Always hope and light at the end of the tunnel day -- My real story. Who am I

Latkader
Posted September 6, 2021

Until last week I felt like the most useless soul living on this Earth. Then one of my friend gave me a link and I joined this group.  My name is Naz Kader. Grew up in a staunch family just me and my sis. She was always my parents favourite and I.was always made to feel like a step child. Can you believe from the time I came to understand life till I moulded myself into a young woman I yearned for true love from my parents but was always denied. Being the eldest in a middle class family I had to.make sacrifices. My mum used to always be ill. She was diabetic, with pressure and also on depression meds. I sacrificed my university so my kid sis 8 years younger cud go to.university thinking that one day she will make something for both of us and we will live the best siblings life together.

Then came pressure of marriage from the family. Anyway things at home were was far worse, would get a beating daily from my parents that I must settle down. Or maybe my answer for rejecting so many proposals was cos I had someone in.secret. But all misconceptions were made where I.finally found a friend whom i worked with and we fell in love. For the first time I felt happy and fulfilled

We married but my parents was not too happy as he was not their dream son in law. Here again I thought one day things will change and this is my soulmate. But life had other plans. 

The first four years of my marriage was the best and I had my 2 boys. Then life took a turn for the worse. I went to his country to visit his parents for the 1st time as he was a foreigner and he also married and wanted to introduce us to his family

Here again I received another blow as my expectations were crushed yet again. His parents hated me as I did not come from a rich family. Moreover I did not have a title to my name like doctor or no bank balance or neither extremely fair-skinned like their country females. The 3 months I spent in his hometown was a nightmare. They asked him to leave me and my 2 boys at the airport back to South Africa and he was asked to settle with someone else in his country but he refused. Sometimes I asked myself now why he refused then.

Anyway, we returned to South Africa in 1994. Then the worse years of my life began. But firstly my sis graduated and settled down with my best friend's nephew. It was a grand thing for my parents as she was always the favourite. The wedding was huge. 

I started work at a very well-renowned hospital as an admin clerk. I opted to work night shift so I cud take care of the kids during the day. My mum used to take care of them now and then but when I cud not give them money they wud leave my kids by the neighbour. I loved my children. They were mine. My own.

My husband on the other hand started becoming very abusive both physically, mentally and emotionally.  He stopped doing things in the home. My salary was too little to manage with 2 kids. I used to work double shifts take loans from banks so my kids were given the best life possible. 

But all the sacrifice in vain. I lived in an abusive relationship for the sake of my kids for 22 years. My sister's behaviour changed completely after I lost my mum. For her, her world revolved around her in-laws and husband. She used to visit witch doctors. She did a lot of voodoo and started believing in such things. My husband tormented me even more telling me that even my sister despised me yet I sacrificed so much for her. I still overlooked it thinking hey blood is thicker than water.

In 2010 I lost my mum. My sister accused me of virtually killing my mum as she was admitted to the hospital I worked at. I was physically abused by my sister in front of my work colleagues. I beared all the humiliation only to become a real mockery to my husband and kids.

I did not know what my kids started to think of me. But I always tried to see the good in people.  Hubby used to go every 2 years to his hometown with thousands of dollars whilst I used to be left alone home to fend for my kids and myself. I.worked and look after my kids. In 2012 I went to book for a tubular ligation and to add to the nightmare the ultrasound showed me pregnant with my 3rd child. I bowed down and asked God why now when my boys are all grown up in their teens. Besides I was on the pill and had no signs and symptoms of pregnancy.  Periods were also normal. My husband asked me to abort but I could not bring myself to do so. I am a mother and to a mother her children is the world and besides I did not want my kids to live the same life I had. So in 2012 my youngest one was born. He was so special. He gave me a reason to smile again. I decided to resign and invest in my own catering business so I could have more time to spend with my kids .

Things got worse when I resigned. 

My marriage was a disaster.  I had to get an interdict due to constant abuse. I had no one to go to as my dad and sister was never there for me. My dad had found a woman younger than my sis. 

I just got more and more muddled. Then in 2016 I saw a bit of light I got a job at a doctors rooms. I had to leave the boys and used to go to work but we managed as I earned a decent salary. By the way the funds I received from my previous job was used up by my husband and then he became the normal monster. 

Up until 2018 things was ok only to realize my practice manager was my sister's best friend. My sister started filling them with the misconception that I was doing black magic to. her.  Yes can u believe in this day and time she made my life a living hell. I was asked to resign. So I did. I could not take life anymore.  I tried too many times to commit suicide but to no avail. IT WAS LIKE GOD DID NOT WANT ME TO DIE. Everyday I asked myself why then I started on antidepressants and my sister had contact with my kids. My 2 boys are now 18 and 19. You won't believe what they told me last Friday.

I was the most pathetic mum. They feel ashamed to be with me. I am a pig and deserved death. 

That's when I said stop. This is not for me.  Cos even tho I was jobless I visited the homes and organisation daily got hampers distributed to underprivileged.  Here I gained inner peace. I started community work and dedicated my life to helping abused females in the community yet in my own home my kids called me a Pig and they were ashamed of my existence. I gave so much to them.  My whole life so they had a perfect life. Now that I organised their bursaries I was no longer needed. I still have my 8-year-old to take care of. 

THAT'S WHEN MY FRIEND BASHUDA MODAK CAME THRU FOR ME SENT ME A LINK TO THIS PLATFORM. 

NOW I SAID TO MYSELF I WILL LIVE FOR MYSELF NOW. 

Do things for my happiness. Live for myself and inner peace. That's the hope I want to give to the females who come from underprivileged homes that don't do what I did. There is no Prince charming out there and no happily ever after.  It's what you choose to make with your life. You choose humiliation antidepressants and a horrid life filled with grief. 

Or you choose to be happy by finally choosing your own happiness over others. 

My advice to all females is u matter. Yes u do and you are somebody. Never belittle yourself in your own eyes and lose your self-respect and self-esteem.  It's going to be a hard road but this time I feel I chose right. Myself and only me matters and how I can help make that difference to someone else from repeating my mistakes. 

TODAY MY SISTERHOOD THERE IS NO FAMILY OR KIDS . EVERYONE IS SELFISH. SO U CHOOSE TO BECOME SELFISH TO BE HAPPY........WELL THAT'S MY STORY...

GODBLESS........LUV NAZ

 

This story was submitted in response to The Real Me.

Comments 12

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Jill Langhus
Sep 08
Sep 08

Hello Naz, Dear,

Thank goodness for dear, Basudha. You are home, and in the right place, love. Your wounds can start to heal now, and you will regain your confidence, and start loving yourself so that you can create healthy boundaries around yourself so that others (no matter who they are) won't hurt you anymore. I'm sorry you've gone through so much, but I must say you're very optimistic and resilient to have gone through all that you have. It's very true that once you start to love yourself others will start to treat you with the respect you deserve. Unfortunately, this is the way it works, and if there are still negative people in your life, cut them out. (That's my advice anyway, and I wouldn't normally impose this on someone. This is entirely up to you. In my experience, this is what I've known to work, but it's much easier said than done.)

Also, you can start to heal your wounds, look at the abandonment from your family members and forgive them, and yourself (for anything you believe you have done) that contributed to where you're at now. It's a process but one that's deeply rewarding.

You are definitely inspiring others that have chosen the same, or similar, path to you, by showing up and telling your vulnerable story. Keep telling it. It will heal you, and so many others.

XX

Latkader
Sep 28
Sep 28

Already on my journey of healing. Have my ups and downs. But now have the powerful energy to overcome and fight it as it pops up..

Jill Langhus
Sep 29
Sep 29

Great to hear:-) Yes! That's understandable, and great to hear that you're aware.

Thank God you are beginning to love yourself more. You are in the right place. Wishing you all the best.

Latkader
Sep 08
Sep 08

Thank you my sister. I took some time out to realise my true worth. Infact read my this afternoon's post, u will realise what I mean. GODBLESS U TOO . LUV AND HUGS

Sep 09
Sep 09
This comment has been removed by the commenter or a moderator.
Nini Mappo
Sep 09
Sep 09

Welcome to World Pulse Naz :)
It is wonderful that you could find this sisterhood, have the boldness to share your heartbreaking story of hope and betrayal, then rejection, and invite us to embrace you with our thoughts and words.
I am sorry that you have had to endure so much:/, and in your pain I also see the hope that every woman has: to nurture her live treasures and keep her family together. It can be infuriating to endure so much in order to give so much only to be cast out and spat on. I'm sorry sis, but I celebrate your courage and freedom in your being here now.

And no, I wouldn't say that you are being selfish, and I don't think we need to be selfish in order to be happy. Sometimes when hope is very great, it can make us blind to loss, injustice, or imposibilities, so we keep investing. We keep watering a dead tree because we're stuck with the image of when it was budding with young leaves and the promise to shade us and give us fruit.
So perhaps when you realised your identity and worth were not tied up with having a family, you let go of that hope, and for the first time your eyes opened to acknowledge that the tree has been dead all along.
And as the wise woman you are, of course you stopped watering that tree and embraced self-care. Bravo!!
Besides, I believe it is next to impossible for a woman as giving as you to be selfish. You are already finding other fruiting trees to water with your community involvement because those inhumane people who hurt you cannot poison your precious heart with their cruelty. And as you say, life is what you make it and going forward, I'm sure that you are going to make something genuine, whole, and beauitiful!

Go girl, we're here to cheer you on :)
With love and hugs in sisterhood,
Nini

Latkader
Sep 09
Sep 09

Thank you immensely my sister for your support and courage. It's thru people like you I got the courage to come out of the dead and relive my life. GODBLESS YOU TRULY

Leonida Odongo
Sep 11
Sep 11

Dear Naz,

You are a powerful and strong women.Let not the past define your future .You shall overcome .

Best

Leonida

Latkader
Sep 11
Sep 11

U are right my sister . And yes I will overcome that pain and triumph. With this platform it's made me change my whole perspective and I know now I can make that difference to other females ....... LUV NAZ.....

Beth Lacey
Sep 22
Sep 22

Welcome. Here you will find many who will fit you up when you need it. You DO matter!

Tamarack Verrall
Sep 28
Sep 28

Dear Naz,
The more I read about what you have been through, the more I celebrate that thanks to our sister Bashuda and to your own self understanding the injustice of the treatment you have received as a woman, you have found World Pulse. I hope that the empowerment of telling your story so completely is flowing over you now like a beautiful waterfall of love. love for yourself that you managed to hold onto through all of this horrendous, undeserved and violent treatment, and through the trust you held onto, sometimes by a thread, of the true, loving, generous and beautiful "you". What a celebration that you are here with us all now.