Take grace

2018 broke me. I will always refers to it as one of the darkest periods of my life and I hope to never see a year like that again. It was the year I had to give up on something I’d worked on for eight months because I had a completely wrong team and even I lost sight of the vision along the way. It was the year I was constantly on medications because illness refused to leave me alone. It was the year I floated in and out depressive episodes. The year I had to evaluate my friendships and move a lot of people out to stay sane.

2018 was the year I lost my desire to create anything. For months, I’d sit and stare at my computer screen for hours and then go away without being able to write a single word. I stopped coding and pulled the plug on all my projects, no explanations given. I was unable to show up for a lot of people. I lost my faith. The star student of my department, I was seriously struggling with school and constantly thinking of dropping out. I am still unable to completely understand how and why it all happened, and yet I am glad it did.

Burning out like I did forced me to evaluate so many of my life choices and start making changes. I realized that I had been taking on so much and pushing myself so hard that I suddenly lost sight of me. Everyone around me has so much high expectations of me and because of that I hold myself and everything I do to even higher standards that when I finally couldn’t achieve something, I failed to show myself grace. And when I fell, I didn’t have an immediate support system to hold me up. It was all darkness and tears.

This year, I started making deliberate efforts to care for myself. I walked away from a lot of friendships and started looking for my people. I found them. Offline, I’m surrounded by a group of strong men and women who always try their best to show up for me. And online, I’m finally back to this loving community that always reminds me that I have what it takes to create change right where I am.

One of the few goals I set for myself this year was to create, as much as possible. I wasn’t looking for masterpieces. I just wanted to find my writing voice and other mediums through which I could express my passion for creating the beauty I want to see in the world. Because I know what it feels like to be unable to create. And I am doing that now. Just creating, and everything is right with the world.

At school I banded together with some like-minded people to whom I could express my fears and anxieties and everyone could add to one another, unlike before when I was carrying to whole group on my shoulders. It felt so good to finally be among people who understood the crazy mental challenge that is university, who didn’t make me feel like I had no right to say I was under pressure. I’m glad to be standing next to these people as I finally round up with school in a few months.

Above all, I had to constantly remember to be graceful to myself even in moments of failure and setbacks. Slowly but surely, I’m getting there.

Lost myself, found myself. Finally found my way back here too. I’ve toyed with the idea of writing this article for months but tonight, I’ll just sit here and do it. I hope it inspires someone to let go a bit and take care of themselves. And if you’re not in the best of places right now, I’m sending you love and light. Better days are coming.