As we step into this unknown territory of getting to know someone new in our life, we love the excitement, we enjoy each other’s company, we open ourselves to that person and we want to know the more about that person. We love the newness!
But as we gradually begin to understand the person, we begin to realize their unsaid patterns, we notice the divergence between their words and actions. But somewhere we make ourselves believe in their words so much that we begin to live in an illusion. Each time their actions fail, we feel broken, but we still give ourselves the hope that someday things will be as they say. But eventually our hopes are shattered, because we start seeing their truth in their patterns and behavior and not in their words. Many of us have gone through this, where mere hollow words became the basis of our relationship. Each time we questioned them, in their defense they would simply threaten us to end the relationship if we don’t so called trust them, and unfortunately by then we are so attached to that person that we have the fear and insecurity of loosing them. But, little do we realize that they do not fear loosing us, cause they never loved us the way we did. For them the relationship was one sided only based on their convenience in order to suit their demands and needs. This kind of a relationship is draining cause each time we take the effort to open ourselves to letting the other person in, as we are battling our own insecurities, we end up getting nothing in turn except for misleading statements, false assurances and lies. At times we are also being made to feel that the reason for such behavior is completely our fault, it's very easy to manipulate another person and play the victim card, but that is not love, that is selfishness, coupled with their narcissistic behavior which is beyond your control .
We often come across someone who at first appears to be very promising, but once we get to know them better we realize that there is lot we don’t know about the person and we know them only superficially. At that time, we begin to peel off our layers in a hope that they will do the same, but all they do is be evasive at first but later either leave us or disappear on us. It is not your fault if they disappear or leave you, don’t have self-doubt or be hard on yourself. You were strong enough to be vulnerable and open, its them who are too shallow to go any deeper and explore the possibility of letting someone in.
When we see the signs, we should learn to consciously take a step back, even if it is the most difficult thing to do at that point in time. It is not because we need to teach a lesson to our so called “partner” but it is because we need to know our own self worth!
I believe relationships cannot be based on fear and insecurity of loosing the other person. Each partner needs to be complete as a person and compliment the other, rather than finding someone to complete themselves. A relationship should be based on the principle of equals. Equals in terms of holding each other, growing with each other and also growing together in the relationship, and with this cohesive effort you begin to feel home with one another. If you are in a relationship of equals you both will be able to hold on to each other and face all the challenges in life together as a team. It is easy to say you love a person but you have to be ready holistically in mind, body and spirit to “love” them too!, they are two different things we often get confused with as one is the word “to love” and other is the action “of loving”, if you learn that then it is a beautiful feeling to grow in love. When equals indulge in a connection, its like magic. It’s alchemy!
At times you will come across someone who will be willing to hold on to you, who will accept your flaws and who will be patient with you, who can be an equal to you, but at that point it is you who needs to hold on and not be the toxic person in the relationship because of your past experiences. We are often so hurt because of our past that we make the biggest mistake of doing exactly what the other person did to us with our present partner. We let ourselves be so guarded and shielded that even when we meet a person willing to hold on to us, we let that person go off because we don’t want to get hurt anymore. But that’s not right cause, in the bargain we are loosing out on the hope we had of meeting our equal.
We get so involved in the pain that we suffered that we forget that we still have the power to leave the past behind and have hope and faith that we will find our equal. No matter how scared or shattered we are, lets rebuild ourselves so that even we can be equal to our partner.
We are all tired, but don’t loose hope, cause someday you will find someone who is willing to invest in you, learn from you, teach you, see you win, will never drain you, support your vision, and that one person might change your life and you will then realize why it never worked out with anyone else!