Who says those closest to us will make us feel safer?

KenyanLucy
Posted October 1, 2018 from Kenya

I was brought up in a very simple and basic background. The one thing I am thankful for is a public education system and an enlightenment where books and libraries were concerned from a very tender age thus enabling us to open up our minds to the outside world. 

Growing up in my home was one that is norm for many Africans: my father was abusive towards my step mother.. constantly and as regularly as his craving would strike. It was not normal to see my father and his wife exchange a smile. A quick slap and thoughtless words were the order of the day. 

Fast forward to end of high school and I graduated on a regular grade which would be considered high in most western countries. Before I could have my end of school exams I already had gotten a job at a paint shop in sales and administration thus making me independent enough to move to a house which we shared with friends of like minds and status. As I prepared to start college, which I was going to have to pay through my very new job, I also started going out. Music and a good meal especially after pay day could not be missed all factors included. It was while I was working and living independently that I met my first boyfriend: Kim, let's call him. I knew it was love at first sight, in my naivete, the moment my eyes landed on him and his red Toyota Celica one bright morning as I went in search of Chicken soup to kill my hangover of the previous night. He was tall, lanky.. a man of few words which had me intrigued to a T. Luckily, or so I thought, he knew a common friend and it was not long before we were introduced. Thus started a very steamy relationship. He taught me what it was to kiss a man. And everything else you can imagine. He would give marks as I was fresh out of green land. For 6 years we had what I would call a relationship but looking back now.. it was anything but. He would show up if and when it pleased it and also disappear without a word if and when it pleased him. When he would come back I would run to him in pure glee and without asking questions for fear of chasing him away.. or making him angry. Yes, I was a quick learner and having my father as a role model made sure my ways were set from childhood. 

Year 7 saw us start to do things a bit different. "Kim" started to get more prosperous, business wise. He changed house and moved to a mansion. He had more money to spend unlike the man I first met who while he did not have much did not have this excess. Holidays became flight to Zanzibar. Yes.. he taught me what it was to live the best life possible. But with this life also came another side of him that I didnt know. A night we had gone out turned out to be nothing ordinary. While my instincts had always warned me that he was a tightly coiled rope, nothing prepared me for this shocker. We went out as norm.. he bought all the drinks and meals and finally it was time to go home. We went to his house which was still ordinary.. Once there, he disappeared downstairs and I was wondering "what is he doing downstairs at this time"? Came back up a short while later and there was weird sweet smell about him which I recognized as "weed". I didn't open my mouth to ask if he had been smoking. He roughly asked me to remove my clothes. When I responded that I was feeling too intoxicated to have sex and if we could wait till the next morning when we were sober everything turned on me. I suddenly felt a fist on my face.. shortly followed by blows and kicks.. like he was fighting a fellow man. You can imagine at first it was a shocker! I had known this man for 7 years and never once had he threatened even to slap me. He rained on me with the intention of killing me while holding my mouth so I do not scream. I could not understand where this was coming from let along why he had turned like this. I bit his arm and started screaming like mad! Throwing my legs in an effort to escape.. in vain. He went at it until finally I knew "this is it". This is what my stepmother had been going through for years. And other women I knew of.. this reaction could have been triggered by nothing or next to nothing. Our friend who was with us in the house is the one who rescued me.. came and held him and I ran to the sitting room bleeding with teeth missing and hardly seeing from all the ministered blows to my face. 

You see.. I used to say that a man cannot hit me. I thought that even while being independent a man would not dare hit me as I stayed quiet. I was wrong. I was terrified for my life.. it literally flashed before my eyes. In shock I wondered if I had missed something. If I had done something to trigger it. Was it the weed, as he later claimed? That one episode put me off men. Yes.. I am still single at 44 and cannot trust a singe man. This will not change. 

This story was submitted in response to The Future of Security is Women .

Comments 9

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Jill Langhus
Oct 02, 2018
Oct 02, 2018

Hi Kenyan Lucy,

Wow! Thanks for sharing your very personal and sad story:-( I wondered where your story was going to go. It seems like I read so many stories where women stay with their abusers, out of lack of self esteem, or the hope the abuser will change. I'm so glad you didn't. I'm a little sad, though, that you don't feel like you can trust men now, though. I can certainly understand why you feel this way, but you could also be sharing your life with a man that loves, honors and cherishes you. It's sad that this man continues to make such a negative impact in your life, and keeps your from even contemplating happiness in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, though. You need to always honor what is best for you, and I respect that. I'm glad you have spoken up so that other girls and women read this story and are inspired by your bravery to not go back to him, to know that you were worth more that him and his abuse, and also to chart your own way, without leaning on a man.

I look forward to seeing more stories from you. I hope you have a good day!

emma matondang
Oct 02, 2018
Oct 02, 2018

Hi Kenyan Lucy,
I am sorry for what happened to you. Thank God you survive. My dear, I guess you don't need to forget what happened in a way to take the best out of it to learn if there any. If not, It's passed. It's ok. To forgive him will not change the past but will help you to be cured. Release all your anger because it will not give you any benefit but pain only. He is too small to keep in mind while you are "big" because now you can tell us your very personal story. You have a big heart.

Corine Milano
Oct 29, 2018
Oct 29, 2018

I am so sorry for all you have gone through. You are brave and courageous and strong. Thank you for speaking up, and thank you for speaking out. Your words matter and your story is important. I hope that you are able to move through this trauma and begin to trust again. Opening up about your experiences is an important first step. I hear you and I thank you for sharing. So many have had similar experiences, and by breaking the silence you are inspiring all of us. I am proud of you for sharing!

Lisbeth
Dec 07, 2018
Dec 07, 2018

Ooh say it again ooo. Its not an easy maths
Regards

Juliet Acom
Feb 28
Feb 28

Hi Lucy,
This is a sad story, it must have taken great courage to share with us.

Feka
Mar 02
Mar 02

Dear Kenyan Lucy,
I am so sorry for all you have gone through. You are brave, courageous and strong. Thank you for speaking up, and thank you for speaking out.

Ngala Nadege
Mar 10
Mar 10

Such a sad story. Sorry for all you went through. I want to let you know that the world will read and listen to your voice.

Anita Kiddu Muhanguzi

Hi Lucy,
Am so sorry for what you went through. It is very sad that he made distrust men. Thank you gor sharing your story, i know it will impact someones life. There is no excuse for violence, he will come up with all sorts og excuses for his bad behaviour but in the end there is no excuse for bad manners. Am happy you run away from him before he broke your spirit.
You are greater than him and your spirit can never be broken. Stay strong my dear. We are here for you.
Have a great day

Kika Katchunga
Jun 12
Jun 12

Very horrible what happened to you my sister; I am also sorry but takes courage; try to forgive this man like the others to say; I know it's not easy, but force yourself; I pray to the spirit of God to help you; give you the heart of forgiveness because that or you will have in rescue. I like you