Why some women prefer dying to ending an abusive relationship

efe
Posted November 21, 2019 from Nigeria
Panelist at a gender based workshop for female entreprenueurs in March 2019
Giving an insight on the topic 'The Lady, Her Business'

Some years ago, I read a magazine interview in which the initiator of an NGO that focuses on helping women with breast cancer talked about how a few women despite knowing the dangers of delaying treatment refused help.  A follow up question by the reporter revealed that the women chose that option because their spouses would not accept their post- mastectomy body structure.

It may appear like an extreme situation but over the years in my interaction with quite a number of females, I have come to realize that some would do anything, absolutely anything to remain in a relationship or marriage and as a result of trying so hard not to rock the boat such individuals are more likely to end up as victims of domestic violence.

  The immediate causes of violence in romantic relationships can usually be identified but the remote causes are usually more complicated to decipher as both parties who stay in such relationships have deep psychological scars. Scars that could come from conditioning by the society, unhealthy sexual desires, upbringing etc. I know females who are in abusive relationships because they don’t feel good enough.  I know married males who are abusive with their girlfriends because they don’t know how to control their sexual desires and have the need to ‘punish’ the woman for making them cheat or for having another boyfriend.

As a Behaviour professional, my way of standing with victims is to use my skills to go beyond the surface to get to the root of the problem through trying to decipher how triggers can lead to specific behaviours. Such knowledge will enable victims and even perpetrators break away from such physically and/or emotionally abusive cycles.

However, like I inferred as a guest in a live radio interview that aired to provide more awareness for the sixteen days activism against gender based violence, one doesn’t have to wait till they are in an abusive relationship to understand their patterns, tendencies etc. as most people in such relationships never expected to be in one till the situation stared them in the face.

 Prevention they say is better than cure.   

  

This story was submitted in response to #IStandWithHer.

Comments 13

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Lisbeth
Nov 21
Nov 21

Dear Efe,
Congratulations on your radio program. It's good you came on air to raise awareness on the GBV.

This is a typical Africa woman attitude. I think is more cultural upbringing. Where the woman is expected to be very submissive (don't have a say)
Thanks for sharing.
Regards

efe
Nov 21
Nov 21

you are right. There is a lot of work to be done in Africa to help women define their lives first as individuals who can be happy on their own before going ahead to decide if they want to be in a relationship/marriage or not

Lisbeth
Nov 21
Nov 21

Greetings :-) and take care.

Hello, sister Efe,

Your observation is right when it comes to women and health care. You are a great writer! Please keep us posted with your activities in Queen Sheba. . Have a great day, sizzum!

efe
Nov 21
Nov 21

Thanks I will

You're welcome, dear. Have a great weekend!

otahelp
Nov 21
Nov 21

Efe you are very right on this matter. What drives these partners and spouses are deeper than we can really understand. Most times they themselves cannot really explain why they remain in such relationships. Thank you for sharing. Keep up the good work

efe
Nov 21
Nov 21

Thanks dearie

Ekitah
Nov 22
Nov 22

Hello Efe!
This is inspiring and very educative. Thanks for sharing on this platform form.

efe
Nov 23
Nov 23

thank you for reading the piece

Jill Langhus
Nov 22
Nov 22

Hi Efe,

Thanks for sharing your somewhat shocking and important message. I hope this is a wake up call for some women that they shouldn't stay in relationships that are abusive. I know in a lot of cases this isn't as easy as it sounds, but how horrible that women feel that they have to go to such extremes to cover up major life challenges, such as breast cancer, just because they're worried they may be abused.

And, yes prevention is always easier than the cure. Thanks for the reminder.

efe
Nov 23
Nov 23

thank you for reading the story

Jill Langhus
Nov 25
Nov 25

You're welcome, dear:-)

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