Why did I stay? # IStandWithHer

Julia Flückiger
Posted December 9, 2019 from Switzerland

Why did I stay?

This is a question I asked myself a hundert times. And I know nobody really understands when you didn't experience it by yourself. I don't blame you. It has a lot to do with the personal story. I found the easiest way to explain, it is like a addiction. Many people try to get rid off drugs and alcohol because they know it is not good for them but there is something that brings them always back. How many times I wanted to leave him? I can't tell you. Almost after every fight. I even left sometimes but I always went back.

This are my reasons why I stayed:

1. Often when I told him I will leave him, he said, he will take his own life. I didn't want to be the reason that he kills hisself. One of my uncle has committed suicide. So I knew it doesn't only destroy one life. It destroys a whole family.

2. He told me he will kill me. I was just scared for my life

3. I was scared he will harm my family. Because when he was angry, he was able to do everything without thinking of the consequences. He knew where my parents house is.

4. I lost a lot of friends because of his control over me. I thought I will be completely alone without him. In school I exprience mobbing so I knew how it is to be alone. I didn't want to feel like this again.

5. I loved him or it was what I told myself. I belived he will change.

6. I was young and very unsure about myself. It was easy to manipulate me

It was always the same way, how the fight started. He made out of something little, something very big. Often I didn't even know what I did wrong. Did I really do something wrong? Most of the times not. But he always found a reason to fight. But he also gave me the key how to stop the arrgument. I just had to say sorry. It was so easy. But would you say sorry for something you didn't do? Would you say sorry for things like a other man looked at you? For not picking his call by the first time he called? For wearing the wrong clothes in his eyes? There was always something in me who said no you don't have to be sorry not this time. But after hours of fighting, you become tierd. Most of the times I was confused and I didn't even remember why he started the fight. I didn't know for what I had to excuse myself. And then he freaked completly out. We could spend days of fighting. Once we had a car accident because we had a arrgument and he pulled my hair while he was driving. He lost control over the car. And once he tried to kill me. It was night we were fighting for hours already. I fell asleep. The next moment I woke up because I couldn't breathe. I realised he was pushing a pillow in my face. I thought that is it, it finally ends. Eventually I started to fight for my life. He was sitting on top of me, he was way stronger than me. But somehow he stopped. I survived but in this moment I wished he had finished me. That was not the life I wanted to live. It was my personal hell. I lost myself, a lot of friends, all my goals, my happiness, my purpose, my career, my faith, my smile, and my money. I only had him. He was a very good looking, very charming, helpful, ambitious young man. That was what the other saw in him and also me when I first met him. Who would belive me? Nobody could see the monster I saw.

And this is what they do. Isn't it?  

This story was submitted in response to #IStandWithHer.

Comments 25

Log in or register to post comments
Jill Langhus
Dec 09, 2019
Dec 09, 2019

Hello Julia,

Thanks for sharing the follow up to your story. I've heard this so many times now. It's so sad, and that you actually felt like you wished he would've ended your life... horrible:-( And, yes, this is what these narcissistic, violent men do, unfortunately. I'm so glad you're free now, though. But are you okay, dear? Please do reach out if you need additional support.

Hope you're doing well, and having a good week!

XX

denramonal
Dec 09, 2019
Dec 09, 2019

Hello Julia, I know your story because it was exactly like mine. Keyword: WAS. Past tense. It does not define you. Know your truth because others might try to make you think otherwise. The cycle of violence does not stop if one forgets the lesson. As for those 'lost' things, they are not lost --- they are just waiting to be picked up again. Keep going. No matter how small the step, just keep going. A big hug.

ANJ ANA
Dec 10, 2019
Dec 10, 2019

Dear Julia,
Thank you for sharing your feelings/experiences. I can understand and feel how hard to stay in an abusive relationship. It's so true that people stay because leaving them seems more dangerous than living with them, when in an abusive relationship. Fear, gender role, children and social obligations, lack of support systems and lack of resources, feeling of guilt and love for a spouse is the major reason for staying. But none of them are justifiable for any type of violence and exploitation. I am a bit releaved that you are overcome from all those things as those are past now. Please do take care of yourself and kindly do let me know , how can i support you . i will be happy to talk to you more in private if you wish.. It is really very important to seek help and please remember that you are not alone, every person has the right to live free from violence.
sending you love, care and moral support my sister.
best regards,
Anjana

Wusufor
Dec 10, 2019
Dec 10, 2019

Dear Julia,
Oh mine, you have went through a lot. Just the points made put myself in your shoes.
This so many threats puha I can imagine you are a courageous and brave sister. Thanks for standing with her.
Hope you are having a good day?
Warm regards

Rahmana Karuna
Dec 10, 2019
Dec 10, 2019

Dear Julia,
i understand. addiction can be so devastating. May you find the strength to love yourself. what hurt, yet helped me, was when i read "a person doesn't stay with anyone who treats them worse than themselves". oh that was hard. i took a long hard look at myself. One of the abusive relationships i was in, he was a raging bull around me, but one friend said to us at lunch "he is such a golden retreiver and you a yappy little dog". society does not help. is there a local support group?

Anita Shrestha
Dec 10, 2019
Dec 10, 2019

Dear Sis
Thank you for sharing

Jane
Dec 11, 2019
Dec 11, 2019

My dear sister, what you went through was not to break you but to make you the stronger person you are today, to go about beating yourself for the lesson learned which you will pass on to the next generation and be able to #standwithher because you understand and know better about the situation. Walk tall you survived and nothing can break you now. your emotional scars are your graduation certificates you will be able to teach others. Thanks for sharing

Asaad Ali
Dec 12, 2019
Dec 12, 2019

My point of view i stand with her because she is each one from the women then they represent the healthy communities.
Thank you sister for sharing

Jap Mouki Christelle Alexandra
Dec 13, 2019
Dec 13, 2019

It's painful to read your story. It's painful to see that the purpose of God for your life has been robbed by a human being .
But I am glad that you survived . You stand up strong to tell your story and change the lives of others . Hope to read from you soon.
Blessed

otahelp
Dec 15, 2019
Dec 15, 2019

Julia, i can imagine your pain and sordid ways you were subjugated. its always like that until the person wakes u from her slumber. happy you eventually did. thank you for sharing your story. #IStandWithHer @IStandWithYou

Oluwatoyin Olabisi
Dec 17, 2019
Dec 17, 2019

Julia, the experience is the same, they are charming, lovely, ambitious, good-looking and the list goes on and on but behind all these is a monstrous being. They make you leave your friends and believe you are nothing without them. I am happy you survived, A survivor that is what you do. If you are still with me, I advise you devise a strategy on how to exit the relationship FAST.
The Lord Be With You.

Lily Habesha
Dec 18, 2019
Dec 18, 2019

Hello Julia,
What a strength kept you get along with such a man! It really takes a heart to manage all this. i see you care for him in spite of all the amusement he poured on you. You care for your families and for yourself, that so wonderful.
may God help you to plan ahead of him, before things get worse. I'm hoping this is just a temptation, and a better day'll come to you.
Love and Hug,
Lily

TataWirba
Jan 30
Jan 30

Hi Julia.
Thank you for sharing
We stay in touch for possible cooperation.
Love and blessings ❤️❤️❤️
Tats

daniel001
Feb 19
Feb 19

Hmmmmm, so pathetic but not all guys are bad

subhashrinivasan
Feb 22
Feb 22

Please dont beat yourself over the past. We are so happy that you are out of the toxic relationship now. You will find your way my dear.

Chidimma
Mar 13
Mar 13

After reading I took a deep breath. I know you are much stronger. Thanks for sharing.

BABARA ACHU
Apr 16
Apr 16

i salute your courage my dear. thank God you are ok. slowly but surely you will get there its just a matter of time, determination and hard work

Laiba Zainab
Apr 26
Apr 26

Hey Julia
Thank you for being brave enough to share your story. Just know that we sisters love you and we are there for you. More power to you love <3

Shirin Dalaki
Apr 29
Apr 29

Hello Julia,
Thank you for sharing your story. You are brave. Please reach out if you need to.
Lots of love coming your way,

Shirin

Soumeya1
May 09
May 09

I can only send you all the sisterhood love that I have... <3
I also hope you are safe and sound now, and thank you for sharing your story with us.

valdeen shears
May 22
May 22

Hi, I just read this and its like looking in a mirror, we were just in different countries. Thankful to God he spared our lives so we can help others go from victims, to survivors to advocates. Stay strong, stay blessed

Sumaira Rajput
Jun 09
Jun 09

bravo thanks for sharing , please read my first story too
https://www.worldpulse.com/community/users/sumaira-rajput/posts/95562

Ivonne Abreu
Jun 12
Jun 12

Julia, thank you for sharing your story. As I was reading it, it felt like I was reading about my own experience. I was also in that situation. They make us feel so worthless and strip us of everything that we are. It's a horrible thing to go through. I eventually learned that I was not by myself because I was able to share my experience with others like you are on here. The one thing I can say is that after many years of being removed from the abuse, I am much, much stronger and know myself more than I ever have. I am now able to say that I have survived a relationship where I thought that I would not get out of alive. I think it's important to continue to share and let others know that they are not alone and that if they feel like they don't have a voice, we will have one for them. I want to stand by all of those that have been mistreated in any way. Thank you so much and I wish you much peace.

Carol Preston
Jun 15
Jun 15

Dear Julia. Thank you for your courage to leave him and for writing your story. Sending love to you, sister.