Finding my Sexuality (The Untold Story)

Latoria
Posted October 19, 2019 from Nigeria

Ada's chest is quite fuller than a congo of rice poured on my palms. Her tight sleeveless black top reveals the shape of the two big round oranges which look quite succulent on her chest. They are not bent like the crushed citrus which juice has been spilled and marched by the village women buying and selling in the market square. They seem fresh—directly plucked from the tree—full and firm.

I open my wide and wild eyes as they run through her body. How seducing! Ada is my mate. How could she have grown so big in the right places?  You need to see her on her tight short jean and her tight sleeveless top. Her short is way above her knee. It looks like a bum shot but it is a little longer.  She gracefully sways the same hips which had caused commotion yesterday among the brotherhood.  The beards whispered and watched her closely from behind. They couldn't get their eyes off her thin waist which causes a promising future behind her. How could she have grown so attractive to cause a big commotion among those who watched her play on pants on the street and in the market square before she left for the city to study?

Mama has been singing my name in the house for some time now. I am absentminded of the things happening around me. Two hot slaps from her land on my back which resuscitate my mind. It dawns on me that I should have finished sweeping the compound by now. I hold my back with my left hand while I pick the broom with the other. I can't look up to mama. Her face speaks disappointment and fury. 

'I have been barking like a dog since morning in the house. What have you been doing since morning, ehn? ', she draws me closer and wrings my ears like a soaked blouse. 

'You had better be fast and go and fetch the water you would use to cook food for us', she says as she walks away. 

I can't feel my ears. They are hot like a tongue lost in Carolina reaper pepper looking for water in the desert. They are as red as the ripe bell pepper in the kitchen. My back as well as my ears hurt so much for two minutes. I am in tears now. I can't fight them back. How could mama be so inconsiderate to only think of her stomach and not my emotions? I wipe off the tears with the back of my palm and silently sweep the compound. I can't think or say anything. I don't know what to think.  I hurriedly leave for the kitchen to pick up the bucket used for cooking when I unconsciously hit mama on the head. I squirm. I didn't know she was standing before me. I'm restless. I have no explanation to give. I kneel down with my hands forward trying to beg or plead. Yet, I can't utter a word.  My face is expressive enough to tell her how remorse I am. 

'If only you've married Chief, all these things won't be happening. Who are you begging? You had better get up and fetch that water. Stupid girl. All your mates are married but you are the only one who has refused to marry', she hisses and leaves. 

A faint smile lurks at the corner of my lips. I rise to my feet with the bucket because I understand why her temperature has always been boiling above 100 degrees Celsius towards me for a fortnight now. She wants me to get married to one of the richest men in the village. Such charred-skinned old man would do me more harm than good if I mistakenly say yes to him. I had refused his gifts and sworn to stone him if he ever comes looking for me again with mouth-watering wallets or words. I guess he reported me to mama, hence, her attitude towards me has changed. But then, what do I care? I would rather die than get married to such a useless man, I mutter under my breath while I increase my pace. 

I am 21 years old. I look very much beautiful and innocent but I am not naive. I think I am beautiful because the boys in the village hover around me when I am out without mama. I am not so fair in complexion because the melanin hormone in my body is not very dominant. You could see darkness shining through my skin. My skin is a mixture of darkness and light. My face looks alluring and my mouth is the trap which traps the intentionally and unintentionally trapped victims. My lips are somewhat small but cute. Merely observing them would make you crave for the juice secreted by my mouth. And when I choose to widen the lips, your heart melts because the smile that proceeds from my lips which extends through my face to brighten yours is genuine. I love braiding my hair. It gives me the perfect look of a princess when packed into ponytails. 

On getting to the community borehole, I notice that the queue there is way too long. Joining the queue is like pouring water in a basket and expecting it to be filled in no time. On the average, I am sure that the people there are with four buckets of 20 litres volume each. 

Should I return home now? No, mama's fury might be brimmed up and by the time she unleashes it, I might not be able to stand it. Staying on the queue is equivalent to delay and mama might pour her bottled anger on me when I get home. I am confused. I stand there trying to think. Should I plead with them to allow me to fetch? At least, it is just a bucket. They should allow me, I mutter. I am about to move an inch when a dulcet thin voice echoes my name. Are you kidding me right now? I recognise this voice very well. She hasn't forgotten my name!

Ada comes closer and hugs me. Her body smells like roasted goat meat. She wears a beautiful smile and she looks resplendent as ever.  Her breasts come in direct contact with mine as she pins herself to me. I don't want to resist it but we are outside. I quickly create a distance between us and give a welcoming and knowing smile. 

'You wanna fetch water, yes? Why don't you come over to my father's house to fetch? You would wait like forever if you fail to come with me', she doesn't wait for me to respond to her first question before proceeding to the next suggestion. She really is good with words and she sounds so convincing. 

I can't resist her. She talks like Americans. Her English is polished with an accent. There is this smile that comes with every sentence which makes you feel at home. I am dumbfounded. 

'Thanks so much', I smile so heartily that she in return blushes. Although I can hardly see the red stain on her cheeks literally. However, I know she is blushing. 

We walk to her father's house. Luckily, it's a stone throw away from the community borehole. She unlocks and opens the gate and beckons on me to enter. I enter before she does. She closes it gently and unlocks it. 

'You know, we gotta be careful', she whispers. 'Thieves are everywhere even in this small village', she smiles again as her mouth reveals a set of beautiful dentition. 

I only nod while I return the smile. I observe the compound. It is indeed beautiful. The house contains a well-trimmed lawn and three tall mango trees grace the compound. You wouldn't know such a beautiful place exists in the village. 

'This is beautiful', I manage to say.  'Come, check inside', she holds my left hand like an eager child who longs to show their parent the beautiful masterpiece they just concluded in school or at home. 

I feel an adrenaline rush right through my spine to my stomach. The effect that has on my left hand is a slight vibration.  She knows I reacted to her touch but only looks back and smiles ignoring that. She takes the bucket from me and gently puts it down before opening the door.

'Welcome to my dad's crib', she says as she locks the door. 

'Why are you locking the door?', I point to the door with a puzzled face. 

'Thieves', she whispers to my ears gently. 'I guess you haven't had your bath', she unbuttons her tight jeans. 'Do you mind having your bath here?’

Do I smell or is it that I just look dirty? 'I do mind. Thanks.  Would do that when I get home', the words crawl from my mouth. I am relaxed now on the sofa. 

'Okay', she removes her jean and also her tight blouse. 

The house is a magnificent building. It is well spaced and the floors are tiled. I am not good with description but the house is beautiful. It is a bungalow painted in peach and purple. The living room is bigger than my parents' house. It has a wireless cable, a plasma TV and some other intricate features which I can't even describe. The sofas are big and very comfortable. 

'Ada... ', I roll my eyes to find her. I want to compliment the house but am shocked at what I see. 'What are you doing? Are you trying to se...', my instincts cut me short. I am innocent, yes? Stupid thoughts shouldn't ring in my head. But no, I can't behold her partly naked. I am already swimming in the oceans full of honey and 'horny,'. The hair on my skin are rising.

'Honey', she comes closer caressing my ears. 'I am sure you need a bath', she pulls me up and drags me to the bathroom. 

Whatever makes me stand up is simply desire. I have always been craving for this opportunity with my fellow sex-mate and here it stands glaring at me with a wide embrace. I stand by the door watching her remove her pants and bra. Oh heavens!! She indeed is heaven on earth. Where on earth did she get that hot body from? That is too hot a body that it could burn your hands once you touch it! 

'Come on in', she says as she fills the bath tub with water while whining her hips. 

'What manner of madness is this?', I close my eyes to breathe. 'What am I? A dyke?'  I open my eyes to leave. My right hand is already at the door. 

'You can't just leave like this’; she jumps at me trying to fondle my breasts. 'Stay with me', she finds my lips and kisses me. .

My lips are in her mouth. I am not the one doing the kissing. She is. Her tongue wipes away the nervousness on my face. She holds me closer and kisses me deeply and so passionately. I am breathing heavily now. My hands are already on her big breasts. I am fondling them. She gives a light moan. She touches my pant and can feel that I am wet. She makes me lie my back on the floor, takes hold of my skirt and wants to pull it down when I grip her hands. 

'Stop it!' I push her off me while I stand on my feet. 'Why are you full of erotica?' I stagger to catch my breath. 

'I know you want this as much as I do. Why are you holding it back? I know you are not as innocent as you look. I know how you despise men so much just because they always take advantage of you. I know...', her hands are on my shoulder already. She is trying to massage me. 

'Stop it', I cut her short raising my voice unintentionally. 'You know this, you know that. That doesn't mean I know myself. Neither does it mean I have found myself nor want this. Leave me be, would you? ', I leave now. 

She unlocks the door and smiles at me. 'Go, think about it. I know you will come back', she gives me the bucket. 'Oh, it's empty. Could you wait while I fetch it for you?'

I feel more stupid than I have ever felt in the past 21 years. I have always wanted to be this intimate with a girl. I have always wanted to hold and caress someone like me and here is the opportunity to explore. What is wrong with me?

 'Get out!!!', I scare the thoughts out of my head.

'Are you okay? ', she drops the bucket full of water. 

'Yes, I am', I reply with a faint smile. 'Thanks, Ada', I lift the bucket up and put it on my head while she opens the gate for me. 

'I'll be here waiting. Bye!!' she says.

Ada was right when she said I despise men. How I loathe every head with a beard and the scrotum! I can't imagine me dating any of them. They are filthy big creatures who ought to be erased from the earth by tiny little ants. All of them should be erased! These men are evil and selfish. 

'Ada just unlocked my box of remembrance', I tell it out loud to myself. 

I have been a victim of rape and sexual assaults right from when I was five. Papa, before he died when I was 12, had always put his thick middle finger into my vagina. He did that until I was 10. When I clocked 10, Papa made his first attempt to thrust his penis into my vagina. I screamed because I was taught the previous day in school what sex was. Hence, I knew my father had been taking advantage of me before then. I threatened to kill him if he ever tried it and he hated me for that. He would always find fault in everything I did but mama never believed I was at fault because my father was not a faithful husband to her. Although, she didn't know what happened but she knew papa was at fault. 

Also, Okon, chief's ugly first son, wanted to rape me when I was 13. He's short and has a big head with a protruding stomach and bulgy eyeballs. I detest him so much now! Mama had sent me to Chief's house that fateful evening to deliver ugwu vegetables to them. 

Unfortunately, neither Chief nor his late wife was around. Okon was the only one around. He gripped me by the hand forthwith I entered, carried me and dropped me forcefully on the cushion like it was all planned. I lost my strength to the pain in my back. He quickly unzipped and brought out his penis. It was erect and firm. He was looking for my pants when I kicked his penis with the only strength I gathered from my pain. He lost control and screamed and there, I stood up and ran for my life.

 I had three related incidents with a classmate in secondary school, a neighbour and cousin when I was 15 and 16 respectively and those prompted me to hate men so much. I can't even imagine a penis thrusting into my vagina. How disgusting! 

When I clocked 18, I gave my mind to lesbian pornography and illicit videos. I was selective with the porn videos though. I never watched videos related to dildo. It irritated me. I have a phone. Even in the village, we have phones and electricity although not stable but it is quite better. This is a 21st century village. I enjoyed the porn videos I watched alone in my room and sometimes, I masturbated. For three years, I have been craving for the time I'd take vengeance by having sex and foreplay with a woman and today is the day but do I need such vengeance? Does being with a woman mean vengeance? 

I am in the kitchen now. Mama just cooked rice and stew. Two dirty plates are unwashed. Where could mama be? She definitely is not in the living room because I passed through it for the kitchen. Wherever she is, is not my business. I have to take my bath since she has cooked. 

Giggles and chuckles distract me on my way to the bathroom. They were coming from mama's room. Who could be in the room with her? A man? No!  Mama can't do it. I am at the door and now the voice sounds so familiar. 

'It can't be', I giggle distracting myself from the truth. 'Mama can't do this'.

I bang in and am indignant. Chief and mama on the same bed? How gross! Is this why she told me to leave to fetch water early? Perhaps, she knows the queue at the community borehole is long, hence, she was so bent on me leaving. But then, why is she so particular about me marrying chief since she is having an affair with him? I mean they are compatible! 

'Jus-ti-na', mama jumped from the bed trying to look for her wrapper. 'It's not what you think...'

This seems like one of the heartbreaking Nollywood movies where the wife would catch the husband having sex or foreplay with another woman on their matrimonial bed. This is just unbelievable! I am shocked. 

I am not ready for any explanation. I just walk away. I am in the bathroom now. I think men are just appalling. If I don't find a man attractive, then, I can't be with such. I only leave the bathroom having bathed well. 

I put on my black flare short gown and my flat sandals. I look out for a pair of stud on the stool in my room and wear them. I apply white powder and lip gloss. I pack my hair into ponytails and take a good look at my face in the hand mirror. I think I love what I see. I pick up my phone from the stool and leave the house. 

Ada opens the door and hugs me so dearly. She looks at me closely and reads disappointment on my face. She sits next to me and massages my back tenderly. 

'You'd be fine, love. Just relax and feel at home. Do you mind a cup of hot tea? ', she stands up. 

'No, I don't mind. Thank you, dear', I say as she goes to the kitchen. 

Today, I have found myself. My sexuality has been discovered. I feel more comfortable with her than any man. I'm not confused or derailed. I am sane. I want this and will do it with her. 

'Let's do it', I walk up to her and kiss her so passionately. 

'I love you', she says as she looks deeply into my eyes. 

Comments 5

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Jill Langhus
Oct 19
Oct 19

Wow, Latoria! You're so brave and strong for sharing this very vulnerable story. I'm very proud of you! Great job. I'm glad that you're embracing your sexuality, not hiding from it either, and sharing it with others, too.

I hope you're doing well, and having a great weekend.

Tamarack Verrall
Oct 19
Oct 19

Dear Latoria,
In a world which disrespects women and heaps judgement on those of us who find deep love with each other, you have broken through all of the misrepresentation of love between women with this, your beautiful "coming out" story. Deep love between women has always and will always exist. The road to find each other is not easy, and will too often be misunderstood and misinterpreted by those who have been taught that it is wrong. How precious to read about two women finding each other and diving into the freedom to celebrate your love. The freedom for each of us to truly choose our lives is at the base of what we are working toward here together in World Pulse.
With love in sisterhood,
Tam

Anita Shrestha
Oct 20
Oct 20

Thank you for sharing dear

Lisbeth
Oct 20
Oct 20

Dear Latoria,
I was also like wow :-). So an hilarious piece. Aunty Tam has highlighted some of my comments. I encourage you to keep writing you are such an amazing writer.
Have a great weekend and please take good care of yourself.
Hugs dear

Beth Lacey
Nov 15
Nov 15

Quite a love story