Deciding to Love Me First

Why are you still single? I get this question a lot, my guy friends ask me not to mention I'm single when a guy asks me out simply because people are not gonna believe a pretty girl like me can be single, apparently it's a deal breaker-huh, makes no sense at all! But nope, I choose to tell it like it is, take it or leave it. If only pretty can help me get a decent man who isn't fascinated by my looks (looks fade remember?), pretty is just a bonus, what matters is character. The saying charm is deceptive, beauty is fleeting pretty much sums all that up. I am not gonna lie, I get lonely, I miss the texts, the late night calls but I am in no rush to get all those.

There was a point in my life I must admit, when I gave all of my attention to building a relationship, the heck? At 23 I wanted the guy I was dating to marry me, I thought he was \"the one.\" Silly me, the relationship ended badly, his mum told him I wasn't good enough. I persisted, I wanted to prove the mum wrong because I knew he loved me (who was I kidding), instead of him supporting me he got abusive (no, not physical abuse that one never happened), verbally that is, this form of abuse advances by creeps, one tinie tiny word at a time. I didn't give up on him, no, he was just crushing under the pressure his mum was putting him through (that sort of excuse comes along with the denial that things have changed ). I was hurting so bad, my pillows got companions in the form of salty waters every night, it was evident that the insults that were hurled at me were slowly eating away my peace. I lost weight, imagine how an already skinny girl looks when they had lost weight, just visualize that for a second. At this point the stress of having to let go someone I couldn't live without (or so I thought) was accompanied by job hunting, I had just graduated from the University and that didn't help. It was messy. After regaining my common sense I had to walk away from that relationship, it was the most difficult break-up ever. Friends had initially stepped in and insisted I break-up with this guy but nope, I wasn't taking any of that...

It took me 3 years to finally come to the realization that I didn't deserve what I went through, but I am grateful for the lessons. You can never make someone love you, loving someone is a choice and if someone chooses not to love you let it go-I learnt this the hard way. So, why am I still single? I am in no rush really, just taking time out to learn to love and forgive myself (the process comes in handy). I am single because I am waiting on God to give me someone who is worthy, a man of integrity. My prayer is that he be a man after God's own heart, a man whom God will prosper (Joseph was this kind of man plus he was handsome in both appearance and form giggles). I have had a skewed view of what I wanted, I painted the picture in my mind and when the reality zeroed to that the world crushed down on me and I'm never letting that happen again. The pain helped me become a better person, I made a choice to draw positivity from the experience, I made that decision because I know it's for my own good. I am still single because I want to know how it feels like to love me before I can love someone else, to love me first you know, love isn't just a good sounding word, it entails actions that are louder than the word itself... I may decide to take the solo-walks for as long as I live who knows? My looks have absolutely nothing to do with this choice, I just wish people could stop asking why a pretty girl like me is single because the last time I checked pretty didn't get me a degree, a job, pay my bills or get me a mother who thought I was good enough for her son, whatever that is, pretty is just never enough! Just saying. Just doing me I guess. Just decide to love YOU first!