My self in the seat of my own conciousness

Posted October 9, 2018 from Australia
Rising from the Ashes in strength, the right to thrive not just survive

My first memory of neglect was in the cot screaming for my mother to come, but she deliberately stayed away. She didn't know how to meet her own needs, so meeting mine triggered often uncontrollable anger towards me. Her idea of keeping me safe was to distance herself so she stayed away in case she hurt me. She could be loving one minute and in meltdown the next. I felt so sorry for her because I knew she did not mean it. I learned to subvert my own needs to meet hers. My first memory of abuse was at my friend's house at the hands of her very manipulative father. In my lifetime I have suffered sexual abuse and rape at the hands of four different men. I internalised it all. I thought no one would believe this all happened to one person. Who would I tell anyway? I was so ashamed and wanted to forget. Some memories I had pushed so far down in my own mind that I didn't remember until I was much older and had support. The police in those days tended to blame and mistrust the victim, I tried telling them once. I know policies and procedures have changed but it is still very difficult to admit such horrible things.

I am an adult now, at 51 to some I may be considered middle aged. I am healthy and have Spirit family in different parts of the world who really see and support me in my life's journey. Getting here has not been easy. Trauma has a big impact on how I have viewed myself and my right to be loved, seen or heard. How do we build security from within when we have been violated, when those we have trusted have manipulated or groomed us to believe we are powerless or voiceless?

For many years I thought my fears, my anxiety my hypervigilance and lack of self-confidence was just unique to me and my life circumstances. When I found out that what I feel and experience is common for those who have been neglected or abused, I felt liberated. I felt I had a chance to rebuild my inner world, be safer in expressing my abilities, and lastly the momentum to stay out of the story or victimhood of my circumstances but instead change my response to it all.

Facing the emotional and sometimes somatic (feelings in the body) has been the hardest thing. Somedays I have just been flooded with grief, shock, overwhelming sadness or a sense of being frozen. Luckily I have good professional and spiritual support both in counselling and in bodywork. I have been able to become a witness to my traumatised child self rather than being stuck viewing the world from that place.

When I look around me, I see so many women who have also been sexually abused, discriminated against because of social economic circumstances beyond their control or because of, race, gender, colour sexual orientation or just because they are vulnerable and unprotected in their family of origin. It would be so easy to despair, but I know we have the ability to change the patterning in ourselves and to change the intergenerational trauma from continuing down the line. When we really dive in with courage to heal ourselves we are actually healing generations, and that's what feeds my hope, that it ends with me. It is sacred work, our past Ancestors benefit as do our future ones. I truly believe this. For so long I felt alone, isolated, unloved, unseen. I had to change it or this world would have been too cold for me to stay in. 

I have a clearer view of myself now, sitting in my own seat and making my own decisions that are not so clouded by these traumatised parts. I have some hope

This story was submitted in response to The Future of Security is Women .

Comments 10

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Jill Langhus
Oct 10, 2018
Oct 10, 2018

Hi Kansari,

Thanks for sharing your vulnerable and inspiring post. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that trauma. I know what you mean and agree about clearing for future generations. I have done quite a lot of that myself. What helped me to start healing myself and to get our of victim mentality was realizing that I chose this life and all the people in it. I was literally numb for years. I had blocked out the childhood abuse and was just so depressed, and anxious until I realized what had happened. I'm very grateful for where I am at now. My siblings have not shared the same, or similar, healing journey and suffer quite a lot. It's hard to watch.

I hope you are having a good day. I wish you much more healing on your journey here. Good luck with your submission.

Corine Milano
Oct 24, 2018
Oct 24, 2018

Kansari, thank you for sharing this powerful and brave post about all you have been through. It is a story many share, as you have written, and you are right that it would be so easy to despair! Personally, I find strength when women speak out about the violence we have experienced and the traumas we carry. It gives me hope. I appreciate you and thank you.

Dec 20, 2018
Dec 20, 2018

Its a strength you got to speak out about violent.

Ngwa Damaris
Dec 26, 2018
Dec 26, 2018

I am happy you are using ur sad experience to make life better for others:-)

Anita Kiddu Muhanguzi

Hi Kansari,
Thank you for sharing this very personal story about what you have gone through. You are truly amazing and have a beautiful soul. For one to have been subjected to what you went through and came out clean with no hatred and anger towards the world is truly amazing. Your story has not left me the same and am sure it will impact many women and young girls out there who have been subjected to the same inhumane treatment.

My sister you are a rare and beautiful gem, no one can ever break you. Continue to shine like a star that you are.
Have a great day.

Hugs to you, Kansari. I know what it feels to be born and raised under the care of a mother who hasn't processed her own traumas. Her anger was intense on me. Maybe I was not the child she wanted. It is still a puzzle. I was the firstborn child and my younger siblings couldn't understand why she treats me in a differently way. Maybe I was born when she wanted to pursue her dreams? Maybe she wanted a better daughter? It took me years too to process the trauma of emotional and physical abuse. There are situations that triggers still.

Thank you for your bravery to share your story.

Paulina Nayra
May 15
May 15

I feel like hugging you Kansari. I admire your bravery and spiritual consciousness. There are girls and women who were victims of sexual abuse, parental neglect and domestic violence who are still reeling from their traumatic experience because they don't have the support and the tools to help them overcome their victimization. How did you do that? Who helped you? What helped you decide to get out from victimhood? Can I hold your hand while listening and learning from you?

Huggs brave one.

Jul 15
Jul 15

It is a good line in thinking

Sep 20
Sep 20

Hello Kansari,

Thank you for being so brave to share your experiences. Perhaps it was your experiences that led you to seek Spiritual Enlightenment. As a result you have spiritual family. My thoughts of your mom is that perhaps she experienced many challenges in her life as well.

I love how you are changing your perspective of your experiences to embrace your power. Your growth and maturity is shining through.

Abundant Blessings, Dr Liz

Oct 05
Oct 05

Dear Kansari,
I am so happy that you have a clear vision and you are optmisitc and want to work further. I feel good to know that you have overcomed from all your mishaps in your past life. What a strong personality you have my dear sister. Thank you for being so brave and inpiring us.
Best wishes to you for fulfilling your all objectives .
warm hugs, love and regards,