Dear Little Soul

My dear, sweet Little Soul,

Do you know how much you mean to me already? Well, if you don’t, you soon will… :-)

From the day that I started opening my heart up again to the idea of bringing a child into my life, in this lifetime, my heart started to thaw a little. Then, with the added desire from Tim, I started to dream, a little, about it. I wondered, could I be a good mother? Or, should I close my heart down again to protect the Little Soul that I wanted to have, but was afraid of bringing in. After all, there was so much abuse in my life, particularly in my childhood. Up until my mid-thirties, thinking that I couldn’t be a good mother had been very effective birth control for me. I knew there was no way I was going to perpetuate the dysfunctionalism that I had endured by having a child of my own. It just didn’t seem right to me, to do this to anyone, so young, tender, vulnerable, sweet, and gentle. I’d experience so much struggle, pain, and unhappiness in my own life from my own childhood, how could I possibly perpetuate this vicious cycle.

The trouble is, though, that I could feel this new glimmer of hope, and love, building inside of me as Tim and I talked more and more about the possibility of having a child. We talked briefly about adoption, especially after reading about the one child rule in China, and hearing about how many girls were literally disregarded. My heart couldn’t tolerate this pain… to think about how all these baby girls were literally aborted just for being a girl. And, ever since we had talked about conceiving, or adopting you, you were always a girl. How could you not be? I’ve always been a feminist, and feel more aligned with girls and their plight. I thought perhaps I could make a difference in your life; one girls’ life. Perhaps I could heal myself enough to create a loving, healthy foundation and home, for you, our Little Soul.

Then, I went through some health challenges in my mid-thirties to early forties. You see, I had ignored a lot of the pain and anger that was caused by my childhood, and then was also numb for quite awhile in my twenties, even though I had gone through traditional therapy. It was really spiritually, and rediscovering and accepting myself, and my voice, that have healed me and have led me to where I am today. But it wasn’t an any easy road. I’m very sensitive and empathetic, so while this is a good thing as all “gifts” are, it can also be very challenging at times. I really “feel” things very deeply. I believe you are a deep thinker, as well, my sweet, and gentle soul. At least this is what I’ve been told. And, I have no doubt this is true. I also acknowledge that you are uniquely you. I will always encourage you, and love you unconditionally. If anything that my childhood has taught me, it’s this… provide unconditional love to your loved ones. While this may seem obvious, it has been a process for me to learn this.

What I’ve also learned in this lifetime is that I chose this life. I firmly believe this. I chose my family, my friends, the lessons, the circumstances, thoughts, beliefs, and, yes, you! Most definitely you! I know you have been with us for a very long time (possibly our whole marriage)… patiently waiting for us to decide whether we were ready to bring you in; knowing full well it may not happen in this lifetime. But I knew by the time I was in my early forties, that I had to try to bring you in. And, then I conceived, with a lot of help of the angels. But, oh, what pain a miscarriage is. May you never have to experience this, love. It is quite easily the most painful experiences of my life. Yes, I had so many doubts still about whether I would be a good mom, whether I would perpetuate bad habits, and also whether I was healthy enough. Alas, I was not. You were only with us a short ten weeks. By the time I realized I could handle being a mother and quite possibly could be the best mom ever, you were gone…. in a flash. The pain was quiet unbearable, for both Tim and I. My heart closed down again for quite some time, dear. I didn’t know if I could go through it all again. We tried but to no avail. This went on for years, but I kept thinking about you, unable to close off the possibility of you being in my life; our lives. You were just too precious to me. I’m literally crying now. I have so much emotion behind this, and as you will find out, I’m an emotional person in that I feel very deeply, but I’m not outwardly emotional hardly ever. You see I’ve been thinking and deliberating for weeks now on what exactly to write to you… to your future self. What is relevant? What is important? Will this mean anything to you? Will it mean as much to you when you are say, 18, 16, 30? I hope I will be around to know. And, I hope it does mean a lot to you.

Having said all this, synchronicity played a big part in my life thus far, especially where you’re concerned:-) The next, most recent chapter in your story, is that a friend of mine told me about an amazing channeler woman that could receive messages from spirit babies. Well, as soon as I heard about her, I had to get a reading. I asked her many pointed questions, but she kept pointing towards “adoption” rather than conception. I wasn’t closed off to the idea, but I have to admit I was still hung up on the ideal notion that a lot of people seem to have about having a biological child. Yes, it was partially for selfish reasons for wanting to see a “mini-me,” but I also am concerned about the baggage that potentially an adopted child could have. But, of course, my empathy took over, and I started thinking about how I/we could make a difference in a child’s life; your life, especially for one who had been abandoned! This could, and is, part of our calling… to be a part of your life, and your’s to be part of our’s, most beloved. I firmly believe what the channeler said. This is my destiny to be a part of your life, and it’s your destiny to be a part of our’s. We are so utterly thrilled, excited, blessed, humbled, and honored that you have chosen US! I still have to pinch myself to believe that someone; you, have chosen me to be your mother. And, to start a new life, and soul family, with us. You are so amazing and brave, my lovely! This took so much courage, and  I’m so proud of you. I promise I will never leave you! You have been through enough. I understand why you have chosen this path and this life. You will also help forge a new Earth. You are so powerful, and you can literally do, be, or have whatever your little heart desires, my beautiful and wonderful butterfly. I can’t wait to see you unfold, to see what you become and to see what your future holds. Yes, I’m scared, and I still have doubts; many of them, but I do know that I already love you so much. More than you will ever know. I can only imagine the love that I will have for you when I actually see you! I hope you can feel my love for you every day!? When I think of you, when I sing to you, and when I imagine holding you. I do hope you like “Somewhere Over the Rainbow:-)?” It seems so fitting for how I feel about you. So full of love, hope, and beauty. And, of course, you’re also my little, twinkling star, too. One day soon you’ll be able to tell me personally whether you like those songs or not. The wait for you to join us is killing me, but thankfully my angels and guides have come to my aid once more. They fill me with more love, patience, hope, resources, and tools every day so that you, and only you, will be brought to us; so that we can be a little family… how we’re meant to be:-)

I have so many hopes and dreams for you, dear. But the only one that matters is that you, be you! Just do you! Be your authentic self. Tell your truth. Always:-) Your guides and angels have led you this far. They will never give up on you either. You have signed up for an amazing set of gifts that you already possess, and are at your disposal any time you see fit. Believe that you have them, and believe in yourself. This is your gold and the key to life. Once you have this, everything else falls into place.

I think that’s it for now. I’m sure I’ll have plenty more to say in the future. But I hope you can feel the love in the words that I have written, dear. They are written for you; and only you. You are irreplaceable; one-of-a-kind. And, so loved!

Yours truly,

Your Soul Mommy

P.S. I have to end this story with another one of my favorite songs that I sometimes sing to you: Madonna’s “Little Star.” The words are so beautiful and apt for how I feel about you. I only wish that I could compile such a lovely tribute to your existence. Some day, perhaps I will:-) XOXO

Never forget who you are, Little star

Never forget how to dream Butterfly

God gave a present to me

Made of flesh and bones

My life, my soul

You make my spirit whole

Never forget who you are, Little star

Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky

Never forget how to dream, Butterfly

Never forget where you come from

From love

You are a treasure to me

You are my star

You breathe new life Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are, Little star

Never forget how to dream, Butterfly

May the angels protect you

And sadness forget you, Little star

There's no reason to weep

Lay your head down to sleep, Little star

May goodness surround you

My love I have found you, Little star

Shining bright

You breathe new life Into my broken heart

Never forget who you are

(Whispered:) Little star

Shining brighter than all the stars in the sky

Never forget how to dream, Butterfly

Flying higher than all the birds in the sky

Never forget who you are, Little star

Never forget where you come from

From love

Little star

Little star

(Whispered:) Little star

From love