Posted June 9, 2019 from Nigeria

Physical abuse is common in homes and relationships. Often in relationships, the victim thinks the perpetrator would change over time because it is all about a push or a slap. And due to the strong warm feelings they have towards the abusers, they become a Bartimeaus in the relationships until they are married before they hear the Saviour passing while they shout for help. It is important to know that physical abuse is not a mistake on the path of the abuser or perpetrator.

Physical abuse is a deliberate act. It is intentional. It is purposeful. It is not accidental but an intentional act which causes trauma or injury to the victim by bodily contact. Its means of causing trauma or injury is through bodily contact not words. Anybody ranging from men, women to children can be a victim of this abuse. When women, children and men are beaten, being kicked, pushed, choked or punched by their partners or siblings or parents, it is said to be an abuse and it's very wrong. It is not right! According to UN women, it is estimated that of the 87,000 women who were intentionally killed in 2017 globally, more than half (50,000- 58 per cent) were killed by intimate partners or family members, meaning that 137 women across the world are killed by a member of their own family every day. More than a third (30,000) of the women intentionally killed in 2017 were killed by their current or former intimate partner. To bring it home, we'd be looking at domestic violence because it's a form of physical violence.

Wikipedia defines Domestic violence (also named domestic abuse or family violence) as a violence by one person against another in a domestic setting, such as in marriage or cohabitation. It may be termed Intimate Partner Violence when committed by a spouse or partner in an intimate relationship against the other spouse or partner, and can take place in heterosexual or same-sex relationships, or between former spouses or partners. It's highly unthinkable to think of abusing the one you claim to love physically. What happened to the love you sang all over them a minute ago?

Perpetrators think they are entitled to abusing their partners. They believe it is a right because maybe, they paid the bride price or dowry, therefore, they are entitled to abusing them, physically. Where do we get this from if it's not a way of thinking and a belief system of the perpetrators? Is it innate to be abusive?

“He isn’t abusive because he's angry, he is angry because he is abusive", Lundy Bancroft, a domestic violence expert who has worked with male perpetrators for over thirty years said. Anger is not an excuse for being abusive. If it is, we all would be abusive! He also said all violent men think the same. Their thinking is made up of entitlement, disrespect and objectification of women.

Some men think women are just objects for their sexual satisfaction and kitchen matters. Therefore, they abuse them if they deny them sex or food, most especially. Why would you think a woman is meant for your sexual satisfaction alone? Is it not supposed to be mutual? Why are they seen as sex objects? In other words, it is how an abuser thinks that causes violent behaviour. Attitudes and perceptions become the catalyst by which perpetrators practise and sustain violence. Hence, it is intentional.

Men who don't respect women tend to abuse them and vice-versa. The abusers have no regard for their partners. They place little or no respect on them. They believe they are entitled to abusing them because they are responsible for everything in the house not excluding their partners. Abusing them is a way of getting what they want, hence, they intend on doing that.

Domestic violence is intentional. Perhaps, the perpetrators know that the victims wouldn't do anything after all because in marriage, it is their cross and in relationships, they are blinded by love and a plea would change their minds. For this cause, they keep abusing them.

In reference to Medicinetnet, intimate partner abuse is a major public health problem, due to its affecting more than 2 million women and 800,000 men and resulting in homelessness, injury, or death of victims, billions of dollars in health care costs, and lost work productivity. Hence, women are mostly victims of this abuse which causes death as seen in the statistics above.

Worldwide, In respect to WHO, men who were exposed to domestic violence as children are 3-4 times more likely to perpetrate intimate partner violence as adults. This shows how the cycle continues. It is passed down as a culture to generations because the would-be perpetrator has seen that violence overtime is the only way to getting what they want. Hence, they are deliberate about being violent through bodily contact. It is expedient to know that domestic violence doesn't happen by mistake no matter how angry they are because they are products of values and beliefs. Those two factors constrain them. They limit their actions.

Nobody is born violent. Everyone is a tabula rasa, clean slate at birth. Our cultures, experiences, beliefs and values learnt, experienced and adopted over time make and affect us. They make us what we are and they would continue to make us, except we adopt new ones which keep making us. They have nothing to do with being male, female or intersex. Therefore, domestic violence can be done away with completely.

We'd be looking at the causes and effects of physical violence in the next post. Thank you for following.

Comments 3

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Jun 09
Jun 09

I like the questions that you asked in this post. I hope it was not personal questions or was it? I am so sorry if it was a personal experience that you shared.
You must have gone through a lot then? Hope you are doing fine? Please take care of yourself.

Hello, Latoria,

Thank you for sharing about physical abuse and domestic abuse. I agree that we all have a clean slate as children. These abusive men need to heal their wounds before entering a relationship or getting married so they do not become monsters to their wives. Not an easy cycle to break. :(

Jill Langhus
Jun 10
Jun 10

Hi Latoria,

Thanks for shedding light/awareness on this topic. I am impressed once again that you have focused not just on women who are victims, but also men. While it's not as prevalent for men, it's still an issue globally, and it's yet again another look at how children are being raised and also what children are being subjected to, i.e., the media, video games, porn, etc., that shape their minds and create their future and relationships that needs to be reviewed and addressed, as you have basically stated above. I do hope that you didn't have an abusive upbringing? If so, let us know how we can help.