The Hardest Thing

Jill Langhus
Posted November 2, 2020 from Spain
RIP Dad
RIP Dad: Young Dad, on the left Dad with Shelley, my oldest sister, 1957, top right Top Gun, F-100, Nellis AFB, NV 1957, middle Dad's 80th Birthday Party (the last time my siblings, Dad, and I were all together), June, 2013, bottom left The Last Time I Saw Dad in Person (Dad, Tim, Erica, myself, Beverly (his wife), and Maddox, my nephew), March, 2015, bottom right (1/1)

Since the last time I wrote about my dad, he has been steadily been declining in health. While this is good from the standpoint that I’ve had time to get more used to the idea that his days are limited, it’s still been a really difficult process to wrap my head around, and probably not great for my dad, who is very proud, to be slowly losing more and more mobility, and having to use a walker. I keep thinking, why does everyone act like they’re invincible, like we have unlimited days on this planet, and that our loved ones also have unlimited days on this planet? Surely if we were around death more early on in life, and accepted it as part of the birth/life/death process, like some cultures do, we would appreciate life, and our loved ones more.

I kept thinking last week, I should email my dad and see how he’s doing, especially since July he found out he can’t have any more operations on his heart, and he already has had a pacemaker for awhile now. He wrote back to me saying that he had gone in for a routine visit but then then had to be rushed to the ER. But, he made it sound like it was no big deal. Erica (my sister) had told me, also, that he was falling down more now. I thought, then, that doesn’t sound good at all, and my intuition was quite right, as always.

Yesterday morning, I got a new message from Erica saying that he had fallen again and that he was badly bruised, had broken several bones, and that was rushed to the ER again. I was shocked by the images that I saw. I’m a very visual person, so these images will undoubtedly stay with me forever. They were horrifying. I had been thinking to myself for awhile now, how much longer can he hold on for? What is he living for? What mission, and lessons is he still holding out for here in this lifetime. I’m not sure, and perhaps I’ll never know, but I keep thinking I just want him to be safe, happy and without pain, without any more suffering now. I know it will be hard for his wife, and of course there will be a shock, grief, and realignment stage for all of us without him, but he deserves peace now.

Erica said this morning that he’s officially terminal now, and she has started the hospice proceedings. I’m planning on talking to him soon, if I can, and he makes it through the surgery for his arm today, but he is declining resuscitation should something happen to him while he’s in the hospital. I can’t blame him and in some ways it’s great that he’s completely lucid, but also sad because he knows fully what’s going on.

I’m trying to come to terms with this new reality, as well as any unforgiveness I may have still for our past together, and also for myself for anything I feel needs to be resolved (as well as not being able to go visit him in the U.S.). But, I’m also coming to terms with my emotions and grief, for the relationship that now we’ll never have in this lifetime. Perhaps in the next life we will, but not in this one. He won’t ever see my house and life in Spain or meet Little Soul, either. It won’t happen now, and that makes me very sad. He’s always been a proud, stoic, hard-working, polite, funny, and responsible man, but I wish we could’ve been closer emotionally. It’s something that I always wanted and now I’ll never have it. I know I will be fine, and I have to accept it, but for now, I just need to breathe into the unresolved feelings; the grief, disbelief, sadness, unforgiveness, anger, resentment, and any other emotions that are cropping up now. This is the hardest thing, dealing with unresolved emotions and feelings. I need to keep learning how to allow myself to feel what I’m feeling, and to honor it. I am my father’s daughter, and this is a necessary, healing process.

For now, I feel numb, but I hope that my dad, and I can both be at peace soon. I will always remember you every time I hear an old plane going overhead, when I watch birds, when I look at the stars, especially during a cold, clear winter night, and when I hear Bolero and other operas.

Namaste, dad. May you find the peace, and serenity, you deserve. You will be remembered always. XX

Comments 40

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Honorine Ngenwi
Nov 02
Nov 02

Hi my dearest Jill, I can understand your feelings. It normal to feel that way, but nevertheless its all part of life. It shall come to pass and it just a matter of time. You know as days are passing, they are also getting older and we can't expect them to fight their health like when they were young or were youths. I just wish him a quick and splendid recovery so that you guys can share some of the loved time you had back then even if it is through what means you desire it will be find. I will continue to pray for him so he can spend sometime again here on earth. God bless you, mum, dad and most especially your elder sister who is there to care and pampa him in other not to feel your absence. God protection upon you, your siblings and your family. Stay blessed
Love you xx

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Hello Honorine,

How are you doing, dear? Thanks for taking the time to read, and comment, on my post.

I can't see him. I'm in Spain and he's in the U.S., dear. It's not possible now. I haven't seen him for over five years now.

Thanks for your prayers. XX

Honorine Ngenwi
Nov 04
Nov 04

It okay but still Gods time is the best. Stay save. I can understand it because of the pandemic and tomuch work I guest.
Love you too xx

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

It's too difficult to see him because I would be quarantined for two weeks, he's high risk, and the cases are very high there. He may not last two weeks, either. He won't walk again, and they can't operate on his eyes or heart any longer.

Honorine Ngenwi
Nov 04
Nov 04

I'm sorry mum its OK
God bless you guide and protect you in Jesus name Amen

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Thanks, Love. XX

ARREY- ECHI
Nov 02
Nov 02

Dear Sis Jill,
I am so very sorry about your dad.
Sending you and your family love, hugs and courage to go through this very difficult phase. May the memories you had with your dad help you in this most difficult time and may it help you go through this which is proving to be the most difficult thing to do. May you find healing, forgiveness and love. I am sure your dad loved you in his own rugged, proud way and I am sorry he would not have the chance to build memories with you in Spain and with Little Soul.
Breathe, grief, take it one day a time.
Hugs and love to you dear sis.

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Hello Arrey, Dear,

Thanks so much for your empathy, love, and being you:-) Yes, me, too:-(

XX

Andrace
Nov 02
Nov 02

Hi Jill,
Like my Cameroonian sisters, I feel your pain. Your dad looked super good at 80. I love his outfit on that day and all the other family photographs you shared look awesome. 'Thanking God for the blessing of a family. At almost 90, I pray that he does not go through unbearable pain. I also wish you could make the connections and bond you still desire to, but like you rightly affirmed, none of us has forever to live.

Enjoy his sweet memories, Jill. We are two of the same kind-Daddy's girls. :)

May you receive divine strength during this period-amen.

Love and hugs,
E. J.

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Hello EJ,

Yes, he did. Thank you!

I hope so, too. Thanks for your empathy, for reading, and commenting, dear.

XX

Ana Isabel Paraguay
Nov 02
Nov 02

May you find peace too. You deserve it.

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Thanks, Ana! I appreciate it:-) XX

valem
Nov 03
Nov 03

Dear Jill
I can understand the way you feel, please take a deep breath,
I pray for you ,the Holy Spirit comforted you during this time

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Hello Valentina,

How are you doing, dear? Thanks for reading, commenting, and for the prayers, too:-) XX

Regina Afanwi Young
Nov 03
Nov 03

My beloved Jill,
Am extremely sorry for your Dad's condition right now. Am really sorry you are going through so much pain. I feel it with you my dear. My children and l are sending you lots of hugs and love during this difficult moment.
I was looking back on the photograph you took on your Dad's 80th birthday. You all looked very cute. Let the lovely memories of this beautiful day console you. Remember you thought me how to visualize in such difficult moments.
My dear am really sorry that your Dad will not be able to visit you in Spain and see little soul.
I pray you find the peace you need to keep going.
Stay strong my beloved Jill

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Thanks, Love:-) I appreciate your love, prayers, and compassion.
XX

ANJ ANA
Nov 03
Nov 03

My dearest Jill,
A warm and tight hugs to you. I can feel your emotions and I wish for your inner peace so that dad can also feel your peaceful energies to him. I know the dad inside you will surely overwhelm little soul one day. I pray for both of your good health and peace of mind.
Sending you lots of love and care,
anjana

Jill Langhus
Nov 04
Nov 04

Hello Anjana,

How are you doing, dear? Thanks so much:-) I hope so, too.

XX

ANJ ANA
Nov 04
Nov 04

I am well dear Jill. I have also gone the similar experience last year, when my father was so so ill. I have faith that the inner prayers also works and miracle happens. My father was in ventilator for ten days and in ICU for one whole month. After the COVID-19 hit the country, my father was shifted in home with 24 hours oxygen and Bi-pap machine and medications. Now is has improved and is fine.
I pray for your dad Jill. Takecare.
xoxo

Jill Langhus
Nov 06
Nov 06

Great to hear:-) I'm glad to hear your father pulled through.

My dad passed away yesterday. It's my understanding that he passed peacefully, but it is heart was too weak.

Thanks so much for your care and concern, dear. XX

Nini Mappo
Nov 05
Nov 05

Hello Jill dear,
This must have been so difficult to write, in it you bury so much and feel so much still of the buried things. I am sorry for this loss of his presence and the hope of a vibrant relationship with him. To see you still holding up hope for him in love in the midst of your grief and other negative emotions is really beautiful. May the God of comfort continue to hold and heal all the parts of your heart that this daddy-daughter relationship bruised, or couldn't touch.
I love how you will remember him :-)
Sending hugs of peace and sparkles xx

Jill Langhus
Nov 06
Nov 06

Hello Nini,

Thanks for reading, and also for your empathy:-) You're very intuitive. I didn't say all that I was feeling, but most of it. I always feel like no one wants to hear about the dysfunctional aspect of my upbringing so it's hard for me to be forthcoming entirely. The rest of the story needs to be told, and it will, when it's time.

Thanks for seeing the beauty in my post, and letting me know that you saw it, too. And, thanks for the healing prayers as well. He passed on yesterday, but at least he will be in peace now.

On another note, please let me know if you would like to be added to the Aspire Resolve guest list, dear.

I hope you and your family are well, and that you have a good weekend.
XX

Sabdio Roba
Nov 07
Nov 07

Dear Jill
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I have been through alot with my sick dad, and I feel you. So many times you feel numb, and confused with emotions. But all this will pass, praying for you and dad. You will get through this. Much love and blessings. Hugs

Jill Langhus
Nov 07
Nov 07

Hello Sabdio,

How are you doing, Love? Thanks so much for reading and sympathizing:-)

I'm sorry to hear about your dad, dear. Yes! Let me know if I can help.

Thanks again. You, too! XX

MUVUNYI FABIENNE
Nov 07
Nov 07

My Jill.
I am extremely sorry to hear that you lost lovely daddy.
I know what you feel dear.
I am orphan since I was twelve.
I am sure that your lovely daddy is resting in the eternal peace.

Be strong my Jill

Jill Langhus
Nov 07
Nov 07

Hello Fabienne Love,

How are you doing, dear? Thanks so much for your heartfelt message.

I'm sorry to hear that you were/are an orphan:-(

XX

J Brenda Lanyero
Nov 07
Nov 07

Ooh Jill! I can understand what you are going through and am sorry to hear that he passed on. So sad.
A parent is a parent, no matter what age we are. We will always be children and they the parents and it hurts when they pass on. Age doesn't reduce or relief pain when a loved one passes on.

May you find comfort during this most difficult time that you can't go over there and may his soul find eternal rest.

Sending you sisterhood love, hugs and support. Be strong dear Jill.
XX

Jill Langhus
Nov 07
Nov 07

Hello Brenda, Dear,

Did this happen to you, too, already, Love?

Thank you very much for your love and compassion:-)

XX

J Brenda Lanyero
Nov 08
Nov 08

Hello Jill.
I experienced it when my mum died but then I got to learn how difficult even when is old. It was when my grand father passed on and saw how difficult it was for my dad to come to terms with it. Even when he wouldn't say, I could see it.

Stay strong.
XX

Jill Langhus
Nov 09
Nov 09

Hello Dear,

Oh. I'm sorry, dear:-(

Hope you're well and that you have a good week.

Tamarack Verrall
Nov 08
Nov 08

Dear Jill,
I have been thinking of you as you have been going through this, this experience of your Dad as his health has been declining and now moving into Hospice, facing the end of his life. Your words are healing for any of us facing the loss of a loved one. As always, your willingness and ability to bear your own soul in letting us know your inner thought and feelings, open a path for us all to allow this in ourselves, with whatever difficulties we are facing. My love to you, dear sister, as you continue this journey in facing the death of your beloved father, beloved in all of the experiences you have had, good and unsettled, remembered with joy and with all of the complications that relationships can bring. Your ability to explore all this on such a spiritual and loving level is a beacon for us all.
Much love dear sister,
Tam

Jill Langhus
Nov 09
Nov 09

Hello Tam, Dear,

How are you? Thanks for reading and for commenting. I appreciate it very much. I'm very pleased to hear that my words have a healing affect and that it will allow others to express themselves more freely. That's lovely:-) I'm glad I was able to express myself well enough that you understood the complexity of what I was going through. I wasn't sure if it would be conveyed as it was hard to write what I was fully feeling at the time, and still am, to a certain extent.

He never made it to hospice. He died before he got back home last Thursday.

Thanks again, Tam. You rock! XX

maeann
Nov 09
Nov 09

Dear Jill,

My warm hugs and love to you. I mourn with you right now. I just want to be beside you... just to be silent and cry with you. No words. Just listen.

Jill Langhus
Nov 11
Nov 11

Hi Mae Ann,

Thanks, Dear! Appreciate it:-) I'm not much of a crier, but I definitely appreciate your love and support:-) XX

Hello, JLo,

Your title summarizes it all. I see a beautiful soul, a loving daughter who faced difficulties growing up, and yet at the end of it all still wants to reconnect and restore relationships. To go through trauma and turn out to be an empathetic and caring person makes you a shero, or you like the term goddess better, right?

May all fathers have daughters like Jill. That's all I can say. It must be hard not to be able to fly back home and to process it together with family. But I know you are stronger today. Perhaps freer?

This is such a loving post, Jill. You handle this low moment so well. Kudos to you!

Jill Langhus
Nov 20
Nov 20

Hello Kaye:-)

Aw, thank you. I'll take Shero or goddess:-) I think you're right. It has been one of my goals to emerge empathetic regardless of the circumstances, in any situation. This is quite a big win for me, I think. Thanks for acknowledging that. It has taken quite a lot of hard work, dedication and discipline to get to this point. It doesn't always work, but I have come an awful long way.

You're so sweet. Well, yes, I would've liked to have said good bye to him, but as far as processing with my family... um, probably not. I like the sentiment, though:-) Getting stronger, and freer, thank you.

Thanks so much for reading and for your loving feedback, as always. You always know what to say.

XX

You're welcome, dear Jill. Cheers to a stronger, freer, and more beautiful you! Cheers to blooming into the best empathetic version of you despite the pains in the past. Cheers to you, Shero and Goddess! Hugs!

Jill Langhus
Nov 27
Nov 27

Aw, thanks. Are you getting your message notifications? I haven't gotten them all week. I have to keep checking the sidebar notifications.

Lovely:-)

Hope you're doing well, and that you have a great Encourager Party and weekend:-) XX

Karin vonKrenner
Dec 02
Dec 02

So sorry for your pain and having to let go of such a precious relationship. Reach out if there is anything you need.

Jill Langhus
Dec 03
Dec 03

Hi Karin,

Thanks so much for your empathy, and offer, too. It's very kind of you!!

XX