Standing Up

On that breezy Friday evening, I rose from that beautiful handmade green chair and felt lost. I knew my heart was hurting but it is the feeling of fear and being lost that raised the alarm bells in my head. I let out a laugh, just to see if the feeling will go away.
I looked for the smallest bit of inspiration and I couldn’t find any. A grown woman should be able to take control of her life. I loudly said to myself “I think I am…am I?” Was it time to see someone and talk about it? Or was it time to take a break and breathe before diving into a life of doctors, medical bills and uncomfortable tests? I had just been diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Disease.
Seasons bring out the best in nature. Why were mine so cruel? I listened from within. Even the angels were quiet. I wondered if they were still there or they had also decided to take a break. If it were not for my faith in patron saints names, I would have changed my name as if that would have changed everything. How naive!
Since the day I had picked my medical results and scheduled the date for the laparoscopy, my dreams had become more disturbing. Before, I would go for a week without dreaming and there I was having uncountable dreams a night.
The dreams reminded me of how much I wanted to have a family and children. I needed to take control. I did not know how and this frustrated me. No one I knew was familiar with the disease and so I only had my doctor. I was afraid and compared that feeling with the feeling of being airdropped in the middle of the ocean with no compass.
I gathered my strength, and kept the promise. I went to the hospital on the evening before the surgery. I was not so much afraid of the surgery as I was for what happens after. I later came to learn that taking each day at a time was how to be the best I can be.
I still have to see the doctor every now and then but I don’t feel like I need to prepare for it. Standing up then strengthened me and that is what has seen me achieve both professionally and personally.