The end justifies the means? Socially we would say the process justifies the end.

The well-known economic adage might as well apply to socialization and the impact it has on the development of young people especially girls. Marriage is a key institution in many, if not all, societies. In some societies marriage is seen as a defining marker in the transition from childhood to adulthood[1]. Women in Africa and maybe elsewhere in the world go about living their lives feeling like they are born for a specific purpose – Marriage. We are groomed to be ‘good’ girls and good ‘women’ while in most cases boys are not being groomed to be good husbands. They are instead being groomed to be ‘superior’ to women one may argue, or inadvertedly to be powerful and strong beings who eventually use this superiority to undermine the freedom for girls and women. This attitude enables men to assume a superior role to that of women unprecedentedly, as may be experienced differently depending on which part of the world you may be from. In this respect therefore, from the time a girl is born, her journey towards becoming a wife has been pre-determined, underscoring the possibility that not all girls and women for that matter focus on marriage as a fulfillment or consummation of life, moreover their life’s aspirations are supposedly predetermined by someone else; a girl learns how to cook well, dress well, behave well and is even taught how to sexually please their husbands.

While this goes on informally, evidently, in Uganda particularly among a number of Bantu traditions including some Nilotic traditions girls are deliberately and almost structurally trained to become women with focus on becoming a good wife, every girl would have a ‘Senga’ – aunt or mentor assigned to them from the day they are born. Boys on the other hand are not structurally groomed to become good husbands. This implores huge responsibility for a women in ensuring a successful marriage, it is therefore no wonder that when a marriage fails it’s the woman’s fault. However, routinely spoken remarks are consistently used to assert male dominance, especially in a society that is deeply socialized by strong gender stereotypes. Some commonly spoken phrases that directly point to this superiority include; ‘Men (boys) don’t cry’, ‘Men (boys) are good at Math’s’, ‘Boys (sons) take charge of the family when dad is away, even when a wife is there’ while boys may feel ‘empowered’ by these statements, in reality they end up sometimes having an inverse effect for boys and girls alike.

A Ugandan Pastor, Stephen Kyeyune in his book writes about women who were groomed to be wives. He points out that ‘quietness is considered a virtue. The African women are groomed to think before speaking one writer said that; African men hate words and questions. Not snakes and needles. You can’t be talking all the time. A great woman is one who speaks when it is the right time to speak. And when she does speak, everyone listens to her. If you talk too much you will give up respect’.[2] This view of women, coupled with the submissive nature of religious teachings notwithstanding the nurturing, spiritual fulfillment of religion and the undeniable moral guidance of religious teachings, have not enabled women to explore their full potential in contributing to their own development and that of their society. If women feel silenced or subdued by these kinds of stereotypes, it will take much more effort than usual to first uplift a woman from a point of low self-esteem to a point of ownership and responsibility of their own growth and development. It goes without saying that for any woman who has been able to achieve anything in her own right, is phenomenal, for the fact that it is against many barriers, and constraints that success is achieved, for many.

But is this the aspiration of all women? A predetermined marriage life for a woman is no freedom. What about catholic nuns, do they not transition into adulthood, single women by choice? Why isn’t the transition to adulthood for men based on the same benchmarks? In some societies in East Africa the transition to adulthood for men would be marked by circumcision or moving into his own house etc. but for transition to womanhood, it is without doubt associated with the direct violation of their sexuality, reproduction, marriage - very idiosyncratic in nature as compared to environmental or acquired skills.

‘…gender should be understood as a social, not physiological, construction: Femininity and masculinity, the terms that denote one’s gender, refer to a complex set of characteristics and behaviours prescribed for a particular sex by society and learned through the socialisation process’[3]

In which case unlearning these socialisations that have, in many cases led to the social exclusion of girls and women is possible for as long as there is will, and open-mindedness. It is as much an individual struggle as it is for all women and society in general, to respect and accord due freedoms to human beings regardless of sex.

Girls and women therefore, should rise up to the challenge of asserting their aspirations by seeking to better themselves through education and accessing information, embracing and taking advantage of technology to, where possible have mentors who can accompany them through their individual journeys. Marriage should be one of the aspirations by choice but should not be the goal and purpose of life. There is a lot more to achieve in life individually and communally. It is also a very critical responsibility for fellow women to offer mentorship to girls, it’s not until adulthood for many women, that the realities of seemingly ‘normal’ social exclusion becomes clearly evident to them as injustices hindering their growth and development. Said in rather typical cliché form – enlightenment happens. In the same vein, it is when men become husbands and even more accountable as fathers that the reality of injustices to women and girls in the form of their wives or daughters becomes a reality to them. If it doesn’t happen earlier as brothers, nephews, uncles, grandfathers or sons.

Finally whatever your views on marriage may be, it is undeniably a key social institution with major implications for the accordance of rights and privileges in a particular society[4] and I hope that one day marriage won’t be a the only benchmark for success for women and that women can be recognized for their achievements regardless. Even more importantly, that women can have the choice to be or not to be married without judgment. This therefore requires a balanced and relevant up bringing (socialisation) for both girls and boys as they embark on their journey of self-discovery and searching for meaning and success in life.

[1] http://www.osisa.org/buwa/regional/female-husbands-without-male-wives-wo...

[2] Shaping The Society Christianity And Culture: Special Reference to ..., Volume 2

By Pastor Stephen Kyeyune 31/10/2016

[3] It’s a Man’s World: The Effect of Traditional Masculinity on Gender Equality

AYDON EDWARDS,MAR 29 2015, 15774 VIEWS accessed on 2/11/2016

[4] http://www.osisa.org/buwa/regional/female-husbands-without-male-wives-wo...