First Time Since Forever

For the first time since forever, I let him know that I was triggered by an action he took, and I wasn't flooded with regret for "stirring the pot", as soon as the words fell out of my mouth. The risk of his withdraw not enough to temper words that refused to be silent.

For the first time since forever, I didn't even try to contain my expression of pain, or make it fit within his parameter of appropriateness. Not even when he panned around, worried that others might notice my inappropriate expression. More concerned with what they might think of him, than what I was experiencing of him.

For the first time since forever, I didn't let his eye rolling response confirm for me that I was in fact, overreacting.

For the first time since forever, I claimed the physical and emotional space that I felt I needed. Telling the reminders to stay small, to fuck the fuck off.

For the first time since forever, I stood in support of and in solidarity with my self, without apology. Recognizing the patronizing patriarchy staring back at me, for what it was.

For the first time since forever, his discomfort with emotional vulnerability, didn't shut mine down. Even as he went in search of a place more grounded in avoidance.

For the first time since forever, I let my heart hurt beyond words. Sad beyond sad that I had had to experience him this way, but never prouder of myself for having risked it.