Why did I stay? # IStandWithHer

Why did I stay?

This is a question I asked myself a hundert times. And I know nobody really understands when you didn't experience it by yourself. I don't blame you. It has a lot to do with the personal story. I found the easiest way to explain, it is like a addiction. Many people try to get rid off drugs and alcohol because they know it is not good for them but there is something that brings them always back. How many times I wanted to leave him? I can't tell you. Almost after every fight. I even left sometimes but I always went back.

This are my reasons why I stayed:

1. Often when I told him I will leave him, he said, he will take his own life. I didn't want to be the reason that he kills hisself. One of my uncle has committed suicide. So I knew it doesn't only destroy one life. It destroys a whole family.

2. He told me he will kill me. I was just scared for my life

3. I was scared he will harm my family. Because when he was angry, he was able to do everything without thinking of the consequences. He knew where my parents house is.

4. I lost a lot of friends because of his control over me. I thought I will be completely alone without him. In school I exprience mobbing so I knew how it is to be alone. I didn't want to feel like this again.

5. I loved him or it was what I told myself. I belived he will change.

6. I was young and very unsure about myself. It was easy to manipulate me

It was always the same way, how the fight started. He made out of something little, something very big. Often I didn't even know what I did wrong. Did I really do something wrong? Most of the times not. But he always found a reason to fight. But he also gave me the key how to stop the arrgument. I just had to say sorry. It was so easy. But would you say sorry for something you didn't do? Would you say sorry for things like a other man looked at you? For not picking his call by the first time he called? For wearing the wrong clothes in his eyes? There was always something in me who said no you don't have to be sorry not this time. But after hours of fighting, you become tierd. Most of the times I was confused and I didn't even remember why he started the fight. I didn't know for what I had to excuse myself. And then he freaked completly out. We could spend days of fighting. Once we had a car accident because we had a arrgument and he pulled my hair while he was driving. He lost control over the car. And once he tried to kill me. It was night we were fighting for hours already. I fell asleep. The next moment I woke up because I couldn't breathe. I realised he was pushing a pillow in my face. I thought that is it, it finally ends. Eventually I started to fight for my life. He was sitting on top of me, he was way stronger than me. But somehow he stopped. I survived but in this moment I wished he had finished me. That was not the life I wanted to live. It was my personal hell. I lost myself, a lot of friends, all my goals, my happiness, my purpose, my career, my faith, my smile, and my money. I only had him. He was a very good looking, very charming, helpful, ambitious young man. That was what the other saw in him and also me when I first met him. Who would belive me? Nobody could see the monster I saw.

And this is what they do. Isn't it?