have been part of my life for so many years. Since change is inevitable, I realize that growth means winning an extra level of life. It means survive new-dangled journey and simply move forward.

People also shape you to become what you are now. They were the reason why you become vulnerable or stronger, become rebel or open, and other personalities for no reason would make you?

I am a young adult who have experienced desperate things in life and believe to have survived it. When I was younger, I was hallowed to have two different families. I used to stay with my adopted family most of the time because my parents were too busy to attend to my needs. It was hard to think about this set up and the downside of this, I became aloof to my siblings; we never had this strong bond when I was a little kid. It was sad to hear common stories they have together and I have none to share. I do not have a story to tell how we connect as a family. Whenever we go for walk, people would usually inquire my mom or dad, who am I and I saw how they reacted to know that I was the youngest child along with the maddening lines that hurt my ear each time, more often than not they would say “I thought your youngest one is the beautiful girl named Ola”, while other goes like “She doesn’t look like you!”. Our neighborhood would frequently call me “ampon”, it means adopted child. Who would never think about it, I have tan skin, fat, flat nose and look like a random ranch boy before, I am way uglier than you could ever imagine. These simple gestures from casual people built up the personal insecurities I have felt for several years. I felt quite a lot of arrows just pierced directly into my heart and later on the feeling of sadness consumed my compassion and I became distant and cold.

I promised myself, I will prove my worth to anyone who have caused me pain and treated less than I deserve. This is how public have shaped me in early on. I worked so hard for them to know me, I studied hard and harnessed my talent and I used it to overcome my insecurities and flaws. However, appalling scenario happened that determined my new journey and that I have died quite a lot of times. The instant I was sexually harassed by the person close to me, I was 10 years old back then and I kept it until today, afraid to make dispute inside the kin. I distant myself even more and started to enclose anxiety on a daily basis. Another downfall with which for I thought I could not handle. The thing that happened gave me the will to carry out advocacy, to fight for – women! I promised to bring up to date the infuriating act of abusers! I slowly step out to reach with other advocates and to be the voice of those who can’t and to unfurl the blindfold of those who were blinded by fears. I fought and I survived.

I am tough and I believe that, not until my father died. The memory of him in bed, gazing at me as he grasp for his breath trying so hard to convince me he was not losing the battle, then suddenly, he took his last breath. I was there beside him, shocked and unable to move. The recollections of that moment will forever hunt me and whenever it outruns the pace, a part of me died. The start of a new expedition however begins. I started to walk the part where I know longer get attach to people so no one can hurt and hold me back again.  I swear to be open for new challenges, to win the battle of every step until I realize what purpose I have here in ground. I embarked murky roads, encountered people that later broke me. I experienced how to belittled, embarrassed, misjudged and I struggled from false accusations. On the other hand, I also have traveled to a lighter world where I met people that inspire and guide lost young people like me and at some point I was thankful that suddenly I feel loved.

As a young adult I have traveled from place to place to see the world in a broader perspective. And for the second time around I have to move further than before to finish my education, that was the hardest thing but I did it anyway because I have dreams. The graduation came so fast and the time of life was not generous at all. I moved again a week after the vacation because of work. Yes my first work and I thought I was blessed to finally be able to look at beyond horizon and test how I will able to be on my own now.

I work after work and met temporary people. I have been experiencing cultures that were quite diverse every year. I have to move back and port, every so often lost but eventually find the way back and I think “Can I still survive the next thing that might happen tomorrow?”

Up until now, I am moving forward, but this time, moving strong and bold that perceives the world in a more optimistic way. It means I will always think of opportunities to every situation I am in, for as long as I’m prepared to take risk and ready for failure, I can make great things and as I continue to learn more about life, this will not be the end of the great story I will survive.

 

This story was submitted in response to Change Starts With a Story.

Comments 19

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Hello, dear,

I am so proud of you for finding that bravery to share your untold story. You are in a right community because no one will judge you here.

You have a gift of writing. Use it as a powerful tool to change the narratives of your story and even become an instrument to inspire change to other women’s narratives as well.

You are beautiful just as you are. I haven’t really noticed if you have dark skin. You are not fat at all either. Please don’t be too hard on yourself. But even if you have a dark skin and a heavier weight, that does not make you less beautiful at all.

Welcome to World Pulse! I’m looking forward to reading your stories. :)

Csam
Mar 28
Mar 28

Thank you ate Karen, you encouraged me to be open and that really helped me to have the courage to share my life. Thank you if you think I am beautiful in my own simple way. Please continue to inspire other people.

Jill Langhus
Mar 28
Mar 28

Hi Csam,

Welcome to World Pulse:-) Thanks so much for sharing your personal journey with us. I'm sorry that you've had so much sadness in your life so far, but I'm glad that you finally opened up about your harassment. Please don't feel that you need to prove yourself to anyone, or that you're less than anyone. You are you. The only person you need to prove yourself, or be happy with, is yourself, dear. No one else. And, I don't see you "surviving." I see you thriving:-)

I'm looking forward to hearing more about what your advocacy work.

Hope you're having a good day.

Csam
Mar 28
Mar 28

Hi Ms. jlanghus, It was indeed a relief that finally someone who doesn't know me at all came to remind me that I am who I am and that I don't need to prove myself to anyone because I can become happy and proud. Perhaps, I have this mindset because I am too afraid to be judged over and over again. Thank you very much.

Jill Langhus
Mar 29
Mar 29

I'm sure. It's most definitely a defense mechanism, but it would be a shame if you constantly felt like you had to be on the defensive. Not only is it stressful, but people don't get to know the real you, either. Please know you are safe here, dear, if you would like to open up more. You're very welcome, too.

I hope you're having a good day!

Csam
Mar 31
Mar 31

I am starting to change this thinking. I'll be more open. thank you Ms. jlanghus for this.

Jill Langhus
Apr 01
Apr 01

Oh, great to hear:-) Yay! You're very welcome!

Hope you have a great week!

ARREY- ECHI
Mar 30
Mar 30

Dear CSam,
Welcome to the pulse. Thank you for the strength to tell your story. You are a remarkable and strong person. It takes extraordinary strength to keep your head high up and onward, in the face of so many heart wrenching challenges.

Keep on keeping on. Wish you the best as you press forward.

Hugs and love

Csam
Mar 31
Mar 31

Hi Ms. Arrey -Echi.
Thank you for seeing me as remarkable and strong person. I may not be that strong but the strength, you believe I have will be my foundation to carry on. I will keep that in mind.

Thank you very much!

Tumanjong Miranda
Mar 30
Mar 30

Dear sister, you are welcome to World Pulse. Thanks for sharing your untold story. It's saddening society fed you with a lot which gave you bitter experiences. Above all, I'm happy you didn't let all these break you. Yoh took the courage and made a strong woman out of all that happened. You are with a community of people who love you and are ready to listen to you at all times and share your pain with you. Please never feel alone or abandoned. You can find a family in WP, because here we are all sister.
I wish you all the best in you career.
Hope you're doing ok today:-)

Csam
Mar 31
Mar 31

Hi Ms. Tumanjong Miranda. When I am writing this, I have realized that sometimes in life, I think it's a win or lose, but the truth is, I always win because the people who stay with me, are the same people that push me to go forward. I may have bitter experiences, but as you said I did not let these break me because I think that there are still people like you to whom I can share the pain and challenges I have. People like you that would tap and remind me that I am not alone or abandoned. Thank you so much.

Anita Kiddu Muhanguzi

Dear Csam,
You are most welcome to world pulse. Thank you for taking the bold step to share your story. Here you have a new family that loves you just the way you are. You are beautiful and very intelligent. Dont let anyone ever tell you otherwise. Keep shining your light very bright.
Be blessed my dear and looking forward to many more of your stories.

Csam
Mar 31
Mar 31

Hi Ms. Anita Kiddu Muhanguzi,
I thank you for assuring me that I have a new family that would appreciate me and love me just the way I am. Thank you very much.

Z.Elias
Apr 04
Apr 04

Hello Csam,
Nice to hear that you are telling your story bravely as a Woman despite the things you have been through earlier in your life, you bring so much hope to world pulse community,
it’s so important to travel around the world to discover others cultures, to introduce yours, it’s also a great therapy to your mental health.
Keep it up!

Welcome to world pulse!

Csam
Apr 04
Apr 04

Hi Ms. Z. Elias,
Thank you for your appreciation. You know what, I once thought that I was mentally depressed by the people around me. That I have thought to build my wall and no longer allow certain people to go inside. I have restrained myself from discovering pretty amazing cultures in this world. But these were exactly changed my perspective. And perhaps, to know and learn about other cultures make you go lighter and absorb good vibes.

Lisbeth
Apr 07
Apr 07

hi dear,
You are most welcome to WP and congrats on your first story if i guess right :-).

You are an amazing story teller actually, and i will look forward to reading more of your stories. My only problem is i might read it on the late hours, meaning it might take a while sometimes.

i just need to highlight that there is always something special in any of us. sometime is physical, other time spiritual. We just have to appreciate who we are, thank our creator for designing us special and not question him.

You have embrassed this your speciality and that alone is amazing. Hope you are having a great day!

Csam
Apr 09
Apr 09

Hello Sis Salifu,
Thank you for your warmth welcome. Everyday I thank God for keeping in the right path and guiding not to be consumed by hatred and insecurities.

Im lucky to have someone like you to remind me to be thankful for what I have everyday.

Tamarack Verrall
Apr 11
Apr 11

Dear CSAM,
By telling us so openly about your life and all of the hurdles you have had in front of you, and how with every single one you found the way to leap over, you are such an inspiration. I celebrate you and your ability to not only survive, but to grow in yourself such a beautiful determination to create change that can benefit everyone lucky enough to meet you. A big welcome to World Pulse where you will find many others on the same path.
In sisterhood,
Tam

Csam
Apr 11
Apr 11

Hi Ms. Tim, Thank you very much for your warm welcome. I have put a lot of reasoning just to write and share the story I thought matters and to know that this actually can be an inspiration for others, I have felt no regrets but gladness.
Thank you for reassuring me this one.