LA VIE EN ROSE.

LA VIE EN ROSE.

Life is full of wants but what do you want?

This may or may not be the best article in the world but it is my best or not piece of art, I consider the ability to read, digest and put thoughts to paper an art (that’s my personal viewpoint)

Today I woke up early and first thing on my mind was I need to check the phone I left charging overnight, as I unplugged it and switch it on, it didn’t turn ON it was dead or in a coma (I thought. the thought of it being dead and not fixable gave me a panic attack) and I went into panic thinking “how could I live without my smartphone” and I thought there’s so much material in that phone I didn’t back up, a tragedy it was, early in the morning.

Life is full of wants but what do I want? is a question I have been pondering all my life either trying to find answers to it or there are moments when I was sure I found the right answer to it.

I was born in a big family and being the youngest I have always envied my older siblings as they  depart from the nest to go live independently, I yearned for that independency, that freedom to live as I wish, make my own decisions without anyone’s interjection or prejudices, I craved that when I was young. As a child I used to love to just lie down on grass and look up at the sky and just imagine and visualize different shapes from clouds. It used to be fun until it wasn’t funny anymore because I couldn’t make out the shapes anymore, my imagination became blunt I guess!, there was another thing which I  always wanted, craved and still desire to do so, that is travelling, I had that wanderlust: I would space out and my mind would take me to places I wish to go and as I traveled through my mind I would find that tranquility, that peace in my soul that was absent but then that wasn’t enough as a little girl I developed a love for time travelling movies, my first to watch was the time traveler’s wife. I discovered reading and it was fun because I could lose myself in a book and travel to places I have never been and will never be, I found out I had that ability to read and virtualize the story into reality known as aphantasia, related to some phantasm: something which is not real but exist in thoughts, imaginations or hallucinations (like seeing a ghost, it there but it is not there). So that was me I got immersed into this world of plots and twist and characters but that never really filled that dent in my soul, it never got rid of the wanderlust but it numbed the excruciating pains of sickle cell crises. So I decided it was time for me to take things into next level, I wanted to travel for real not virtually or anything else, I wanted to experience that real life adventure.

By the time I was 9 we moved from our previous home to a new one my parents built, our new home was built on top of a hill, we lived in the highland side of our new town. So me and my brother loved to stay outdoor during evening time to hours after dinner, we both loved to stargazing and naming different group of stars and like games and when we look far beyond the horizon we could see small ranges of hills running miles and miles, so one day I convinced my brother to go on this adventure after watching the race to witch mountain movie, I convinced him that we should backpack and go to one of the hills, he did not agree right away, it took him a week to say Yes and when he finally did we backpacked and went to chasing this mountain, we left home after lunch, I thought it was easy we just need to focus on that hill before our peripherals and keep walking on following that direction, we did but halfway I found myself sweating, drained of energy and strength, I felt dizzy, I could hear my heart beats strongly in my ears, I perspired like a gallon of water was poured over me; my brother was worried and I could see he was regretting ever agreeing to my rat race as he was required to piggyback me, he never complained but I could feel the anger in his tall frame as he struggled to balance my weight on him (he carried me halfway), I urged him to cut short our little adventure as there was no way we would reach those hills because as we walked the hills moved too, farer and farer from us; by sunset we reached one of the little hills and to my disappointment, it was nothing like the evergreen hills I saw from afar when I gaze from our home, to my dismay the hill was just shrubs, cactus and acacia trees and in that moment I spotted a deer, the deer soothed my disappointed little self, I said to my brother who was equally tired and disappointed, “well at least we got to see a deer in real life.” We had no camera to take the now beautiful dandelions flowers or the shrub bushes and the cute doe eyes deer but that moment was planted in my heart as by evening we opened the gate to our home back from our little adventure torn and weary but happy that we went and saw and our little curiosities were somehow satisfied and that dent in me somehow filled and that night I suffered another sickle cell crises from the long walk I did and my brother was there beside me when my mother scolded us for being so reckless and foolishly chasing mountains but I never regretted making that attempt for the beautiful memories stays with me forever every time I close my eyes and recall me and my brother walking side by side with our little backpacks.

But that was not it, I was an adventurous Kid, I had a thirsty for trying new things, experiencing new experiences and going to places have never been: I desired, craved, yearned for new anything in my life from little life experiences to literature I explored it all as much as it was made available to me and what is a sickle cell crises to a curious mind? It’s nothing! That is what it was to me and it wasn’t the end for me I joined our church young adult community in my early teens. From 11 to 16 I was a pathfinder( it is equally to being a scout or a girl guide in the Seventh Day Adventist world) these were my adventurous years, I loved the small group gatherings of boys and girls, the mischiefs, breaking rules and being punished for doing what we must not, I loved camping more, games which were played there, I was not the best sportsperson but I was the best cheerleader, there were many down moments like when I was positioned center in my netball team but I passed out because I couldn’t keep up with the speed of the game and I run out of breath by end of first half I fainted or when I was in marathon and didn’t make it to finish line and my mates almost beat me for losing a game or when I missed a penalty in girls football and thus our opponents won or when I was goalkeeping but I evade the ball because I was too afraid to be kicked by it so after all these attempts to find me a place in our pathfinder team failed the master guide( our church Sunday sports teacher) placed me as the aide: my job was to supply the team players with waters and glucose and sometimes biscuits ( the biscuits I ate most of the time) I found my niche finally, I was the reserve who never played and I was the best first aid person they had, I knew how to clean and sterilize a wound like an ER nurse.

These were the funny adventurous years: catching frogs, keeping toads in a jar, catching grasshoppers and fireflies; We swam in the river( they did, I just sat on the riverbanks knees deep in water) and when the sun was high or sometimes low we climbed mangoes trees alongside the river and ate some mangoes, there were times when we played hide and seek in the vast coffee plantation and found that high on being chased by the owners’ German shepherds because we were the kids who trespassed and ruined his coffee plants ( we would pick some coffee beans at times) and what about those times when we would not walk home right after our pathfinders classes ended but rather find ourselves walking the long road home in the midst of a wheat plantation. All this time I wore a happy mask nobody knew of the storm that was inside of me, of the pains I suffered in the midst of the nights, after my crises have passed I would wake up, dress up and go as if I wasn’t howling, tossing and turning from teeth gnashing pain the other night. I carried the Sickle cell badge with a brave heart for it was my disease, my burden and not theirs, to me they were immune, Titans who never suffer from even a mere headache.

I remember days when I didn’t care about getting my hair wet by dancing freely in the rain or sliding down a dust mound or not caring about being pushed down a gravel mound could ruin my skirt or gown, the days when we ran free, stole fruits in market stalls or running alongside a cargo train (when we used to live near a railway track) or chasing the wind freely, blowing dried dandelions or being pulled back high on a swing and giving those shrieks of both fear and euphoria as they let go and the swing taking you higher and higher to the clear blue sky; in those moments my cells became round, complete and sickle cell was invisible, non-existent, an afterthought.

There were days when I didn’t worry about packing a lunch box or eating in a fancy restaurant, we would just buy fried goodies from street hawkers, some fried cassava, potato chips, chopsticks or drink direct from the tap and never worry about typhoid.

There were days when I was oblivious to mirrors or they were just a place to make funny faces on, me and my friends as we walk to or from school, we would pace the high glass skyscrapers and dance in front of those tinted mirrors or make a boo-yah! Funny Face and just laugh out loud on our way home but these days mirrors have become a place where I ask, “who’s fairest of them all” or where I double check and worry whether the yellow in my eyes is deep or fading.

My first time watching a fairytale movie, it was Cinderella staring Brandy and I was both happy and a bit confused because the princess in the cartoon version had a white complexion but then I was happy because even black girls can be princesses but then I watched the princess and the frog and I learned if you kiss the wrong princess you turn into a frog and so I fell in love with knights in shining armors who save girls locked in high towers and I dreamt I was a sleeping beauty and of a prince who will kiss me awake also I envied snow white for she cheated on death with just a kiss from a prince; I grew up into my late teens wishing for that prince who will kiss me to life or who will give me a glass shoe and make me his queen, I wished for a fairy godmother who instead of a fancy dress and a pumpkin for a golden carriage will prove biology wrong and make my crescent shaped cells round. But then those where just two hours of screenplay compared to my lifetime of love letters, sneaking in phones and stealing kisses, that was high school. University was a whole other level there were fairytales worthy moments but there were never a happily ever after and many princes turn into frogs after midnight.

I left that fairytales fallacy to Disney at least they greatly managed that franchise but as for me and my heart, knew better no boy was going to be swooned by the tall lanky girl with yellowish eyes and sometimes a cannular adorned her slender wrists. I discovered metal rocks, indie rocks and indie pops; it was hipster time.

There were nights when we danced the night away and kissed under the moon and made love under the cover of a starry night, these were short lived “flings” and then I discovered the power of tequila and how a glass of red wine is an antidote for all kinds of broken heart. There were live band nights, karaoke nights instead of lonely nights. We became the life of the party and the party became us but when the night ends and dawn break like owls we retire to our humble holes with killer hangovers and sometimes a painful crises episode.

I smile for the days when I would play office and carry my mom’s purse around our small sitting room and my sister’s books and a broken phone and act like a secretary or a madam BOSS, I loved the secretary act because it made me feel independent, in control and organized above all I thought there’s nothing beautiful like a woman behind the desk: answering calls, arranging files and setting meetings, type writing with a serious gaze behind glasses that hang low on the nose and I want to be a secretary when I grew up. I hated playing house whether I was the mom or the baby I just didn’t like it, there were moments when I  squabbled with my playmates because I wanted to play DAD and the boy in the group didn’t want to be take that role of a baby, I wouldn’t play but other times I would play DAD when there were no boys to fill that gap in our play group; like my DAD I would act serious and imitate that deep baritone of his and just sat full on the makeshift couch and just be in control because that’s what DADS’ do they are in control.

But then I outgrew those little plays and high school came I no longer wanted to be a secretary because that  was somehow beneath me instead I wanted to be a banker and so I studied my  way into business college but then the sand shifted beneath me and there I was taking a different bachelor degree but you know what they say aim for the moon if you miss you might hit a star or in this case lamppost.

So, I got my degree and after university I proved Darwinism is real and survival is for the fittest. It was cutthroat competition in the job market, six month after college I was jobless and penniless with a student loan and I was depressed but that’s a white man’s problem they told me and so I became demon possessed and exorcism was in order because it’s not normal to sleep from morning to after noon hours or to lack appetite and to just sit and do nothing but watching TV all day ( Yes, I was that much drained and I had insomnia but nobody knew or noticed because it’s not our problem but a white man’s issue) with the depression and anxiety I hit rock bottom and sickle cell gripped that chance and chastised me for full two months, when I say two months I mean two weeks of ceaseless pain day and night and the rest for recovery and surviving my depression and the exorcism.

I finally found the light at the end of the tunnel and saw that silver lining at the end of my clouds, I had a job it wasn’t my dream job but it will pay the bills and buy me a nice pair of shoes but then I discovered cubicle spaces suffocates me and I can take orders well but I wasn’t cut out to follow rules on top of that I kept expanding my web of lies by lying every time I had a sickle cell episode, it was either flu or when I knew I couldn’t make it to work the next day Malaria it became. My soul felt boxed, I gave me two years, two years of working and saving so that I can move on to the next step in my life which is getting that master degree I wanted so bad and dreamt of since high school, only the two years became three years and three years became nothing but total loss.

There were times when I could resonate with working girls and strippers and burglars and all who are labeled as socially misfits because survival is for the fittest and when you have plenty and now you have nothing but empty accounts, empty pockets, more credits and only your tattered canvas bag and a bus ticket back home at 25 you would somehow understand why people do what they do to stay where they are, it takes courage, a lot of it to move forward when you have nothing but you and yourself.

I had a job then in a span of four years I had no job and no saving, I was going crazy but I had to survive every passing day, every morning a struggle, every sunset a blessing because I survived days from hell. I prayed for marriage but then I remember I hated playing house and who will be willing to clean my chamber pot when am down with yet another crises?, so I succumbed to hustling, door to door job hunting because sending resumes online wasn’t enough, I combed the town for jobs, I did part times, waited on tables, broke plates, Chinas so by the end of the week there was no paycheck for me, so I learned how to hold a plate or two in one hand and be able to walk with a straight back and serve neatly without spilling that soup on expensive linen tablecloth, I learned to smile even if the customers were getting under my skin because I needed that paycheck at the end of the week.

But then waiting tables wasn’t paying the bills anymore so I moved behind the counter, bartending I learned a quick fix like mixing gin and coke, making a simple cocktail, how to pour a good shot of whisky and hiding that limp and smiling even if my bones were crying. There were many cold nights but I survived because cash is king and it kept my boat floating and my mind sane and my body busy until I found the job I want.

And then one cold night a friend called me, it was an international call I didn’t know who it was but considering my grazing years and how good I was at becoming fast acquainted with foreigners I answered and thought it might be one of those acquaintances. She told me there’s a company that needed a researcher and someone who will manage their new office branch because they want to open one in my country, I was so done with washing beer glasses and drafting beers, hanging out with alcoholics past midnight, I jumped right in, I kissed bartending bye-bye and embraced my new role as a researcher.

I did research for that company for a whole month, collecting data, creating market graphs and trends, compiling figures. It was a month of dedication and investing my body, soul and mind to the job because as per my forecast if the company opens up a branch here I would be the BOSS in charge of it and that was big for me, I even calculated how much they’ll pay me and how I would spend it (I tend to take matters serious and when I dive, I dive deep, I don’t swim in the shallow)

Afterward I did two weeks back to back meetings with the CEO of the company, we review reports, amend policies and finally we set up an office and I opened my first LinkedIn professional profile, I was an executive after all and I wanted to mingle with my fellow executive, you know what they say, “Birds of the same feathers, flies together” so I wanted to fly with my executive birds only my fly was short followed by a crash landing and let me tell you exploiters are real and con artist don’t exist in a Hollywood movie only but in real life too, and a solid advice to newbies, they say plan ahead but I say don’t get ahead of yourself and never work for free even for your family. My dream of finally affording to pay for a health insurance turned into smokes and dusts. Puffs! It disappeared into thin air but I still have hope of one day paying for that health insurance.

Let shorten things for it is not my wish to bore you but to make you laugh, maybe waste a little time of yours with this silly writing but I so desire to tell you once upon a time I was carefree, I never worried about when tomorrow comes what will be, I fell in love got brokenhearted, I worked for free, I wasted plenty of time doing nothing, I did went on a little adventure, danced in the rain only to end up in a hospital bed  by the next minute, I was employed, I had a paycheck, saving account then I was sacked and broke, I listened to other peoples’ opinions, their comments influenced my next move, I started a business venture but then it died, I had friends and then there were none, I tried the monk who lost his Ferrari theories but am too much of a gossip to meditate for an hour free of any gossip call, I partied, got drunk as a skunk, woke up with hangover the next morning, I dated and hated and et cetera.

But VENI, VIDI, AMAVI { I CAME, I SAW, I LOVE} it is time to lock that door, break camp and move forward into the future, there’s no guarantee that there will never be pain or mistakes and regrets but with an open mind, ready soul and active body I will live, love and do lots of laughing.

C’EST LA VIE!

Written by Emmy Mwita.