How we promote sexism and set up our girls for abuse

By Kingsley Obom-Egbulem

Since she was born, we've inundated her with advice and counsel about being a dutiful wife,preparing for a man who is just growing without any grooming. Every decision she takes is meant to be in preparation for her so called HUSBAND-a husband who may never be irresponsible enough to respect and honour her as a wife.

We told her:

"You need to look beautiful for your HUSBAND, so he doesn't go running after other women".

" When your HUSBAND comes back from work, please always ensure his food is ready and boil water for him to have his bath".

"Come and join me in the kitchen, you need to learn how to cook so that when you marry you can take care of your HUSBAND and make him look healthy "

" You have a bachelor's degree, now you want to study for a Master's degree, next thing you say you want to study for your doctorate. Take it easy please, else you won't find a HUSBAND to marry "

" You dont have respect at all, you can't greet people, you lack simple courtesy. No MAN would marry you if continue like this o"

Who is talking to her future husband?

" Feed your HUSBAND very well o, so your In- laws don't complain that you're starving him, he mustn't look lean".

"Please hold your HUSBAND very well, there are no more men in town any more o".

"No matter how tired you're please make sure you satisfy your HUSBAND at night otherwise you might lose him to other women".

"You must respect your HUSBAND'S family especially your mother in law, you know she's now your mother and you are her daughter ".

" Stop being "too forward" and aggressive if you need a HUSBAND, men don't like women who are too aggressive o ".

WHO is taking to her future husband?

" Whatever your HUSBAND does, please don't bother yourself yourself, just pray to God when you are sad and God will touch his heart"

"If he beats you it's not because he doesn't love you just that he's really angry, don't feel bad, that's how MEN are.Its because he loves you thats why he can beat you ".

"Why wont your HUSBAND beat you, when you run your mouth anyhow, don't you know he's a man and you don't talk to a man like that?"

"If you catch your HUSBAND with another man ,don't disturb yourself too much. That's how they are - all men are like that, sometimes they just want to taste another soup.At least he still loves you else he would have married a second wife".

WHO is talking to her future husband?

"We want you to marry as a virgin o, please don't disgrace us so that your HUSBAND and his people would know that we raised you well ".

" So he raped you, how can you say that?Are you not his property? How can you say such rubbish,? Everything you have belongs to your HUSBAND and he has the right to you anytime,anywhere, anyhow ".

" Did you say your boy friend forced his way into you and raped you? By the way, you this stupid and useless girl, why won't he rape you when you go about dressed like a prostitute ".

" Your useless daughter forced herself on my son after sleeping around with several boys now she's pregnant and wants to force it on my son. Never ".

" Make sure your first child is a male child o. Once you give your HUSBAND a male child then you secure your place in your his house,otherwise you're still a 'stranger'.

"Haba, how can you buy a car and rent a flat to stay on your own,dont you want to settle down? Are you not planning to marry? SUITORS would think you are wayward, irresponsible girl. You wont find a HUSBAND o".

Again I ask, WHO is talking to her future husband?

Are you surprised why we are where we are today?

If these are the junks we've fed our girls - our daughters, the wives of today,why are we wondering about the rising state of domestic abuse and the growing popultion of women in shelters?

Imagine if we reframed these statements from a truly redemptive perspective and use it to train our boys about women ? Can you imagine how much impact it would make in our family life?

On a lighter note, has it ever crossed your mind, that there are no teenage fathers like we have teenage mothers and teenage pregnancy? So what's the opposite of teenage pregnancy and teenage mother?

Would you be kind enough to share the answer with your son?

Please do!

Because, we really need to start taking to our daughters' future husbands- they are actually the boys in your lives Now!