Posted July 4, 2019 from Nigeria

My brother's girlfriend doesn't like initiating sex. And whenever he initiates it, she, first off, wouldn't give consent until the third time. He doesn't know why she does this all the time but he feels that's how girls are. They want to be coerced!

Tunde, my friend met a girl two weeks ago. Last weekend, he invited her over. The first night after clubbing, he didn't initiate sex because they both were drunk. Although, she wanted it, Tunde understood that she wasn't sane enough to give consent, hence, he didn't initiate it. The following night, Saturday, they were so intimate that they smooched and when it was time for sex, the lady told him not to. Being the gentleman Tunde was, he stopped although he felt bad and disappointed. The last day, Sunday morning, he didn't attempt kissing her or something. The girl left later in the evening.

Around 8pm that Sunday, Tunde received a message from the girl. It reads, 'Are you really a man? I thought you invited me for sex or something but you didn't even attempt it with me. Bye! Block my number'. 

Oh, you are surprised? How complicated could women get? Women are confused set of humans? Well, Tunde couldn't contain his surprises and feelings, he had to share it with me, his friend. He was like, 'Why do women love being coerced? Now, when we force it, they tag it rape...'. 

I had to come in there. I believe some people don't understand what rape is. Rape doesn't happen when you want it and are shy to admit it or you want to be coerced before having it with your partner so that he won't label you cheap or whatever it is. I mean you want it but because of gender roles and detrimental stereotypes attached to the situation, you prefer being coerced! You see how complicated it becomes? 

The gender role here is that the man must be the one to initiate sex. The stereotype is that the lady must prove too hard to get. Also, if she easily concurs, she is cheap! How detrimental! You see where the problem comes from? Women can't express themselves well. Their body languages speak what their voices do not echo. Hence, the boys believe that when a woman says no, she means yes or maybe. If she says maybe, she means yes and if she says yes, she means it. Isn't it high time we restructured gender roles and stopped attaching a woman's worth on a hymen or whatsoever? 

Patriarchy justifies men's actions. It says, 'you are a man, you can go Scot free; Only men cheat, if the lady is found cheating, it's a shame and very disgusting. She has used her body and she's now seen as useless.' I don't get it! What makes the females useless? Did she do it all alone? Why should a man cheat? Is it biological to cheat? What about the man who has sex all around? Is he not as useless as the lady who uses her body, if at all having sex around makes you useless? And this system over time has made the women timid. They can't just say what they want freely and clearly. They are scared to be labelled cheap, hence, they prefer to be coerced even if they are in dire need of it! How interesting the patriarchy system is. Can't we all express ourselves freely? 

It's cultural for a man to have sex all around. I mean we don't talk to the boys when it comes to messing around with girls but we talk so much to the girls on decency and modesty. You are a girl, you shouldn't be messing around. What about the men? Why don't we talk to them also not to mess around? You see what patriarchy does? For my religious folks, where is it in your holy book that a man can mess around? Where is it in the holy book that a man can mess around but a woman is less a human the moment she starts messing around? Don't get me wrong! I'm not supporting this, I only am trying to let you see how culture, what we do over time, has exalted patriarchy making a woman feel less a human whenever she initiates sex or gives consent easily or timely. That is the problem. Patriarchy. 

Moreover, religion has done more harm than good to the country, most especially, in a country like Nigeria where laws and rules are based on religion. We are too gullible to hearing without questioning to know and understand. We just hear it and that's final! Being submissive doesn't mean the man should go about messing around. A man who loves his woman wouldn't mess around. A husband who loves his wife wouldn't hurt his wife and the likes. When we talk so much on wives submitting to their husbands, do we also talk so much on husbands loving their wives? Patriarchy won't let us think straight. Gender roles and stereotypes won't make us think like human beings and religion make us believe that men are right even when they are conspicuously wrong! 

Do women love to be coerced before having sex? No, they don't love it. They wish they could initiate sex. They wish they could freely express themselves. However, they can't, hence, they prefer being coerced than being labelled cheap. Most importantly, not all women fall into this category. 

The solution to this is restructuring gender roles and be ridding gender stereotypes. By the way, yes is yes. No is no! One of my male friends when asking for his opinion regarding this issue said and I quote, 'Culture made it so. Religion strengthens it. Patriarchy has ensured to keep it that way'. Until we change the stories, we can't change the culture. 

Thank you for following. 

Comments 5

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Hello, Latoria,

As women we are different in every way. We cannot and should not speak of generalizations because we are not a one-size-fits-all bunch. With sex, there are many factors involved why a woman says yes or no at a given moment. What is true for one woman may not be true to another because we are a spectrum of personalities.

Perhaps a woman was having her period or PMS when her boyfriend wanted to have sex with her? Or maybe something he did upset her that day. Women’s emotions are tied to her agreement to surrender her body to her man. If she feels loved, she says yes. If not, she’d probably say not now. We are a complex being.

Let’s seek to understand your brother’s sister and your friend’s sister. We really don’t know what their thought processes were during those times.

You’ve shared good points here, too. Thank you for sharing!

Jill Langhus
Jul 04
Jul 04

Hi Latoria,

Thanks for sharing another thought-provoking post. I don't think you mean "coerce," though, surely? Do you mean cajoled or convinced? I hope they don't feel forced or manipulated. I do agree that there is a big double standard for women initiating versus men initiating sex that needs to change. The right to initiate should go both ways, and I don't really feel that women are complex as such they just want different things than men. It's been another way to demean women by saying their complex, by comparing us to male standards and desires.

Jul 12
Jul 12

Thanks for sharing, however i think I also got a little confused with the wording of the titled...

Beth Lacey
Aug 19
Aug 19

Yes, we are all different and none of us where in the room when these things happened, so it's hard to form a point of view......

Anita Shrestha
Oct 14
Oct 14

Women must be strong as you