Dark Night of Winter
May 28, 2019
Story
In this place, there are growing pains, labor pains, birthing pains. When they threaten to overwhelm me, I remember that what these pains want more than anything, is simply to be received. Held in their intensity. And soothed.
I will not pretend that all is well. That I am not tired, utterly exhausted, grieving. There is so much life to process, and I am being held accountable to and by my self, for neglecting this work for so, so long. It is an eerie experience to offer up your place in your body to your child self so that they may release their pains, and finally find some relief from them.
I am learning that in my quest for healing, I failed to make a stop in the land of integration. Assuming that one could go from wounded to healed, bypassing that most painful process; integration of pain. I have been trying to think my way to healing, rather than feel myself into healing. Terrified at the thought of integrating all the shunned, rejected, stigmatized, and fractured particles of my experience. Lost in the dark night of the soul, wandering aimlessly. Partly due of the social norms around emotional expression imposed upon me, partly due to my inability to disregard them. I take responsibility for what is mine to take responsibility for. Let it be known that from here forward, I have no regard for the socially enforced rules that dictate what and how I am supposed to feel, or the expression of these feelings. These rules were set by patriarchal white men, to benefit patriarchal white men. I am committed to smashing patriarchy, not holding myself subject to it.
So I will embrace my winter. My dark night. Because what other choice is there, really, for those who ache to bloom come spring. So I will hold that darkness. And I will let it hold me. And in that place, I will recognize the beauty that nourishes me there. Those friends who love enough to bear witness to my process, offer support, and share their stories with me. These women, all working in service of the divine mother's loving presence, thank you. May we be blessed.
"MAY ALL MOTHERS KNOW THAT THEY ARE LOVED AND MAY ALL SISTERS KNOW THAT THEY ARE STRONG AND MAY ALL DAUGHTERS KNOW THAT THEY ARE WORTHY / BEAUTIFUL / POWERFUL THAT THE CIRCE OF WOMEN MAY LIVE ON THAT THE FIRE OF THE GODDESS MAY BURN ON ! WEHAHEYAWEHAHEYAWEHAHEWEHAHEYA"
