What does an abuser look like? Can you always read violence on a face?

Marie Abanga
Posted January 16, 2019 from Cameroon

Ahead of the Women's March this 19th and 20th, I wish to add my voice in my own peculiar way by sharing from personal experience once more to urge for more inclusive and realistic discussions around violence especially against women and girls.

"How does an abuser look like? I was told the way he looked, if anything went on in our marriage it could only be me. He looked gentle, he even spoke gentle, I mean he walked gentle. But, that was who they saw and heard. I know who I saw before he left to face the world, I know who I saw when he came back home at night after what the world had seen was over. He beat me, not once but thrice. He abused me verbally, emotionally even sexually. Who says it can't happen because a man looks, and speaks and even walks gentle? I may be a survivor today, but I know I am a Voice of the Voiceless. The hope of the hopeless. We have to stop victimizing victims by putting the onus on them to justify the abuse they suffered. We have to stop making assumptions and preposterous declarations without knowing all the facts. I am far past all that now, but I want to #BetheHope" Marie Abanga founder Hope for the Abused and Battered

Comments 11

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Jill Langhus
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019

Hi Marie,

I hear you, and TOTALLY agree! My dad fits the same profile that you mention above; completely "blameless." The problem is then we have the rest of our lives to heal from the trauma that was inflicted on us and to learn to trust ourselves for "letting" it happen in the first place, despite our age or anything else. It's been hard learning to trust, love myself and my body after these occurrences.

Thanks for sharing your strong voice, and post, again, dear. I hope you are having a good day!

Marie Abanga
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019

Dear Jill,

When I went so low, I PRAYED for the grace to rise like a phoenix and say it all I could, that never again was I or anyone I know going to be kept silent and re-victimized. Sadly, my case and apparent resilience is an exception to the norm. Yes, our biological compositions and natural predispositions also play a big role in our recovery and even advocacy journeys. There is Hope and all I want to be is the Hope. Keep at it, you know baby steps are steps too.
Hugs all the way
Am still with that nosy nose but it gets better as I prepare to cross over to 40 hurray lol

Jill Langhus
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019

Yes, I think so, on your resilience. That makes sense.

You know I will, and thanks for the encouragement:-)

Hope you feel better soon:-)

Wusufor
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019

Actually if we all could read on faces who is an abuser, I bet you no body would ever be abuse. I mean come on people change. Some for good others for bad. Thanks for sharing !

Marie Abanga
Jan 17, 2019
Jan 17, 2019

You get it sis, always my pleasure sharing. Thanks for commenting

Wusufor
Mar 25, 2019
Mar 25, 2019

Thank for sharing, if only we could identity them nobody will be abuse. Will we?

Marie Abanga
Sep 24, 2019
Sep 24, 2019

Dear Lizzy,

You get it all - we just have to keep advocating and taking care of ourselves too

Anita Shrestha
Sep 16, 2019
Sep 16, 2019

Dear Marie
Yes it is like same in our country too. It is great sharing. Therefore, we must sometime make patience and some time need to fight against it.

Marie Abanga
Sep 24, 2019
Sep 24, 2019

Dear Anita,

Thanks for your comment. It really is a global issue

Nabila Abbas
Sep 20, 2019
Sep 20, 2019

Thanks for sharing this valuable piece of writings :)

Marie Abanga
Sep 24, 2019
Sep 24, 2019

Dear Nabila,
Thank you for your comment, my pleasure sharing always