Posted July 21, 2019 from Nigeria

I was thinking of what to write today when one of my roommates asked if there was a relationship between rape, premarital sex and the society. I was about to give a response when my other roommate answered. I didn't get the response though. So, I replied yes, the society supports rape through victim-blaming. And everyone in the room affirmed that. One of my roommate's friends explained how someone reported a rape case to the police and how they started asking her dumb questions like, 'What did you wear? What were you doing outside? What were you doing with him?...'. Another person said something regarding premarital sex and marital rape. This is what I want to discuss today! Marital rape.

I know what you're thinking right now. Yeah! Rape in marriage? Rape in relationships? I thought if both agreed to marry, they could have sex anytime... Pause. I mean go back to your last thought, ...both agreed to marry, they could have sex... That's it. They both agreed to marry and everything they'd do is based on agreement ranging from the spiritual, cuisine, financial, sexual to every area of life. For example, before a meal is prepared, both of them would have agreed to eat a particular meal. Also, both of them would have agreed to save some money for the upkeep of the children which would guide them on how to spend. What makes you think sex is an exception in marriage?

According to Wikipedia, marital rape or spousal rape is the act of sexual intercourse with one's spouse without the spouse's consent. The lack of consent is the essential element and need not involve physical violence. Marital rape is considered a form of domestic violence and sexual abuse. You still don't believe in marital rape as a crime? I'd illustrate.

Tobi is a husband who believes that everything should be and must be taken forcefully or violently. He believes that since he is the head, he can get whatever he wants from his wife without seeking her opinion or consent. He beats up his wife whenever she doesn't deliver food on time and whenever she tries to give her opinion on a matter, he silences her and reminds her of whom he is, the head! The bed is not an exception. He initiates sex always like a night without sex would kill him. Whenever she disagrees, he beats her up and has it forcefully... What would you say regarding this? It's her cross, she should endure it? That's not marital rape?

Here is another story. Amaka has a husband who provides for the house and pay the bills. However, he abuses her psychologically because that's how real men do. He shouts at her and calls her names. There's nothing she does that pleases him. He believes real men show dominance in everything they do not excluding the bed. Hence, he demands for sex harshly while playing on her emotions which irks her. He doesn't show remorse. He just forcefully has sex with her by saying stuff like how he pays for this and that making her feel useless indirectly. She does try to avoid him but it doesn't work out! He always has his way!

Sex is supposed to be mutual. It's supposed to be consensual. It should be something both partners look forward to not what one just wants to greedily have while the other shies away from because they feel used, unloved, not respected and the likes.

Somebody would say, 'woman, he is your husband, you should submit to him. He owns your body!' Excuse me, is he not her husband? Does she not own his body as well? Is he not supposed to love her? Is love violent? Does love hurt? Before you say submit, check if the man loves! And you don't expect a woman to endure a violent home! Come on, marriage should be enjoyed. Even if you don't have enough at home, you understand that both of you are together in whatever situation it is. That is love. It's different from being selfish and violent and calling it ego or being a man.

It's understandable when a partner gives reasons why they don't want it, however, when it becomes an excuse to avoiding it, then, there is something wrong. Perhaps, the man is just selfish. That is, he just penetrates without the foreplay and the likes or the woman is using it as a way of punishing him for an offence he committed. Hence, there should be constant communication between the couple and both of them should be open to each other. Sex is not forceful or violent. It is mutual. Whatever makes sex violent or non-consensual is no longer sex but rape.

Rape in relationships is not just right but a crime. If your spouse is denying you of sex, check it. Ask questions. Be free. It's a damn relationship for crying out loud! Do try to avoid marital rape in your home today and in the nearest future. A violence-free world begins with you.

Thanks for following.

Comments 5

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Jill Langhus
Jul 22
Jul 22

Hi Latoria,

How are you doing? Thanks for sharing your compelling post about marital rape, and bringing more awareness around the issue. I agree with you that there is no reason for violence, whatever the reason, and, yes, couples need to communicate more.

Hope you're having a good day, and week:-)

Marie Abanga
Jul 22
Jul 22

Dear Latoria,
I love this post, I was a victim of marital rape up to bleeding and being hospitalized, my last child I don't know how I conceived - as simple and painful and straight as that. But the penal code in my country doesn't consider that as a crime, and of course society doesn't even want to hear about it. Are we therefore to shun such taboo topics too? oh no.
Keep it up dearie, thank you for being a voice of the voiceless too

Aug 09
Aug 09

Oh so sad to hear this Sister Marie, you might have felt horrible puha. Wow, so it did happen in marriages?

Somebody you love why should you rape her? Hmm, I so sorry for you going through this act.

Hello, Latoria,

This “submit to your husband” has somehow been used as a permission for abuse. Thanks for sharing so strongly against rape in relationships!

Tamarack Verrall
Aug 08
Aug 08

Hi Latoria,
Once again you have brought into the room an open and honest look at what opinions and actions are behind rape within marriages. You have said what needs to be said, and offered some good solutions, too. One effective and supportive action member can do, is speak out, including bringing awareness to police and justice courts.