The guilt Whistleblower with his darn whistle in my head

It's been a month since I last logged in to World Pulse, one of my favourite safe spaces online. How come I couldn't do a quick hop in when I got the app on my phone he villianly blows? I truly despise his activity and I try to stifle the sound before I bang my head to the wall in utter annoyance.

I can explain, or should I even bother to?

Do you whistleblower in my head even know what am juggling? Does it occur to you that I wouldn't want to just just hop in, but stop by and write, and reply to comments and encourage some too? Maybe a brief reminder of what I have been up to in the last month pretending you don't know although you are lodged where lots of decisions are made 'tschuip - long sigh' 

Remember the MSc and the datelines for the two big project proposals? Remember the kids and Gaby being sick with the ear infection? Remember am a single parent juggling all that? Remember my mum being sick too? Remember my own mind muggles? Come on now should I go on?

And here is where I might just breaksdown and beg you to leave me alone; it's not easy juggling it all and finding time for self and not being scared of what the kids are getting into when you are not paying attention.

Imagine the terror of a mum gunned down by her own first womb fruit who had slipped into drugs! 

Imagine the horror of finding out your son was getting addicted to porn right under your own roof!

Imagine the embarrassent of not being invited to your sibling's marriage for reasons you can only suspect!

Imagine the pain you feel that you can't once again make it to a sorority function - a sister's marriage, a family burial, a child's baptism...all because you already got too much going on, are scared of the pandemic and low in cash!

So dear you whistleblower with that your darn whistle in my head, you either lower your sound or get lost for real. My World Pulse family understand, am not even the only one with such a story.

I will use my voice and speak of my vulnerability but I will remain authentic in the belief that I am more than all this. I am a Survivor and I can with faith always find my balance and way back to my zen Amen