The Memory of Her is the Reason of What I have Become.

Csam
Posted November 25, 2019 from Philippines
The Memory of Her is the Reason of What I have Become.

I was wondering the moment I opened my eyes and in search for something. I set my blurry eyes across the window pane where the vivid reflection of the sky was coming through. It was mid – afternoon. I was about to close my eyes and lay down when I heard a roaring cry of someone. I tremendously opened my eyes and jumped out of the bed. But the cry was gone. I asked who it was but noone came answering. I sat beside my study table and reached the book placed in it. I gently skimmed the page where a piece of phrase left me engrossed. “To change course” but it makes no sense right; I placed it back when a voice came to my senses. It was a familiar voice that I’ve heard long way ago but I don’t remember where and when exactly it was, but I believed I knew it all back then. I followed the voice hoping I could prove what I was saying. From my room it led me to the staircase, and right straight to the kitchen sink. From the door where I am standing, I heard the plate breaking, tampering of silver spoon and fork and of other kitchen gears. I knew it was an uproar fighting. I heard an innocent baby cry and with it a ferocious voice of a guy. It was a sobbing then, like a sob of bitterness and hate.

The voice is fading until it was gone. My heart seemed to stop for a little while “Kadi!”(come!) it was a command of a voice from nowhere brought back my senses. I swayed my head and look for it again. I waited down the living area, hoping someone might see me. But for no reason, I started to feel pain and a tear formed in my eyes. I overheard an extremely tired voice of a girl, but I see nothing. I wiped out my tears and managed to stand with all my limited strength and headed towards the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror in front of me after I had cleansed my face; checking the luggage brought by my cry, I pinched it and clutched my tousled hair. Thirty minutes had passed that I stayed in that position. I heard the exhausted voice again. I ran and sought the little child’s voice. I took a deep breath and footed to the stairway when I shuddered by the loud ring of the office phone. I jumped out the chair with sweats all over my body, eyes shaking and my heart beats faster as if I’m about to lose it. I am dreaming. I realized it was a dream of once reality. It was a friend who left and changed me. The dream that I have witnessed long time ago was torturing me for we weren’t able to fight and for allowing ourselves to be weak.

I survive because of all the lies I managed to carry into my life. I’m always thinking to be normal and as if nothing the world has done to me. It’s coming again. The flashback of a friend heartlessly raped by her own grandfather. I remembered as I sneaked inside their house to play, and suddenly unable to move out of fright. I was eight that time. What else can I do? I watched as she was kicking, fighting and sobbing the hatred she felt, the pain she has endured and think of me as the mark of the tragedy she had. I felt sorry, untrustworthy and weak little brat for I wasn’t able to either help or say something about the incident. We did not say anything at all. We thought we did the right thing, and it made her changed. Everything about our friendship changed. I despised him not only because he’s free but gone without taking any resentment because he liked what had happened.

The truth is, the dream, that memory I have about her is the guilt hunting me down. But instead of letting it consume me, I made it the reason to take away the blindfold affixed on my eyes for quite a few years and allow me to see what I should fight for. When I was 17 years old, taking my first college year as a Sociology student, I came to meet two prominent people leading my way to fight and stand for women and children. And with the opportunity at my hand, I thrive to become an advocate of Anti Violence Against Women and Children and still uphold that advocacy until today. I even kept my college campaign shirt and have it as my story cover to remind me that my voice is a powerful tool to empower, stand, and make a change for a better future.

No one deserves any kind of violence so will I continue to stand for them.

This story was submitted in response to #IStandWithHer.

Comments 34

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Jill Langhus
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Hi Crisam,

Thanks for sharing your traumatic dream and story:-( What a horrible thing to encounter. Your poor friend. Did she ever overcome it? Are you still friends with her? I'm eager to hear what your goals and dreams are. Please share:-)

XX

Csam
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

We never spoke again after the incident, Her family moved back to his father's province in Mindanao a year after. I tried to reach her on social media to mend our past and make it all work again. I did actually message her using the messenger app, about two and a half years ago. I have failed.

I wanted to become a training coach or a life coach. I wanted to provide knowledge and inspire young people to do good things and be responsible for every action they make. I love the feelings when I make a positive impact to someone else's life.

Jill Langhus
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Oh, dear:( I hope she has overcome it. Poor thing.

That's too bad. I'm sorry to hear it.

Oh. Okay. Great! Is that the training you've done? Yes, I can appreciate that. It's how I feel when I've touched someone on World Pulse.

Please keep us posted on your progress. I'm looking forward to hearing more about it.

Csam
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Yes Ms. Jill, that's my dream and that is what I am doing. I always look for opportunities to enhance my capabilities, to stretch my skills and to be surround of great influence and with a motivating environment. Hopefully, I can become what I wanted to be. It's not that simple but I am eager to make it one day.

Jill Langhus
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Hello again,

Do you go by Csam or do you have another name, dear? I just want to make sure I'm addressing you appropriately:-)

Great attitude and drive. You will if that's your intention and purpose. I have no doubt!

What sort of opportunities are you looking for?

Csam
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

That is just my pen name ma'am. Crisam would be great.

I would like to attend in mentorship program, life training or seminar and fellowship.

Jill Langhus
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Great! Crisam, it is!! Thank you!!

It felt odd to call you "Csam:-)"

Have you checked out the World Pulse "Resources" pages? There are quite often opportunities on there. A whole bunch were added recently:
https://www.worldpulse.com/my-pulse/resources

Please keep us posted, an hope you have a great, rest of the week!

Csam
Nov 28, 2019
Nov 28, 2019

Thank you Ms. Jill. I will check on this one. Thank you so much.

Dorothy Nabakooza
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

What a horror story it was. I'm so sorry to hear this and the fact that u had to re live that day. Glad you went through it strongly as you did. You give hope to other people out there faced with guilt. Stay strong sis. #IStandWithHer

Csam
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Thank you sis. It's a long process but hopefully, every victim and eyewitness out there will be in peace one day.

Jill Langhus
Nov 29, 2019
Nov 29, 2019

You're welcome:-) Jensine is also working on a compilation of resources that will be helpful to you, too, so keep an eye out for that as well:-)

Csam
Nov 29, 2019
Nov 29, 2019

Wow! Thank you Ms. Jill.

Jill Langhus
Nov 30, 2019
Nov 30, 2019

You're very welcome:-)

Karen Quiñones-Axalan
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Hello, Cris,

Please know that it was not your fault; it's not even your friend's fault. Let the guilt be upon the perpetrator himself. You were so young then. Nobody taught you how to respond to it. As Filipinas, we are taught to respect elders. I hope you have already forgiven yourself.

It's so noble of you to choose to be active in Anti-Violence Against Women and Children. I'm glad you made a decision to stand with women. I love your statement shirt. by the way.

I'm so glad you are writing again. I hope you will continue to do so. Your voice is your power, and those who are voiceless need you to speak for them until they've found their chance.

Thanks for participating in this campaign. I'm so proud of you, dear!

Csam
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Thank you po ate Karen. To be honest, it's frustrating, everytime the scene slipped in my dreams or even when I am awake and suddenly reminded by what happened, feels like betrayal, really.
But thank you for reminding me it was not my fault. It meant a great deal to me. Sometimes, it feels like I am only active on this engagement out guilt. But you assured me tonight. I hope everything will be fine soon. Thank you very much po.

Karen Quiñones-Axalan
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

You're welcome, dear. I understand I'd feel the same way, too. I hope you learn to process that guilt, dear because you did nothing wrong. Please forgive the little Crisam.

Yes, I'm glad you feel that. I pray that all will be completely well with you. So proud of you. Please continue writing!

Csam
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Thank you po ate karen.

maeann
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Hi Cris,

I stand with you, and I agree! No one deserves any kind of violence!

I stand with you. #IStandWithHer

Csam
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Thank you Ms. Maeann.

Paulina Nayra
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Oh mine Cris. I had goosebumps with your story. I hope you have recovered from that traumatic memory. It's not your fault. Neither your friend's. Good that you were able to channel that bad experience by getting involved in anti-VAWC campaign and women's issues. Let's weave our efforts to prevent violence against women and children. We'll let them know that we are here, standing by them. Come with us on Friday. To San Isidro!

Write more Cris. Am so proud of you my WEAVERS sister.

Huggs.

Csam
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Thank you po ma'am pau. I am forever grateful to be part of WEAVERS and to do what we think is good to those who seek help, encouragement and future.

Spiritedsoul
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Hi, hugs, thank you for sharing the trauma of your dream, and experience of your friend. Are you still friends with her now? And did you manage to overcome it?
Hugs again,
Jess.

Spiritedsoul
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Hi,
Thank you for sharing your traumatic dream and experience with your friend. Karen is right, it was not your fault. I am sorry to hear that you are not in contact with her, but hope she’s okay.
Hugs,
Jess.

Csam
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

I am hoping also that with all the years we have encountered she already forgot the tragedy.

KATEMIRI
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Hi Csam, thank you for sharing this story, i hope you friend overcome the trauma

Csam
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

I am also hoping Ms. Kate. Thank you very much.

Ekitah
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Hello Csam!
Thank God you removed what was at the back of your mind that didn't allow you to see other important things ahead of you. You are great. Continue to be courageous.

Csam
Nov 28, 2019
Nov 28, 2019

I am grateful to God also Ms. Ekitah for He has poured great people in my life and they are all helping me to get through pains and struggles.

Tarke Edith
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Hi Crisma
Thank for sharing your dramatic dream with us.
How is your relationship with your friend now dear .
Have a nice day dear

Csam
Nov 28, 2019
Nov 28, 2019

Hi Ms. Tarke Edith, we no longer have communication, and we parted ways long time ago.

Zohra Elias
Nov 30, 2019
Nov 30, 2019

Hello,
It is truly a dramatic story, thank you for sharing your commitment with us,
You a have all my support dear
#Istandwithher

Csam
Nov 30, 2019
Nov 30, 2019

Thank you Ms Zohra Elias.

Chinyere Kalu
Jan 12
Jan 12

Thanks Csam! Truly, no one deserves any kind of violence. Kudos!

Csam
Jan 13
Jan 13

Hi Ms. Chinyere Kalu. Thank you for reading this.