How could your own mother clipped your wings ....

malarai
Posted December 23, 2019

Actually this is a story not about me but one of my friends from university days. Back then I was doing masters and used to stay in girls hostel of Tribhuvan University in Kirtipur. There we met as she was also doing her masters. She was so vivacious, chirpy, talkative, smile always on her face, very active and so disciplined. She was very clean and tidy. She made her bed perfectly well. She prayed and remember god before taking meal. This was because all her life she stayed in hostel and followed the rules and regulation that she learned there. She earned her school education from St. Mary's Highschool, one of the prestigious school during that time. When we finished our masters, we got this opportunity to work together as field assistants in Jiri, one of the rural village in Dolakha District. Jiri was also known as Switzerland of Nepal because of its many similarities such as weather, geographical structure and scenic beauty. There we worked together for always 5 months. After that we return back to our own lives. Our meetings and communication became thinner and thinner and finally vanished from each other's life. 

Few years ago, one fine day we bumped into each other on my way home. I came to know she also moved in my residential area with her parents. We met almost after fifteen years  and cried with joy. But she seemed in a hurry leaving our interesting conversation in the middle and worried that her parents are alone in the house so she need to hurry up. We exchanged our phone numbers and I  also  invite her to visit my home. I was expecting her call but never got one. Then I called her two or three times. In the phone call she wishpered in her low voice and told me her mother was around and she did not like her talking to people. I could sensed that she was intimidated with her mother. Our phone calls did not continue afterthat. Though I felt something was  not right in her life. I did not intrude in her life.

Few months ago, she suddenly came into my mind. I was thinking abut her and the thinking was  so intense that I could not stop myself from  seeing her and despite her mother's strict rules I decided to see her. I was not sure wether her phone number was still the same or changed. I went near her house and called her and she answered my call. I told her that I want to see her for a minute and asked her to come out from the house. She agreed and she came out with her apron, which clearly showed that she was doing her household chores. When my eyes rest upon her, I could not believe my eyes seeing her lanky body, tiredness in her face, and frizzy hair. In our brief conversation she told me how her own mother ruined her career and future. Her mother manipulated her saying she must look after her as she is growing old day by day ( although she looked not that old). So she should not leave the house for once , captivated in the house and  enslave her in the modern day by making her do all the house work. She (mother) did not let her go out instead for grocery shopping near by the house. Whatever job offer came earlier, she was not allowed to do because she needed permission to do job from her mother, and   its her mother who decide which job she would do. She (mother) did not like her talking to her friends or any of her friends came to see her. Her mother is the one who  controls her mobility, decides for her what to do and what not, and she is living in constant fear of her mother as her father and brother both live in UK. She told me that she had lost all her confidence and could not dare to face people while talking, she was not allowed to go out or do job. She told me that she is suffering from inside and if she continue living like this she would end up herself as mental patient. She also told me that  she is making a plan to escape from this  house from the clutches of her mother. She want to live her life, she want to laugh again, she want to go out but still she is not sure what she will do when she abandone her home.  I convinced her I will help her to build net works, to attend meetings and conference, where many women like her share their stories and experience and empower themselves. 

With heavy heart and shocking jolt I returned home with so many questions on my mind. How could your own mother do this to your daughter? How could a Mother, an epitome of love, kindness, self-less, sacrifice for her children and family  could be this self-fish to her own daughter ruining her future, instead let her thrive how could she clipped her wings from flying? Again, my friend is also not a child she is an adult woman and how could she not fight back for her rights. Why she always live in constant fear of her mother's tyranny. I questioned repeatedly is this the outcome of traditional culture, where we are taught respect your parents but never question them. Do what your elders ask you to do even its not right but never question.Never raise your voice or speak. Just be mute and keep on doing what you are told. She is subjugated, suppressed and living in oppression because of her patriach mother. How could  a privileged, educated, modern woman of this modern era  let her dreams die and let her future crumbl down.  This is happening to an educated urban woman, who could not raise her voice, who could not defend herself. 

I have a challenge too, to help her bring back her confidence until she develops her own Agency to decide for her life. A dignified life where she can live as a human. For many this story might be ordinary but to me it really shook me and my brain and for many days I kept thinking of her. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Comments 15

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Anita Shrestha
Dec 23, 2019
Dec 23, 2019

Dear Mala jee
This is very heart touching story. Keep it continue

malarai
Dec 24, 2019
Dec 24, 2019

Thank you Anita ji,
Your constant push for me to write something really inspired me. Here I started. Thank you once again.

Zohra Elias
Dec 24, 2019
Dec 24, 2019

Hello Malarai,

What a sad story that your friend is dealing with!
But your friendship is so strong that you kept looking for her after that long time.

How your friend is doing now? Did she started a new agency ?

Please keep us updated about both of you.

Thank you dear

malarai
Dec 24, 2019
Dec 24, 2019

Hi Zohra,
Thank you so much that you took your time to read because its really long. I could not reach out to her lately as her phone number has been switched off and I will sooner or later try to reach her. Till date I am her only friend she could count on.
Thanks once again!

Zohra Elias
Dec 24, 2019
Dec 24, 2019

You are welcome dear!

Oh that’s great to hear, let’s know about what you decide to do than.

Best regards,

Tamarack Verrall
Dec 24, 2019
Dec 24, 2019

Dear Malari,
There is nothing ordinary about this story, it is a story that should never happen but unfortunately does. Women can be selfish and cruel, and often to another woman and sadly to a daughter. What good fortune that this friend has you. What luck that your intuition was so strong that she needed you, and you had the courage and caring to call. This is a big challenge that you are taking on, and I wish you all the luck and success you need. There is no fairness in being expected or forced to live a life of servitude. Best wishes for you both to stay safe as you find ways to bring your friend to this freedom to live her life and flourish.
In sisterhood,
Tam

malarai
Dec 25, 2019
Dec 25, 2019

Dear sister Tam,
Thank you for reading my story. First and foremost, I am very happy that I found this plateform where I could express and write my feeling. Sometime we hesitate to express the things because we think what other people might think of it or it is not that significant to others which infact might be a big issue for your self. Thank you once again.
In sisterhood,
Mala

Karen Quiñones-Axalan
Dec 24, 2019
Dec 24, 2019

Hello, Malarai,

I can actually relate to your friend’s story because I was raised with almost a similar mother. She controlled me most of my life even when I was already married and with a child.

It was only recently that I finally was able to break free from that control.

I hope your friend can claim her life back again. Thank you for sharing her story and for wanting to help her, too!

malarai
Dec 25, 2019
Dec 25, 2019

Dear Karen,
So sad to hear your past. I wish you a good and happy life ahead.
Mala

Karen Quiñones-Axalan
Dec 26, 2019
Dec 26, 2019

Hello, dear. Thank you for your empathy. Yes, all is well now. Have a great day.

Lisbeth
Dec 25, 2019
Dec 25, 2019

Hi Malarai,
What a story :-). Is this the mother who gave birth to her? Or otherwise. If I had read this somewhere I will have said it's a movie.

It's an unfortunate situation. Such kids may never be themselves years to come, I tell.

This and the rest always when I hear annoys me. Is the mother in it's rightful mental state? He might be suffering phycologically.

Great you wrote about it here. The issue exposed and hopefully you intervene with other sisters and we see if things will get better.

Feel free to inbox me with other issues you might want address.
Take care
Lizzy

malarai
Dec 25, 2019
Dec 25, 2019

Hello Liz
Thank you for liking this story. Yes! Her own biological mother.
Mala

Lisbeth
Dec 25, 2019
Dec 25, 2019

OMG :-(

Wphil
Dec 27, 2019
Dec 27, 2019

This is very unfortunate. But I think the mother may have a psychological problem and she is unconsciously dragging her daughter into it. For someone who is so educated to be caged, I think they both need urgent help to see a psychologist. The daughter should take hold of her life to brake the hold of her mother bearing in mind that her mother needs help. She can only do this after she must have helped herself.

malarai
Dec 29, 2019
Dec 29, 2019

Dear Wphil,
Thank you for your concern and suggestion. Yes, she is trying to get out of this mess but for her its not that easy. I hope she would get out of this some day.