Pushed to the wall: When violent,abusive men turn caring women into 'villains'

By Kingsley Obom-Egbulem

\"Why do men enjoy abusing women? \"

That was exactly how the lady coined the question as we discussed on Sunday,August 16,2016. Responding to questions like this is like trying to explain to a 4 year old child what happened to her pregnant mom that get her tommy so big.

So, I looked at the lady and said \"the question is not even enjoy the question is why do men abuse women in the first place.The issue of enjoying it or not enjoying it as a debate for another day\".

Her friend had just moved out of her husband's house after enduring four years of physical,sexual and emotional abuse.

The height of the abuse was an incident that happened the week before our conversation.

The guy had gone to pick their son(and second child) from the creche and noticed a mark on the boy's face. Rather than ask the child minders or the people in charge of the creche he left quietly,got home and accused his wife of being stupid enough to take \"his son\" to a creche run by 'stupid people' and now the boy has been injured.

After four years of enduring insults from the man,the lady apparently had reached boiling point and was no longer in the mood for further insults.

\"What is the right thing to do when a father picks up his son from the creche and found out has a wound on his face?\", the woman asked albeit sarcastically.

\"If I were the one who picked the boy, I would have asked the people running the creche and try to find out what happened to our son instead of coming here to bark and ask questions\".

And what followed those words usual were kicks,slaps,punches...and in no time bottles and gadgets were flying around the house,some landing on heads,faces and arms.

The lady had grabbed an empty bottle of beer close by immediately the husband slapped her and stabbed him around his shoulder and pulled the bottle down his back which not only left a deep cut but a long one that extended down to the middle of his back.

For the first time in their life as a \"couple\",the woman was fighting back and didn't care if she lost her life this time. She wanted to prove a point that violence after all was not the exclusive right of anyone.

Sensing that his wife was obviously in a killer mood ,the man ran away. But before he returned ,the woman had packed her clothes and a few of the things she could gather and left for her father's house.

I told my lady friend that from my findings, I think we should start studying why some men don't or cant abuse women because I have since concluded that most men are raised to abuse women. I have since concluded that the way boys are raised,whether in India,South Africa, England, US, Nigeria or Mexico it can only lead us to one thing-abuse of and violence against women. Period.

There's something wrong with the way boys are socialised to believe that they are better than girls...parents often demonstrate this skewed attitude even at home. Shouldnt we consider parenting as factor in ending violence against women? i think we should. But Im not sure the UN and other multi-lateral organisations funding gender based issues including programmes aimed at ending violence against women would want to agree with me. Truth is both the perpetrator and victim of abuse came from homes and were shaped in homes. And sometimes, they run back home when the abuse and violence have reached combustible point. Why then are we shying away from addressing this critical unit of society-the home? Or is it like the ICRC-efficient in helping victims of wars and armed conflicts but not able to intervene before the war begins or not doing much at peace time to help people nip these wars in the bud.

I dont know what you guys think? I'll love to read your take and inputs.

Thanks.

Kingsley Obom-Egbulem