For Tim, How Do I Live...

Imagine spending 28 years of your life with someone, your best friend, lover, soul mate… the pillar in your life, and easily the most dependable, reliable, and honest person you know… only to find out they have gall stones and a small tumor in their colon, that ends up being cancerous.

This is the reality, or I should say nightmare, that I’ve lived since only last month. It seems like longer than that since so much has happened since then. Fortunately, though, my husband, Tim, is now convalescing at home and hopefully we’ll be able to have at least another 28 years together, albeit much more joyful, graceful, and healthy.

I would say it all started with the stress of COVID and the adoption process, although I think it started much earlier than that, since he had his appendix out about 15 years ago. You see Tim isn’t always the best at expressing himself, meaning he isn’t always able to work through his feelings which ends up causing him, and then me, additional stress. I’m not saying there couldn’t have been exposure to toxins or traumatic experiences in his life which had also contributed, but personally I think not having a healthy outlet to express his feelings is the primary cause of the same physical challenge being replicated in his body, i.e., first appendicitis and now cancer/gall stones. I attribute this to toxic masculinity mostly. Men aren’t taught to be allowed to express themselves. It actually ends up being an asset during boyhood for boys to act out in anger as part of their socialization, but they’re not allowed to express any other emotion or it’s considered a weakness. And, then, as they grow up it’s usually considered a big asset to have a teen boy as they’re “so easy to raise” versus a girl.

Anyway, I digress. My original point, and intention of this post, is to inspire others who are going through similar phases in their life. To help them get through it, just like I did.

Yes, I was feeling really vulnerable in the hospital since neither one of us are bilingual and quite frankly lost for a lot of the progress/status conversations. Even though we know quite a lot of Spanish, we don’t always hear what they’re saying and only a small fraction was either empathetic to get their point across or that knew some English. I had always underestimated how much of a difference this had made for expats here who became sick to want to go back to their home country. Now I understand, and can empathize more. There were definitely some kind, empathetic nurses, and the surgeon, thank goodness, but there were also quite a few unempathetic nurses, including one who literally opened the door on me when I was using the toilet and handed me a new COVID mask..yeah, that happened! The same nurse on Sunday also booted me out of the room but didn’t tell me why, just because she apparently was crabby or didn’t agree with plus-ones being in the hospital, due to the COVID rules.

I kept thinking, “how am I going to get through this?” And, then I did. I didn’t feel like I had any choice. Yes, I could go home but then I wouldn’t have known what was going on with Tim as I couldn’t come back into the hospital, if I left. So, the whole time I was torn between squeezing myself on the tiny gurney bed that Tim was using and possibly make him uncomfortable or sleep on the reclining chair next to his bed, to get any sleep for the entire week. Little did we know it was going to be an entire week, but thankfully Tim looked up beforehand what we may need and he had read about bringing a pillow.

What really got me through this challenging time, however, was a few things: my lovely soul sister, and World Pulse rock star, Regina, Dawn, Manasa, some empathetic hospital staff, and quite honestly distractions. Normally I wouldn’t recommend this as a tactic, but it absolutely helped me not go down a dark rabbit hole, especially the morning of Tim’s surgery. I think that was the only time either one of us cried. I was trying to be strong, and unemotional, so that it wouldn’t upset him, but he was the bravest person on the planet during that time…. even on Sunday when he was experiencing excruciating pain and didn’t think he was going to make it. I could see the panic in his eyes. I started to get choked up, and I thought, I have to help him through this; and I did. I helped him to regulate his breathing, asked for help from his angels, and guides as well as mine, and got stronger meds for him. It wasn’t ideal as it brought on nausea, dizziness and apparently slight hallucinations, but we did get through it. That was definitely the worst day, apart from him actually going to surgery and not knowing how long he would be, or if any complications would occur.

Thankfully, I had asked Regina earlier in the week, reluctantly as I didn’t want to further burden her, if she would be my support person while in the hospital and being the rock star that she is, she wholeheartedly agreed without hesitation. I don’t know if you all know Regina but she’s the kindest, most unconditionally loving and supportive woman on the planet. There are some close seconds on World Pulse but I honestly felt her strength holding me up during this time, especially during his surgery. As soon as she was able, we chatted like long lost friends and I was able to forget momentarily what was going on. I truly feel like this Earth Angel was sent to me by the universal force (that most people refer to as God). I don’t think she’s ever disagreed with me or criticized me once. In my book, that’s what an awesome friend, mentor and sister is. I honestly couldn’t ask for more. She kept checking on me, worrying about whether I was getting any sleep, sending me love, support and emojis, all the while going through such a difficult time herself. What a selfless angel. I will be forever indebted to her, and I hope our strong bond will last forever. My dear Bavi. You rock, Love!

As for my dear colleagues, and sisters, Dawn and Manasa, they also held me up, asking me how I was doing regularly, as well as some dear PIE members who were concerned for me. It made such a difference to know that people reached out and cared how I was doing, other than Tim’s family, of course. It really touched me. Dawn has to be hands down the best boss/leader I’ve ever had. She’s willing to listen, empathize and support me all the time, even though she has like three full time jobs:-) You rock! Thank you Dawn, and Manasa, for all that you do. It’s truly appreciated.

And, last but not least, an absolute angel named Angela who is a nurse in training that ensured that we completely understood what was going on and helped us as best she could while she was on duty, as well as the few, dedicated souls there who are 100% committed to excellence in their job, including the mental and physical health of the patients, who helped Tim and I get through this. I will always remember them, and their kindness. I told Angela to never become jaded by the system or those there that were less kind, and she promptly responded that she would always be kind. Such a lovely soul. A big shout out, too, to the lovely, little housekeeper who is largely dismissed by most people, but of course got noticed by me who always appreciates the unseen underdog, being able to relate to the apparent lack of appreciation from others, even though it’s obvious to me that no matter what position they hold, they’re just as valuable, if not more, as everyone else who works there.

P.S. I hope you enjoy the heartfelt song that kept going through my head before we went into the hospital and during. I only did one take of the video, so please be kind…ha:-)

Thanks for reading, and being a part of this amazing, one-of-a-kind community!