Lessons from my long wait

In my second year in junior secondary school in Nigeria, I was taught about puberty by my home economics teacher. As much younger girls back then, we were experiencing the first sets of changes in our bodies and were eager to learn about what was happening to us, and our teacher seemingly had all the answers. She encouraged us to share our experiences, and in doing so she realised that one of the much older girls was about to start seeing her periods.

Vickie was very excited when our teacher revealed this to her. At every opportunity during our recess period, she would go to the staff room, often accompanied by more than half of the girls in my class, and share her experiences with our home economics teacher.

‘Ma, I’m experiencing pains in my abdomen,’ She would say, or ‘Ma my panties were stained dull red yesterday’. Our teacher would always do her best to calm Vickie down and tell her that it was only normal and she would soon see her periods in time.

We were all jealous of Vickie. Growing up, it had been programmed into the heads of most of us that you weren’t yet a woman until you had seen your periods. At home and even in school, the ‘girls’ were treated differently from the ‘women’. We all felt pressured to menstruate and become women, and were jealous that this was happening to only Vickie and not to any of us.

I have to say though, that our teacher did her best to assure us that nothing was wrong with us. Other teachers didn’t approve of her speaking to us openly about these things, but she did not mind. Once when Vickie expressed fears that her periods would start in school, our teacher gave her a pad. Then she shared one to each of us when she realized we were feeling left out.

I would keep feeling left out for the next four years. Suddenly everyone in my class was comparing bra sizes and the different brands of pads they used while I had nothing to say. At a point I was the only girl in the class who hadn't seen her periods, and I was made the butt of jokes. Most of the older girls made me feel abnormal and adopted this ‘not one of us’ attitude towards me. It annoyed me to hear them whispering in groups, and then suddenly stop when I came nearer and start loudly talking about schoolwork.

Once in biology class, I asked my teacher a question about ovulation, and a bigger girl chipped in said 'Ma she does not menstruate so she cannot understand.' Everyone burst out laughing. I felt both angry and embarrassed at the same time and my whole day was totally ruined after that.

And then came the long awaited periods. I woke up one morning and found my nightwear stained. Over excited, I ran to my mother and showed her. She smugly asked to me to remove the stained clothes and washed them immediately. Afterwards, she informed me that I had become a woman, and so from then on I must stay away from boys so as not to disgrace my family. She also told me not to tell anyone about it, not my friends or teachers, not even my father. This greatly puzzled me and dampened my happiness.

I didn’t understand why my mother would tell me to be silent about something I had waited on for so long, and so when I started experiencing nausea, cramps, and menstrual pain, I did not run to her for advice. Looking back now, I believe she would have helped me out, but I didn’t want to discuss such things with her after her earlier reaction. I instead chose to bear the pains silently and figure it all out by trial and error.

It wasn’t until much later when I had a conversation with the same classmates that used to stigmatize me, that I realized that their experiences were not any different. One of them even bemoaned being a girl and said she didn’t want to menstruate. It was then I realized that the ‘woman’ thing had been such a hoax.

I realized that menstruating does not automatically make you a woman. The dictionary defines a woman as an adult female human being and not a female who has seen her periods. Girls start menstruating really early these days because of changing diets and environments, and personally I wouldn’t consider a girl of eleven a woman simply because she had started menstruating. But most mothers do not understand this. Instead of encouraging their teen to be proud of her periods and guiding her along the way, they choose to scare her into morality by placing the ‘woman’ straightjacket on her. I have a friend whose mother stopped her from playing football with her neighborhood friends after she started seeing her periods, in order to minimize her contact with boys as much as possible. Society makes mothers do this; stifle their child’s freedom because of the fear of pregnancy or something worse.

I realized that most of our mothers do not focus on the things that are Important, such as educating us on menstrual pain and cramps. They do not tell us that mood swings and cravings are normal things to have in the days leading up to, and during your periods. They do not tell us that there are things such as light and heavy flows, and there are different pads for your kind of flow. They do not tell us that there are foods you should avoid and things you should not drink to reduce the tendency of menstrual pain. No, most of them leave us to figure these things out, which is not good enough. They simply harp on the importance of morality and staying away from boys, because none wants society to tag her as irresponsible if her daughter becomes a teenage mother.

I realized too, that menstruation is still one of the words which my society, no matter how advanced it has become, has not learnt to say without some inkling of shame or disgust. No matter what words we use to describe it; menses, period, flow, etc., the perception is the same.

My society perceives menstruation as a necessary evil which renders all females impure and disgusting for a time. My society perceives menstrual pain as a sickness, which is why most girls are reluctant to admit that they are going through menstrual pain, and will do anything they are advised to get rid of it, too. Menstrual pain is not a sickness. It is a normal occurrence which can be managed with the right diet and medications, but there is no easily accessible counselling on these things; a friend of mine told me once that she heard that only virgins experience menstrual pain, and having sex would get rid of it. A cringe worthy statement, because nothing could be farther from the truth.

In my society, young girls are still shy to walk into pharmacies or supermarkets and ask to buy pads. In my society, the cost of pads are increasing every day and we are asked not to complain about it, as if menstruation is some calamity we chose to bring upon the human race, and must then bear in silence. In my society, girls are shamed when they get stained by their periods often for no fault of theirs. In my society, girls are ashamed of and grumble about their periods.

I say, not good enough. Both genders should be taught sex education early enough, and taught as well to appreciate their differences. Menstruation should be seen as a stepping stone into womanhood, and not a direct elevation. Most especially, our parents, and mothers especially should teach us that periods are a thing of joy, and should not be a reason to stigmatize or to feel inferior to anyone. This way we will change societal perceptions, and feel the freedom to glory in our experiences.