Take grace

Kike
Posted November 23, 2019 from Nigeria

2018 broke me. I will always refers to it as one of the darkest periods of my life and I hope to never see a year like that again. It was the year I had to give up on something I’d worked on for eight months because I had a completely wrong team and even I lost sight of the vision along the way. It was the year I was constantly on medications because illness refused to leave me alone. It was the year I floated in and out depressive episodes. The year I had to evaluate my friendships and move a lot of people out to stay sane.

2018 was the year I lost my desire to create anything. For months, I’d sit and stare at my computer screen for hours and then go away without being able to write a single word. I stopped coding and pulled the plug on all my projects, no explanations given. I was unable to show up for a lot of people. I lost my faith. The star student of my department, I was seriously struggling with school and constantly thinking of dropping out. I am still unable to completely understand how and why it all happened, and yet I am glad it did.

Burning out like I did forced me to evaluate so many of my life choices and start making changes. I realized that I had been taking on so much and pushing myself so hard that I suddenly lost sight of me. Everyone around me has so much high expectations of me and because of that I hold myself and everything I do to even higher standards that when I finally couldn’t achieve something, I failed to show myself grace. And when I fell, I didn’t have an immediate support system to hold me up. It was all darkness and tears.

This year, I started making deliberate efforts to care for myself. I walked away from a lot of friendships and started looking for my people. I found them. Offline, I’m surrounded by a group of strong men and women who always try their best to show up for me. And online, I’m finally back to this loving community that always reminds me that I have what it takes to create change right where I am.

One of the few goals I set for myself this year was to create, as much as possible. I wasn’t looking for masterpieces. I just wanted to find my writing voice and other mediums through which I could express my passion for creating the beauty I want to see in the world. Because I know what it feels like to be unable to create. And I am doing that now. Just creating, and everything is right with the world.

At school I banded together with some like-minded people to whom I could express my fears and anxieties and everyone could add to one another, unlike before when I was carrying to whole group on my shoulders. It felt so good to finally be among people who understood the crazy mental challenge that is university, who didn’t make me feel like I had no right to say I was under pressure. I’m glad to be standing next to these people as I finally round up with school in a few months.

Above all, I had to constantly remember to be graceful to myself even in moments of failure and setbacks. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.

Lost myself, found myself. Finally found my way back here too. I’ve toyed with the idea of writing this article for months but tonight, I’ll just sit here and do it. I hope it inspires someone to let go a bit and take care of themselves. And if you’re not in the best of places right now, I’m sending you love and light. Better days are coming.

Comments 11

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Karen Quiñones-Axalan
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019

Hello, dear Kike,

Welcome back! I am so glad that you gave time to assess your relationships during your downtrodden moments. It does hurt to discover that those you thought were friends are not really there for you. I'm glad you are now supported by your new support system both online and offline. Of course, we love, accept, and support you here on World Pulse.

Thank you for sharing! Cheers to better days!

Kike
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019

Karen, thank you for the kind words. And yes it does feel good to be back on here, and I'm certainly looking foward to better days :)

Lisbeth
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019

Dear Like,
Oh mine, it was really a tough year for you. So sorry you have to experience such other side of life.
How are you doing now? I hope you are picking up things together? It's shall surely be well. As long as we are alive all is possible. All that matters is life. Take heart and I stand with you sincerely.
Warm hugs
Lizzy

Kike
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019

Lisbeth, I am doing much better now, fixing what can be fixed and letting go of what cannot. Yeah truly, where there is life there is hope. Thanks so much for your concern.
* receives hug *

Anita Shrestha
Nov 24, 2019
Nov 24, 2019

Dear
Thank you for sharing

Kike
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Thanks for reading, Anita.

Jill Langhus
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Hi Kike,

It's great to have you back:-) I'm so sorry to hear about your tough period, but it definitely sounds like you have emerged stronger and more clearly focused on what's important in your life. I'm so glad you have regained your voice and that you're sharing one of your gifts with the world. Thanks for sharing your inspiring and wise story. Looking forward to seeing more and also to learn about what you will be focusing on after school is over, too:-)

Hope you have a great week!

XX

Kike
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Jill dear!
Seeing your name above this comment gladdened my heart. Thanks, thanks and thanks for your concern and kind words. This experience has definitely helped me discover inner strengths and regain clarity of vision in some respects and I'm grateful for that.
I am looking forward to what comes after school too. I'm not sure how my growing passion for writing will work with where I am in my coding journey right now, and I have other interests that I want to explore too and I'm just anxious to see how it all pans out.
A great week to you too :)

Jill Langhus
Nov 27, 2019
Nov 27, 2019

Hello dear!

Aw, thank you! You're very welcome:-)

Glad to hear it! I'm sure everything will work out, dear. Keep sharing your stories and let us know how we can help. You can private message me, too, if you would like extra support or to brainstorm:-)

Thanks!

XX

lizzymark
Nov 25, 2019
Nov 25, 2019

Hi Keki,you are possible and can do anything you set your mind to do and become. It was tough but you did not give up,that's the spirit, to keep fighting until we are victorious. Thanks for shearing.

Kike
Nov 26, 2019
Nov 26, 2019

Thanks for the words of encouragement.They are well appreciated.